Sunday, February 26

Holy crap!

I want to go to Denver! But, the midwest is where God
has me right now. I'm not really bitter or angry or even frustrated,
just saying. But I still think that I don't like the midwest as much
as I did before. We'll see what happens after I go back to Ohio for
awhile. I mean, right now I feel like that's not my home anymore.
That may change after being there again. It may not.

I am going to Ohio on Tuesday. My discipler/second mom, Judy, is
flying me to Florida for a week to hang out with her and God. Cause
I need some freaking down time! After Florida, I am flying back to
Columbus, with Judy, and staying for an inexact amount of time. I
may come back here to Indiana. I may stay in OH for awhile. (I need
to clear out my storage space and do my taxes.) I may move back to
Denver. I may do another school. I may get in a box and FedEx myself
to South Africa. I don't flippin' know what I am going to do.

Side Note: I did the whole crying about Safaland thing again. I was
at a Christian book store with my friendRuth today. Evidently, Israel and New Breed
put out a new album that was recorded live in Cape Town! I of course
had to listen to it. And I cried. In the middle of a store.
Surrounded by people. Then I played it for Ruth and started tearing
up again. I had to walk away. Is anyone else having this happen to
them about their outreach location?

Trying to keep track of my parentals is like, well, it's
like hell. My own personal Sucky McJank Hell. But believe it or not,
tired as I am, it's not really that bad. I mean, I'm in the center
of God's will. He's got my back. Regardless of what I am feeling
(like he's not even around.) Regardless of what I do (even though I
haven't been a perfect angel since I got here.) Regardless of what I
say (like I don't put my foot in my mouth on a normal day.) The
inanity (No, I didn't mean insanity. I meant inanity.) I feel from
day to day doesn't even matter right now. I know what God has
promised. And I haven't lost my cool. Even though I've had moments
of breaking down in tears, I haven't totally lost it.

I have been really emotionally needy lately, so I've been blogging a
lot. Maybe too much, but I don't care. I love it. I love getting out
onto "paper" what is going on in my head. It's sweet. Scary at
times, but vindicating at the same time.

It was good to hang out with a YWAMer. Good to hang out with someone
who knows exactly what I am going through right now. Ruth totally
understands what I am feeling right now. Pretty sweet.

Oh, yeah. How are my parents? Everyone wants to know. Well, they're
still crazy. Actually, I think my mom is crazy sometimes. My dad may actually
be somewhat normal. He hasn't had a drink or cigarette in like a month. And he is
healing from his surgery quite well. His surgeon is impressed. Thanks for all of
your prayers in that.

My mom's legs and hands are getting worse. She has so much trouble
walking. Some days she freaks out and cries and gets all crazy on
me. The next minute almost, she'll be normal. She freaked out in the
doctor's office the other day and I wanted to crawl into a hole and
die. She was freaking out at the nurse, saying that she wanted to be
admitted to the hospital because she doesn't have anyone to take
care of her. The nurse gave me this wierd look when I pushed mom out
of the office in her wheelchair. She's so flipping embarassing
sometimes. I felt like a total bad person, like I'm not doing enough
for her. But I'm doing what I can, and those feelings of guilt piss
me off! Stupid devil needs to get some new material.

Mom is really upset that I am going to FL, but I have prayed about
it and feel nothing but peace about going. If my ride to C-bus falls
through, then I know that God doesn't want me to go. Simple enough.
Mom also plays up her sickness because she wants me to move back
here and take care of her. Things aren't that dire, but they are.
Manipulation bugs me too. I hate it when she does that; it really

Speaking of Satan's ploy, I have had really crazy thoughts lately.
I've been battling fear a lot. Tonight, driving over the bridge to
Kentucky, I had this overwhelming fear that the bridge was going to
crack open and my car would sink into the river. The other day I was
going into my parents' apartment and I had this fear that they would
both be dead when I got in there. I also got upset the other day
because I had this feeling that my mom was going to commit suicide
while I am gone. I know it's the spirit of fear trying to get to me.
But I prayed the "God did not give us a spirit of fear" verse over

Just so you know, this is like real fear. Like I am shaking and I
feel nauseous fear. I start crying because I think my parents are
dead in the apartment fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. I hate fear, and I am
sick of it taking over my thoughts and my life. I am sick of unGodly
things taking over my life and thoughts. I've had enough.

I can't even allow myself to think for a second that I want to give
up this fight I'm in while on this journey toward the Lord. I can't
even entertain those thoughts. I am not putting down my sword. I'm
just getting started swinging, so duck if you don't want cut. That's
right, this white girl's getting ghetto.

Don't make me slap the black off your track suit.

1 comment:

Nathan said...

I tried to call you but your phone had been disconnected. Anyway, I know Sarah is planning on picking you up tomorrow. If that falls through, I can come (and the girls) to get you tomorrow morning. I get off at 7am. I don't have to be back until 5. So, give me a call if you need to. Guess what, I got to see a birth today in my clinical. It was SWEET!!!! I think I've found where I belong!