Friday, February 24

Gah! Bah! Fluh! Eck!

I just don't know what the point of all of this is. I feel so helpless when I am dealing with my parents. I don't know what to do to make them feel better. My mom is so hard to read. Sometimes I wonder what is really going through her head. She was in so much pain last night she said she only slept like an hour or two. She made an unnecessary doctor's appointment today. And as soon as we got out, she was fine. She wanted to go out to lunch, but then I told her that didn't make sense. If she's that bad, she needs to go home and rest. We compromised at getting take-out.

Besides that, I have a sore throat, I'm achey and I have a runny nose. I stayed away yesterday because I don't want to get mom and dad sick. That's the last thing they need. But today, I had to get out of bed and go over there. I had no choice.

Mom made a doctor's appointment with some vascular doctor for today. The guy can't really help her with her muscle or circulation problem. I tried to get her to go to a doctor that would be able to do more, but I can't control her. Her thought process kills me. The doc basically referred her to a circulatory doctor. He did order a blood test for her, but I don't think it will do much. They just took blood from her last week and tested it.

It was really wierd at the end. She asked the nurse if they would admit her to the hospital because she can't take care of herself. What?! I was so annoyed and frustrated. I have been for a few days anyway, but this just did not help. I didn't say anything though, because I can't control her. I don't know what to do. I can only do so much. I don't know how to handle things like this. I want my mom to be better, but then when she pulls these drama queen stunts, I just want to scream. I don't know what doctors to call or anything about what to do. I feel so stupid.

But I know that no matter how I feel, it's how my mom is feeling that is most important. I mean, I can't imagine how she feels right now, not being able to even change her clothes or anything. She has to have help for everything that entails a normal household day. And my dad is doing a lot when I'm not there. But he just had a laryngectomy. I am in the land of crazy!

I have begun to feel so far from God. I don't feel like praying, but I make myself. I haven't really had a quiet time in the past few days. I've just been escaping: tv, food, pretending nothing is wrong. I know. It's not good at all. I need out of here. I feel like I am drowning.

I don't even have a job. By all worldly accounts, I am officially a loser. Thank God I'm not living by worldly accounts. I have no idea where I am going to live or what I am going to do next. I just don't know. I think that is getting to me too. I mean, my parents have problems that I am trying to help with. However, I still have to deal with my own life on top of trying to keep track of theirs. Ugh.

Bleh. Bleh. Bleh.

I wonder what's on tv?

Do I still have ice cream left in the freezer?

Can Wednesday get here any sooner? I am ready to hang out with Judy.

Gah, I sound like Scarlet O'Hara. Drama Queen. Well, at least I know where I get it from.

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