My other prayer

God, I really need you right now. I need your peace to engulf my life, because I know that you will provide all the money and resources I need to get my checking account in order and be able to go to YWAM. God, I am in the negative $300 on my checking account, and there is nothing I can do other than pray and ask you to help me. I know you can. I am sure that you can provide every cent that I need. Thank you for the money you have already provided to help alleviate the anxiety. I appreciate it. I know you are going to help all of this work out. I need money for my passport, my tuition and my other needs. You called me to go to YWAM, so I trust you'll provide for me.

Sanity is overrated

The thing that made me forget my $$ blues is the fact that my application was received today by YWAM Seattle.

For those of you wondering, here is the program I'll be going through starting in late September.

I am really excited to see how this works out. It will be amazing, I am sure.

I'm going to scream!!

Dude, if I overdraw my checking account one more time, I think I just may cuss!!

Praise God, the check cleared before I was charged any more. At least I have $7.19 to my name.

Maybe

...if it keeps raining everyone will think those are raindrops running down my face.

My prayer

Look, God, I'm not going to cut corners with you okay? I'm just going to be for real. I don't know what my problem is lately. I feel so sad all the time. I don't want to hang out with people, and when I do, I'm so manic and overly thespian that I sicken myself. I play the funny girl role to the extreme. Why can't I be real right now? What am I so afraid of? And I really don't understand why I keep going through these mountains and valleys, never feeling fulfilled like you promised. Or is it that I'm not feeling fulfilled because I'm not trusting that I am fulfilled? Did you ever promise that I would feel fulfilled? Ugh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like crap. I keep letting people down, and that sucks because they are people that are really important to me. I just don't know where the love went! It's so hard for me to love people right now. I keep teasing everyone and taking it too far because I am hurting and I want them to hurt too. I don't think anyone really understands what I am going through on the inside. I feel like I don't matter. I catch myself thinking that I just want to go to heaven already because I can't take it anymore here. I mean, if I dropped off the face of the earth, would anyone really care? I really need you to work in spite of the lies running through my head right now. Please help me to do what I need to, so I can get my stuff together for YWAM. I am doing this for you, because you called me. So I really want you to be in the middle of it. I mean, if it doesn't work out then that's cool. You know? I just don't want to do this in my own strength if I am going to do it. I really don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering, "What if I would have gone through the YWAM program?" You know? When I focus on what is going on with missions stuff I feel so much better. I don't feel that sadness, but I get excited! When I think about singing to you, I get excited! My focus is so janked! I know it. I just feel so much hurt right now and I don't know how to deal with it. When I get hurt, I just shut down and get depressed. I wonder if that is what is going on with me now. Whatever, I'm just a mess, God. I can't even really articulate why I'm all bummed. I just feel sad. Would you help me? Just help me not to be all sad like this for the rest of the summer, all right? I could use your help, but I am not going to demand it. I'm just going to ask. Will you help me? I don't know what else to do. I need you. And I do love you. I just suck at showing it right now, and I'm sorry for that. Truly.

That's it. I guess...

I can't think of a title

I seriously want to dye my hair. I bought the stuff, but no one will help me do it. It's the suck.

I don't have the money to pierce my nose right now cause I still need to get my passport.

I sent off my application yesterday despite being out of checks. Luckily Jeanna wrote a check and I just gave her the $40.

Hopefully tonight I can work on my brochure that I will eventually hand out to people at my church and such. I am really excited to see what the response will be from those around me. It is going to be amazing!

I still feel pretty sad and heavy - hearted, but I am hanging on to the fact that God loves me and hasn't forgotten me.

Organization is not my strong suit

So, now I am starting to get all my stuff together for YWAM.

I sent off my application and now I am going to wait for their response to everything. Of course, I am crazy nervous. I wonder what will happen.

I need to get my passport.

I need to get my storage space cleaned out and taken care of. I don't know if I am going to keep it or sell everything I can to help raise money for my DTS. I found out that my church won't be supporting me financially, which sucks, but I know that God will work in spite of that fact if this is his will. God will work in spite of a lot of facts in my life.

Like right now, all I want to do is go to bed. I want to go and cry. I've wanted to break down into tears all day, but I have held it in. I cried myself to sleep last night. I am so emotionally overwhelmed by my life that I just don't know what to do with myself!

I really think I may have a chemical problem in my body or something. I just can't seem to get it together emotionally. And this is a pattern that I need to work through, but I have been putting it off for years. I have been thinking that it will go away, but I really am tired of having these breakdowns. And I'm tired of hiding the fact that they exist. I mean, I spend a lot of time crying. And I am beginning to realize that it's not healthy to do so. I have huge problems with the way I get down on myself and down on my life. I am a depressive personality.

I need to pray as to how I can work on this side of me.

What the jank?

I really have no idea, but I can tell you that I miss Becca so much I cried yesterday.

I feel all spiritually janked lately. I feel out of it or something. Like disgruntled with the church as a whole. Tired of people's faults. Stuff I have to get over if I am ever going to do anything ministry wise.

I feel really hurt by the whole boyfriend fiasco. I feel lied to. Betrayed. Like I never want to ever let anyone in again. But I know that's crap. I took a chance. Thank God I found out that things weren't going to work out when I did. Even though I am thankful, it still hurts. It hurts a lot. I am tired of everything being so hard. My life is so hard sometimes. Is there anything I can do to make it not be so much drama?

I just want it all to go away. I am tired of having to beg God for the same strength all the time. It's the suck. There's just so much going on. I feel like I am going to drown in it all.

I guess I am a little mad at you, God. I mean why can't things just be okay for me? I want to be able to provide for myself more than I do. I am so sick of being hurt and lied to. Please don't let me marry anyone that is going to hurt me all the time. I'd just rather be single than let that happen.

I hope that God really teaches me how to grow when I go to YWAM. Because I just can't take this crap anymore! I have completely lost control of things, and I am having trouble trusting God in it all. I just want to cry.
What is going on?!

Back from camp

It rocked my face off! I had a blast and I am really super tired, so that's about all I'll post for now.

I gotta catch some ZZZZZZZzzzzzz's!!!

3-2-1 Blast off!

So, I have a ton of stuff to do this afternoon before my doctor's appointment. Then, I'm off to pre-teen camp! It's going to be a crazy week, but I am excited about it!

See ya'll when I return.