Aww...

How cute is my Ky? Like seriously. Sick! Sick! Sick!

I miss...

My girl, Beckers! She rocks! Doing her thing out in Denver now. *sigh* But, I know she is where God wants her to be.

I love this picture. Too bad you can't see the black in her hair as much as you should! It looks pretty cool.

Shout out to Bec!

Up late and home alone

I miss my girl Gina! How funny that the first time I ever had real crab legs was on the Ohio River?!

The time is two-thirty in the morning and I am eating ice cream

Yeah, don't preach at me about health right now. I'm not in the mood. I am rather fiery, actually. It's a great time to be that too. Since it's the perfect time of day to be full of energy.

Who freaking calls somebody at one-thirty in the morning? Seriously. Especially when that person readily admits in the voicemail "...we don't really have a lot to say to each other right now."

I was all comfy after the thunderstorm. Reading and half asleep. Not really in the mood to answer the phone when it rang, but not really asleep either. Now? Oh I'm wiiiiiiiiiiiiiide awake. About fifteen or so minutes after my voicemail indicator went off, I called the person back and he conveniently did not answer his phone. How convenient! Haha! Because I have things to talk about now.

It's two-thirty, and I'm suddenly in the mood to gab. So, instead of calling my loved ones and waking them at two-thirty in the morning, I turn to my good old buddy, Mr. Breyer to console me. Some people have bourbon; I have Breyer's. Which is probably not something I need to admit on my blog.

You know, out of sight out of mind can be a dangerous philosophy. About people. Not ice cream.

Oh what the heck? Why change the subject now? I'll say it. I have a food problem. I am addicted to food. I use it to console myself. I actually feel better saying that because I don't think I've ever admitted that before. Like to people.

Not that you couldn't tell. I'm not exactly skinny. But I don't eat like this all the time either. Which is also hard to deal with, because people may think I eat like a heifer all the time. No. Just when I'm sad or not talking to God. Well, this time it's the former. I really don't feel like I've ever prayed as much in my life as I have the past week or so. I mean, like constantly. And the funnier thing is, if you think I am big now, I have actually lost weight. Seven years ago I weighed 295.

Yeah you saw right.

Not exactly ladylike and graceful is it? 295! What was I thinking? Actually, I think after that I started smoking and lost a bunch of weight. But when God healed me of that smoking addiction three years ago, I gained like 45 pounds after that. And I have lost again. And I have gained again. Pretty much remaining at the weight I am now. Which makes me want to, well, punch something.

Because I feel fat.

I say things like that as I eat my Breyer's. Ugh.

I am a sitcom waiting to happen. Or a cheesy teen drama. Or a stand-up comedy routine.

I need to let my brain shut off!

God teaches if we are willing to listen

Yep. And that's what he has done for me. Here I am in the middle of a situation that is potentially damaging, just waiting for God to tell me what to do. I have been seeking him. I have been crying out for guidance. And God spoke. Clearly. He has taught me a lot about myself in the past few months, as well as a lot about him. It's been really cool. In spite of the pain that has gripped my heart in the past week or so, I have had joy because the Lord has been showing me that what the enemy intended for evil, God used for good. I have become closer to God than I ever have been before and I am so excited about that.

Praise the Lord because he speaks to his children! Praise the Lord because he keeps us from harm! Praise the Lord because he allows us to experience pain in order to teach us to rely on him! Even though at times my heart is sad, I will praise the Lord!

So, I have realized that I have totally been slacking this entire summer about my application process, my passport, raising support money. All of that stuff. I am here to say that is changing as we speak! I need to do what God has called me to do. I need to go to YWAM and seek him even more! I know that this will be an excellent season of my life, as God will reveal himself more and more to me as I carry out my call to missions. I'm pretty dog - gone excited too!

Anyway, I'm getting ready to head off to my small group. I am really excited to tell about the wonderful things God has done for me in the past few months and to have them pray for me as I head into fulfilling the call on my life. It is going to be so awesome to share this with them! I really hope that they can grow in faith as well from hearing my testimony. I gotta make sure God guides me to share, but I already believe that he is going to because of the excitement I feel.

I could really give a crap if I tried

But I don't feel like tryin'! So there!

I'm sick of crying, instead of shedding tears, I resorted to having a pretty darn good day. I am waiting on the Lord. Still not happy about the sitch I've gotten myself into. I don't have a choice though, so I am just going to accept my circumstances and suck it up.

Marion Christian Center is having a healing service on Sunday night if anyone wants healing prayer for his ailments. I am totally going. If for no other reason than to see God move. That would be amazing!!

I talked to a friend of mine tonight that I have not chatted with in so long. I missed it. The guy makes me laugh and really cheers me up when things get rough. He's a true friend. It was good to not talk about my situation for an hour, but just laugh and talk about funny stuff that has been going on in both our lives.

My prayers are mournful today

I am totally crying out to God with every breath today. I need him to help me. I want him to speak to me clearly, and I am so serious about my commitment. I am doing anything I can to prove my obedience and allegiance.

I'm still prone to fits of crying, so look out everyone!

Ode to Gina

Heh heh. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen! Only those of you who know Gina will find this funny. I may just get an email from W himself saying that this is not funny. But, seriously, it is. It just is. Cause Gina used to be different. No matter how much I explain it, it won't make sense, but whatev. It's funny.

Prone to fits of crying

That's me. Prone to fits of crying. Nice to meet you.

I'd swear my doctor is going to think I'm nuts. (Luckily she's a friend of mine, so she's seen me at good points also.) Everytime I go into her office, I seem to be dealing with something emotionally overwhelming. The woman simply asks me how everything is going and I start to cry. I just can't lie to her. I just can't! I can't fake it in front of her either.

And today, that's how it went. "How are you doing, Megan?" she said. I sighed, "I'm doing...(Insert random crying noise here) crappy right now..." And that's how it was. I totally am not together. And I'm not pretending to be. Although, I did have a good day working at the church with Izzy. He was pretty much the only one I really interacted with today. I just had a great morning and afternoon, and I didn't cry once!

Izzy has become a great friend to me over the years. I seriously love that kid to death. We have gone fist to cuffs a couple of times, but that's nothing compared to the bond we've shared in the Lord. Izzy is always there when I need an ear. And I needed an ear today.

I talked to my mom and she is really down. I swear half of her physical problems are so untreatable because of her attitude. But then again, I'm not a doctor.

Word of the day:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Rollercoaster... Of love! Say what?

Long story short, Ben and I are going through some stuff. Not sure what's going to happen. We have some issues to work out before our relationship can advance further. I love him though. But I love God more, and will obey whatever he asks of me. I hate feeling like this. I'm not a fan of grey areas, but I have to stand firm. I will not let anyone get in the way of my relationship with Christ. Ever.

Had a great time at Marion Christian tonight. Sarah Moody and I went to the Sunday night service there. It was so awesome!! Sarah was really touched by the Lord tonight and I know she was forever changed. I have no doubts. I was so honored to be there to witness the holy spirit move in her life in such a real way.

God stinking rocks my face off!

I had to really choose to rejoice with Sarah tonight though, because my heart is still heavy. I had such an anxiety today. All day. Sitting next to Ben in church was hard. (He came to Highpoint this morning.) How do couples sit next to each other when they are not the happiest with each other? How does my pastor's wife sit next to her husband when she's mad at him? They're human! I know they have to fight sometimes. How do they do it? How can I? How can I do this knowing what I know? How can things just work like that? I don't understand love like I should. I do know that much. That spiritual gift is more a mystery to me than speaking in tongues.

Ben was not happy with me a few times today. I tried to help him understand where I am coming from, but I'm not sure I did the best job. I just pray that God gives him understanding and helps him to have peace about us. He nees to deal with the issue at hand and not stress about where our relationship is going.

God, I don't know where things stand right now, but I know that you are in control. You're my God. You have promised to be a safe refuge for me. Please keep your promise Lord! I need you more than ever before. I need to be closer to you than I ever have before. I will settle for nothing less than your face, Lord. I need you to help me. Please!! Don't forget about me. I know you have world hunger to solve and all, but just remember me too. Okay? My heart hurts, Dad. I need you to fix it.