Feeling all out of whack

That's what I am feeling right now. Out of whack. I need to seek some answers from the Lord and wait patiently upon them. The waiting patiently part sucks, because I hate not knowing where things stand. I dislike grey areas. Not fun. I just want to chill and get some rest time in.

I am feeling a little sad still, but going to Matt & Kiana's wedding was fun. I was so glad to be there and celebrate with them. I had a great time with Erica, dancing the afternoon away. I made up many dances to songs. It's just fun to get out and have a good time sometimes. I made the decision this morning that I was going to have a good time at the wedding. I wasn't going to let anything get in my way. I asked God to help me have a good time and really enjoy things. He answered my prayer, too, cause I did. I even had the honor of praying with Kiana right before she and Matt left for their first night together. It was so cool! Erica was there too and prayed as well. I love getting the chance to pray for people. You know, helping out or blessing someone else really helps me be blessed instead of feeling all janked.

I am going to make it through this time because the Lord is my deliverer! I know he hears my prayers. I know he knows the heaviness of my heart right now and he knows how much I am aching on the inside. He knows how much I need him and he will help me to know what I am supposed to do from here.

God, seal the aforementioned paragraph in Jesus' name! Let it come to pass. Guide in me in what I am supposed to do from here. Lord, tell me what I am supposed to do! Speak clearly, Lord. I need a word from you right now. I need to know where to go from here. Please Lord! Help me to know for sure. I'm desperate here. I beg you to hear my prayers!!

More Vegas pics!

Meg and Sean Connery. Oh yeah!
Meg and Gina with Ben Affleck

Meg kissing Brad Pitt!

Meg and Marilyn

Meg and W

Ugh...

Yeah. I'm emotionally drained. Really tired. Cranky. I need to let God resolve some issues. I cried from Evansville to Louisville. I miss Gina. I want my mom to be healthy. I am not sure what's going to happen in my future. I had some pretty intense convos with Ben on the way back. Emotionally drained. Want a hug. Miss hanging with my girls. I miss Becca. I feel lonely. And sad. Crying.

Turns out it was for real

My mom ended up having a heart attack, and Ben and I drove down to see her in hospital. I am really glad I did because it made her happy. So, she loves him, and seems to really "be good" for people that come to meet her. Haha!

Anyway, the heart attack was mild and she was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon. She is going to lunch today with us and a couple of my friends. I am really excited about Ben meeting and getting to wax philosophical with everyone.

I'll post more when we return to OH. Thanks for your prayers!

Please pray for my mom

My uncle just called me and said that she went into the hospital just a little while ago because she cannot breathe. The doctors cannot figure out why. They say it's psychosomatic. I know it's because she's afflicted.

And I know that I know how to pray for her, but I have no money to go home on. I can't even afford my insurance that is coming up in like two weeks. My car needs an oil change and I haven't the $$ for that either. Like no money at all. All my dough is going to bills. Ugh.

But I know that God will provide for me. That's his job. And he will take care of my mother. That's his job. If his will is for her to be healed, she will get it. If not through me, then through someone else.

But right now in spite of the truth in my heart, I have to cry. I am sad that my mom is living like this. God, please help her. Please help me to know what to do. We need your help, Lord.

Finally! Vegas pics!

Me and Sarah Michelle Gellar. AKA "Buffy"

It's not about the fireworks!

So, I was sitting at home thinking about today being the first Fourth of July that Ben and I have spent together and we're not going to see fireworks together. That's dumb. He's going to go see fireworks, why don't I go with him? Duh.

So, I went and hung out with him and the people he was with which was cool. Then I went over to his apartment until like one in the morning. We talked so much about some pretty deep stuff. I was totally shocked how much we talked about.

And to think that I almost missed it pains me greatly. I was kind of being a brat earlier, saying that I didn't want to go with him. It was funny in a way, because I didn't even consider his feelings about spending time with me. I mean, we did spend some serious time together this morning at Jason & Sarah's house. You know, playing Soul CaliburII. That's pretty stinkin' serious too. You know...

Back on a serious note, I am so glad that God has put us together because Ben really opens up to me about things. He's pretty open. He'll get more open as time goes on too. I know I have to earn his trust in a way, which is okay with me. I wouldn't really want to be with anyone that let me bully them into telling me stuff. I'd much rather let the person choose to open up. Things are much more beautiful that way.

Wow, I am really mixing being serious on here with random silly jokes and stuff in my head, so I know it's time to go now.

Later!

Who needs fireworks?

I received many offers tonight to go see fireworks with people and I have declined. I totally am chilling at home this evening.

I found a link to a - funny as all get out - video.

Gonna do some laundry, read a little and pray for awhile. It would be good to pray.

My heart is broken and I don't know why

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I awakened with a sadness looming over me and I don't have much explanation for it. So, I am going to attempt to put my thoughts together.

I know that the past couple of days a couple of people have brought to my attention the fact that they are concerned about me going to Seattle and leaving Ben. I have taken what they said to heart and prayed that God would reveal to us what we are supposed to do. It has been suggested that Ben and I go on a DTS together, but I know that he is not feeling lead to do that. I prayed and asked God to reveal to Ben what he is supposed to do. I feel kind of sad like I don't want to leave the relationships I have been exposed to here. I went from wanting to run last year, to loving the relationships this year while still being prepared to leave, to loving the relationships so much part of me doesn't want to leave.

My small group leader has been calling me the past few days, suggesting that maybe I should go pray for a man from our church that has cancer. God has revealed to me that he wants me to use the gift of healing. This issue has come up in my life quite often recently. Yesterday, I was at a store and this lady I was talking to there was from Texas and said she had to drive home, but she wasn't sure how she would do it because her back was really hurting. I left the store after our conversation wondering how I could help this lady. I ended up going back into the store and laying hands on the lady, praying for her back to be healed. I've never done that before in my life! So, I have used the ability to pray for healing, and I believe that God heals people today. I just didn't feel that I should go pray for this man to be healed from cancer. I felt that it was time for him to go home to be with Jesus. I really felt like he was going to die, but I finally decided yesterday that I would at least go visit him and then if his family asked for prayer for healing I would do that. I had decided I was going today after church and that I would ask my small group leader to go with me.

At church this morning, Pastor Kevin announced that the man died last night at 10:30.

Part of me feels sad, like I missed out on something big. Like I missed an opportunity to minister. But the truth is, if it was God's will for this man to be healed, wouldn't he have been healed through someone else? Even if not through me, wouldn't it have happened anyway? But in spite of that truth, I feel guilty. I feel like I failed. But the spirit didn't lead me to pray for him, I basically broke down and decided to go visit him out of respect for my leader. Hmmm. Maybe that's a whole different can of worms.

Also, I went up to the altar to pray for a friend of mine this morning. As I prayed for her, I felt like I should talk to her a little bit about stepping out into freedom. I know this girl, and she has a lot of issues with feeling bound and constricted by things in her life. I won't say more than that, as quite a few people from my church read this and may have seen me pray for her this morning. Anyway, in the middle of my speaking, a lady from chruch came up and whispered in her ear. Then the lady reached over to me and said, "Sorry to interrupt you, but I needed to ask her a question." I was thinking it was no big deal. Then the lady leaned over to the girl again and whispered something to her one more time. I just waited on the Lord for mention of what I was supposed to do next. Like, what was I supposed to pray or was I just supposed to sit quietly, just being supportive? What? Well, the Lord quickly guided, because the lady leaned over to me and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I know what ____ is dealing with right now. So, I need to talk with her." So, I said, "Oh, no big deal. That's God, man. It's God getting through, and that what needs to happen."

That was awesome. It was orderly. God seems to prefer that way of doing things. So I cried with my friend as she was prayed over by this other lady, I prayed quietly as my friend tightened her grip on my hand with each gut - wrenching sob that followed the prayers. God really got through to her in some ways.

The funny thing about that is that somewhere in between going up to pray for someone else and walking back to my seat, the praying became about me and my feelings. I started to doubt, like, if when I spoke to my friend, I was really hearing from God or not. Maybe what I said was used to pave her heart for when the other lady came up to pray/talk with her. I don't know. But again, I felt like I missed out on something or even like I had done something wrong. But all I did was listen to the spirit of God. You know?

Stinkin' demons! Get off my back in Jesus' name!

I'm thinking I may get some prayer from my JHouse friends tonight. I need God to minister to my heart and ease my mind about these things. I know these feelings of guilt aren't from God. That's not his bag.

So if you think about it, pray for me, all right?

This is harder than it looks...

The other night during kinship group, the female host (our group is hosted by a married couple) came over to me and asked if she could pray for me. She did, and then talked to me about this vision she had of me standing next to a deep lake. I was standing very stiff, with my arms down at both sides, afraid to go in. She said, "I know the lake represents a relationship, but I'm not sure if it's your relationship with God or Ben." I knew it was my relationship with Ben that I needed to talk about, so I opened up to her about it.

So, being in a relationship is harder than it looks. Seriously part of me has been freaking out in some ways because I have been a little apprehensive about someone getting to know me really well. You know, like really getting into my head and my heart. It's funny though, because I have opened up to some girls I know who are married and stuff and it's been really neat to find out that I am not the only one who feels this way about relationships. It's hard to let someone in! How do people who don't have God in their lives have a healthy relationship? I'm not trying to be mean when I say that. Like I sincerely wonder how they do it, because I have a relationship with Jesus and it's still freaking hard for me. It's hard to trust another person with all of those intimate secrets of your life. It's not totally easy, but like I said, it's been good to talk with others and see that I am not alone.

That night, Ben and I had the best conversation I think to date. It was amazing just being his friend. I know that he started paying on a ring and whatever, and I am really girly excited about that! However, I don't want to get so caught up in the future that I forget to just treasure the moments I have with him right now. I really enjoy hanging out with our friends and laughing and flirting and acting silly. I love it! I want to be friends and build on that for our future. It's so cool to be romanced!

On Wednesday, Ben met me at my house before the block party and gave me a Prayer Journal that he made for me. It is so beautiful! I absolutely love it. He took a notebook and painted it. Then, he basically scrapbooked the front of it, adding really cool stamp lettering and some cool textured paper. I know this boy well enough to know that when he makes things like that, he doesn't just throw it together. He takes his time, obsessing over color and layout. I know he spent probably close to an hour trying different pieces of paper until he was sure that it was something that would be pleasing to me. I don't think I've ever loved a gift more. And the most romantic part is that he gave me a gift that pointed me toward God. Man, that just blows me away! I got home that night and put that journal in my hands, sat on my bed and cried out of sheer joy. I praised God for Ben and who he is, as well as what he is becoming in my life. I am so excited about this relationship, even though I know it won't always be easy.

This adventure called life is going to be lots of awesome with Ben by my side! This I know for sure.