I am a recovering manipulator

Well, this is going to be hard to explain, but I'm going to try.

Some people are super important to me. They matter so much in my life. I miss them, and I want them around when they're not near. I have a real fear that I am not as important to them as they are to me. I mean a real issue here. It depresses me when I feel unimportant to them. I don't want to tell them because I fear they will distance themselves even more from me. In the end, I can do a good job of trying to manipulate what they think of me. I'll pick and choose what sides of my personality they see.

Some people are super important to me. They matter so much in my life. I miss them, and I want them around when they're not near. When these people don't go out of their way to make me feel important in their lives, it truly doesn't freak me out. ( I wonder why that is with some, but I haven't figured it out yet. Is it possible I have accepted the healing for how I deal with some people? I'll have to get back to you. ) I still can do a good job of attempting to forge the "personality of Megan" to these people.

I am super important to some people. They tell me this on a regular basis. I matter to them. They miss me when I am not around, and they make it clear that I am loved. As a subcategory, some of these people are obsessed with being important to me and that makes me a lot of nervous. I have a real fear that I will screw up and let these people down. I am afraid to be totally real with them. I try to be aloof with these people as much as possible to prevent from hurting them and to prevent my own stress. I don't want to deal with the drama of letting someone down. I hate the feeling. It's empty, cold and lonely.

A few people in my life have this way about them that, even though it's against my own fighting nature, makes me open up to them. I get real and deep. I'm open and honest. It's like I can't even try to front, because I know that they'll know I'm lying. I can't help but dump the hard stuff on them because I spend so much time keeping it from everyone else. These are the people I love the most for their generous spirits, giving of their time. If I catch myself manipulating them, I totally feel guilty. I feel the tug on my heart about it, and I know that I need to tell them the truth about what is going on.

That is the basis for some of my relationships. Not everything can be categorized, of course.

So, on to what I'm going through right now. I have been feeling a little bit of grieving lately. I have had some words with a couple of friends in the past few weeks. Not like arguments, necessarily, but those intense conversations where one can tell things are different everafter.

I have a friend who is like my sister. She went to missionary training school and I didn't see her for months. I love her to death, and it's killing me that I feel not as close to her since she's been back. It's been weird, and it kinda sucks. I just want to be as close to her as I was before.

I have another friend who asked my opinion on this guy she is seeing and then got annoyed with me when I told her I was concerned. She quickly changed her story on what had been going on with this guy, in turn emotionally separating herself from me.

I have a hard time dealing with people being upset with me. Plus, I am an emotional person and I tend to over - dramatize things.

Well, I am sick and hopefully that is the cause for how I am dealing at this juncture.