My heart is broken and I don't know why

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I awakened with a sadness looming over me and I don't have much explanation for it. So, I am going to attempt to put my thoughts together.

I know that the past couple of days a couple of people have brought to my attention the fact that they are concerned about me going to Seattle and leaving Ben. I have taken what they said to heart and prayed that God would reveal to us what we are supposed to do. It has been suggested that Ben and I go on a DTS together, but I know that he is not feeling lead to do that. I prayed and asked God to reveal to Ben what he is supposed to do. I feel kind of sad like I don't want to leave the relationships I have been exposed to here. I went from wanting to run last year, to loving the relationships this year while still being prepared to leave, to loving the relationships so much part of me doesn't want to leave.

My small group leader has been calling me the past few days, suggesting that maybe I should go pray for a man from our church that has cancer. God has revealed to me that he wants me to use the gift of healing. This issue has come up in my life quite often recently. Yesterday, I was at a store and this lady I was talking to there was from Texas and said she had to drive home, but she wasn't sure how she would do it because her back was really hurting. I left the store after our conversation wondering how I could help this lady. I ended up going back into the store and laying hands on the lady, praying for her back to be healed. I've never done that before in my life! So, I have used the ability to pray for healing, and I believe that God heals people today. I just didn't feel that I should go pray for this man to be healed from cancer. I felt that it was time for him to go home to be with Jesus. I really felt like he was going to die, but I finally decided yesterday that I would at least go visit him and then if his family asked for prayer for healing I would do that. I had decided I was going today after church and that I would ask my small group leader to go with me.

At church this morning, Pastor Kevin announced that the man died last night at 10:30.

Part of me feels sad, like I missed out on something big. Like I missed an opportunity to minister. But the truth is, if it was God's will for this man to be healed, wouldn't he have been healed through someone else? Even if not through me, wouldn't it have happened anyway? But in spite of that truth, I feel guilty. I feel like I failed. But the spirit didn't lead me to pray for him, I basically broke down and decided to go visit him out of respect for my leader. Hmmm. Maybe that's a whole different can of worms.

Also, I went up to the altar to pray for a friend of mine this morning. As I prayed for her, I felt like I should talk to her a little bit about stepping out into freedom. I know this girl, and she has a lot of issues with feeling bound and constricted by things in her life. I won't say more than that, as quite a few people from my church read this and may have seen me pray for her this morning. Anyway, in the middle of my speaking, a lady from chruch came up and whispered in her ear. Then the lady reached over to me and said, "Sorry to interrupt you, but I needed to ask her a question." I was thinking it was no big deal. Then the lady leaned over to the girl again and whispered something to her one more time. I just waited on the Lord for mention of what I was supposed to do next. Like, what was I supposed to pray or was I just supposed to sit quietly, just being supportive? What? Well, the Lord quickly guided, because the lady leaned over to me and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I know what ____ is dealing with right now. So, I need to talk with her." So, I said, "Oh, no big deal. That's God, man. It's God getting through, and that what needs to happen."

That was awesome. It was orderly. God seems to prefer that way of doing things. So I cried with my friend as she was prayed over by this other lady, I prayed quietly as my friend tightened her grip on my hand with each gut - wrenching sob that followed the prayers. God really got through to her in some ways.

The funny thing about that is that somewhere in between going up to pray for someone else and walking back to my seat, the praying became about me and my feelings. I started to doubt, like, if when I spoke to my friend, I was really hearing from God or not. Maybe what I said was used to pave her heart for when the other lady came up to pray/talk with her. I don't know. But again, I felt like I missed out on something or even like I had done something wrong. But all I did was listen to the spirit of God. You know?

Stinkin' demons! Get off my back in Jesus' name!

I'm thinking I may get some prayer from my JHouse friends tonight. I need God to minister to my heart and ease my mind about these things. I know these feelings of guilt aren't from God. That's not his bag.

So if you think about it, pray for me, all right?