Hey there five AM!

Hey, it's five am and I just got home from a night of partying.

That's right. I got out of the house.

I went to visit a friend who is on tour with a band. The tour came through Grove City and I drove down to hang out.

Frankly, I was a little depressed today. I'm having a hard time right now with my mom and all that stuff about going to Indiana. It's hard living the life I am right now.

Look, I don't really care what you think. You may think that what I've been doing is "easy" or "lacking responsibility" or "childish". Well, if you think that, you don't know me or God's character for that matter. And while we're on the subject, your attitude sucks.

There. I. Said. It.

Okay? I'm tired of these things looming over conversations I have. Lame. I'm over it.

I hung out with people tonight that I had met for the first time, and God totally used them to remind me that what I am doing is important. Every day, I make decisions to care or not to care. Yes, copious decisions are made by me every day. And God uses those silly little decisions to inspire people. To care for them. To provide for them. To love them.

Almost everyone I have talked to that I knew before I left for DTS has not really been that interested in what happened. Like, I can't even really get into stories about what I experienced, you know? It's like people are thinking, "Well, that's great for you. I'm hungry. I should go get some lunch."

I want to make more of an impact on my friends than that.

But I found tonight that strangers ask me more in depth questions about my experiences overseas and my DTS experience. I mean, I am over exaggerating a little. It's not like no one cares at all. I'm not saying that. It's just a different vibe.

And most of my friends that were close to me before I left just don't seem to care about what I went through.

IT'S SO FREAKING WIERD BEING BACK HERE!!

Ugh.

I feel like sometimes people think I am trying to shirk my "responsibilities" by living the life I am. I get that vibe from people sometimes.

And it is so unfortunate for them because truly, "responsibilities" can be an excuse.

I can't go on a mission trip, I have credit cards to pay off.

I can't do a DTS, I am married.

And my personal favorite...

I have a house, why would I do anything crazy like pack up and go run off?

Yes, I am a bit bittered. A little. What I did was follow God's calling. You can choose to do less, but you shouldn't.

It's really not that big of a deal people. You just kind of do it. Everything works out in the end. He's the freaking creator of the universe. He's not gonna leave you out to dry.

If those things are valid reasons, then hey, cool.

But if they are excuses, crutches, or the like, then take responsibility and say, "I'm not ready for that."

Much better said.

Whatever. I'm sleepy and rambling like a nut.

And a little bittered.

A bit.

This commercial is dedicated to my friend, Lindsey

So funny from back in the day!

Down the slope

Yeah, I don't know what the frick my problem is. I've been wierd lately. I realize it. I'm just not sure what I can do about it. I am waiting to get stuff taken care of with the car, so I can go to Indiana. I am meeting with my friend next Saturday. Which is cool in a way cause I will be here for my birthday. Which is deep down what I wanted. And God set it up for me. Which is cool. I am just really frustrated with things. I want to be in the race. I still feel like I am waiting at the starting line for the gun to go off. I'm depressed really. I mean, I just want more stability. I want a life with like a job and all that. I am going to probably have to get before I leave here cause things are crazy, man. I am down to like just what I need to get to Indiana. And I don't see things getting any better right now. It's really hard. I have to admit. But I am going to hang in there and dig down deep to find the hope that my God has given me through his promises to comfort me when things get hard and stand by my side. I would given up on my crappy life years ago were it not for God in my life. How did I get here when all I wanted was love? Well, I am through quoting song lyrics now. I have been in a rather peotic, overtly dramatic mood lately. I keep having to check myself. I am still struggling at times with feeling like a burden to everyone. Like I am a bother. I get so sick of talking about how nothing has changed. I don't know what I am doing. Things are off still. I'm waiting... All that. That's how it goes, man. I'm just having a hard time with doing that. You know? I feel... like I am in the mood to fake it. Fake what I feel. Pretend everything is okay. Therein lies the problem. I made a promise to myself that I would avoid that philosophy all together. I want to be real. I guess it's a big pride issue too. Because I am tired of being the person with the saddest story in the room. Ugh. I have had to face so much about my life lately. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I want a job because then I don't have to face me anymore. I can just ignore the things God is trying to have me work on in myself. Then I don't have to depend on him as much.

Oh, that line of thinking can't be good.

Yep. It's time to be over me.

I'M OVER ME!!!!!

It's that time again

You know, it's been a few weeks since my last nervousness hit me. And it's hitting me. Again. Things are coming down to the wire. I need to get to Indiana and I am running out of money again. I hate money. I will be so glad to have a steady job. Man, what a blessing!

I have a little over just enough to get me to Indiana. Hey Megan! You wanna put all your eggs in one basket? Yes. Yes I do. (Nervous laugh.)

So, I figure it's time to put my myspace on here. I always hate linking things like that, I like to play things more aloof online really. But this time, I'm over it.

Meg's Myspace <------- Check it out. Comment. Leave some love. Whatev.

I am chillin', tryin' to get some stuff done so's I can leave.

Please keep me in your prayers, you guys.

God, you know what I need. I trust you. Just keep speaking to me and guiding me. I know I'll be fine. Thanks for everything you do to keep me protected and provided for. I love you.

I am feeling restless again...

I totally have to do something different with my hair! My first paycheck is totally going to hair. Seriously. I am so serious. Hair.

Muhahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Stupid dang past

I found another remnant of an ex-boyfriend. I am really beginning to believe there may be something wrong with me. I mean, what the heck was I thinking?? I found pics of me kissing said ex. It's just too funny. I was so wierd. Why did I think those thigns were okay? It makes me want to stay single forever because I have no skills when it comes to dating. Seriously. That thing with Ben last year? I mean, yeah, God used it but... Well... I just know it wasn't God's best for me. I think he used because he loves me even though I wasn't making the best choices for myself.

I have found so many things that are from my "former life" that really make me feel badly. I was just so ridiculous. Part of me still is.

I always like guys that are so unattainable emotionally or like, well, gay.... Or I end up liking some guy that just wants to have sex with me, and that pisses me off. I am not a locked treasure to be discovered!

Anyway, I know that I am noticing things about myself for a reason. Like I know God is trying to show me something right now, but... I'm just not sure what the point is. What he's trying to say to me.

You know? I mean, I don't feel guilty for these things. I know I have been redeemed and all of that. I've grace for my past.

I just wish I didn't have it. Cause that was an insipid little girl that made those rookie mistakes.

But at the same time, I wonder if some guy comes along, talking the right lines... faking his relationship with Christ like Ben did...

Will I fall for it again? I mean, I can seem all strong and together now, but if he comes along will I need a boyfriend more than I think I do?

Is there something wrong with me?

Do I have a glitch in my programming somewhere?

There has to be something wrong with me...

Right?

Cause I don't know.

No. No clue when. I still haven't worked out all of the details. And if I end up getting a job in OH it will be even longer before I get to Indiana. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. It's coming down to the wire, but that's my school.

I live life on the edge baby.

I survived...

the yard sale. That almost killed me. I literally almost died last week from exhaustion. I am so over packing and unpacking and organizing and moving! Gah! Over it! Unfortuanately, I did not sell everything and I have to devise a plan as to where it is going to go and all that. Jason and Sarah said I could put some stuff at their house, but I am kind of feeling bad about having to do that. Thay offered though.

The cool thing about this yard sale is that I got to pray for a couple of people and I gave some money away to people that God told me to. I also had one of the girls come back and ask for more help. That was cool. Sarah and I took her out and filled up her trunk with groceries. Woot.

It's been a pretty sweet reminder of what my true calling is. This other stuff is all temporary. I am so over life without purpose. I'm glad God has given me one. That is really cool.

I want a job, man. I need some cash flow coming in for real. I don't want to go to Indiana right now, but deep down, I know it's time.

I think I am just tired right now. It's been a long week and weekend.

Practice makes perfect!

Today I helped some friends of mine out by staying at their house last night and taking their kids to school this morning. I loved doing it! It was fun! The 10 year old girl looked at me as we were leaving the house and said, "Megan, you're a mom!" I loved that!

Some people act like when I baby-sit or nanny for them that it is an inconvenience for me. Not usually. And not really. I love kids! I am sure I'll be a great mom some day, and being able to spend time with my friends' children is great practice. I really enjoy being able to hone my child care skills and talk to kids, influencing their lives. It is a great opportunity and honor as well to serve people by helping them raise their children. What a great thing to do!

And sometimes, when I do it, I think about being a mom someday. I think about being able to adopt a child that needs a good home as well as having my own children. I think about what it would be like to be married, and I wonder when it will happen. Although, sometimes when I see how my married friends act, it makes me a little scared to get married. Worrysome, even.

Men and women are so different. I don't understand how guys come to some of the logic they do honestly, but that could be the particular guy. Not the sex as a whole. I mean, some people just don't have a flow of logic that works. Women don't sometimes. I should know. I am one of them. It's funny how much I wonder what it would be like to be inside someone else's head as an observer and see the world as they see it. I would sit in their brain in a chair watching their life on a movie screen, while being able to hear the overdub of their "inside voice" so I would know what is driving them to make the decisions they--

I have been reading too much science fiction.

Speaking of reading, I am reading more Donald Miller. Searching For God Knows What is a really great book so far. I love Miller's writing style! And I love that he is so personable in his books. It's like I'm sitting down to coffee with him while he explains his worldview to me. I dig that.

It makes me want to write my book. I think that is part of what this summer is about. Getting some more research down for my book. Working on getting some ideas typed out. Maybe I'll be able to afford a laptop sooner or later. That would be a great help in this venture! God has really put this idea for a book on my heart, and every time I think about it, I get excited! I would love to encourage my generation... Well, I really don't want to make the idea public as of yet, but I am talking about having the idea of a book with people. That's been cool. Some have looked at me with shock and wonder in their eyes. Some have been encouraging. Some quickly changed the subject. I mean, who knew, right? Me. Wanting to write a book. Interesting.

Anyway, I hope that things keep pressing on for me going back home. I really have to keep a tight watch on my finances these days. No more eating out, that's for sure!

God, do your thing. Please help this yard sale to work out. And please help me to be able to get my storage space cleaned out more. Thanks for looking out for me, dude. It's been a great ride!

It's all a blur...

My life is ridiculous these days. This freaking garage sale is hanging over my head, and my stuff in storage is hanging over my head. There's just not enough hours in each day. I wish someone would just walk up to me and say, "Hey, I'll buy all of your stuff from you!" Then I would take their money, give them the key to my storage space and skip town. Yeah, I would just skip town. I love the adventure of skipping town. I am so over my life, it's not even funny. I swear if one more person looks at me and says, "I wish I could do what you did, but I have a house/marraige/bills/kid to take care of," I may just scream. As if I have no responsibilities in the world. As if I am irresponsible and immature. Believe me, it's not as easy as it looks. My life. People need to stop telling me what they think my life is like. It makes me feel stupid. Don't presume, please. I'm living it. I know what it's like. My life is a lot easier in the short run when I don't have to depend on God for everything. When I don't have to depend on God for money or shelter or transportation... Faith. What a crazy concept. In the long run, I know that these things will be taken care of. I will be safe. I will be protected. God will provide for me. I just really don't like having momentary freak outs. When I have to face the reality of my situation, I get scared. I'm scared. I'm wondering what is wrong with me. Why can't I just keep it together? Why do I feel so alone? I have to tackle this monumentous task of emptying my storage space by myself, and it's overwhelming. I hate moving. Hate it. I don't use that word very often, but there it is. I hate it. And that's why I want to get rid of everything. Not as much because I am attempting a life of Godly simplicity like I have led everyone to believe. There. I said it. It's more because I don't know where I am going to be living from month to month and I am tired of lugging it around. It would be easier if I could just tote it all to Evansville and rid myself of it there. But I would just put things off again and end up in the same position. Stuck. Trying to tackle it all and more wanting to run away. Don't tell me what my life is like. More because I don't want to think about it. When I think about it, I just get sad and overwhelmed. It's really my own fault. I spent a lot of time procrastinating and selling stuff on ebay. It didn't pay off as much as I needed it to. I guess I am frustrated cause things aren't going my way right now. Ugh. I am going to be happier in a sense when I get back to Evansville because I will have a job and be living a more structured life than I am right now. I need structure. Something I figured out when I was in DTS. I would thrive in the structured environment in which I lived. It was awesome. I got out and accomplished more. I get out now. I lack in the accomplishing department these days. Not having a job is getting on my nerves. At least when I didn't have a job in Denver it was for an actively greater purpose. Purpose. It's what we're all living for. I just haven't found mine completely yet here. In this "real world," I feel a bit lacking. Devoid. I need more stability right now that I am not getting in the way things are going here. I'm ready to leave in the practical sense. In the sense of leaving people I hold dear, I'm not ready to talk about that. Ugh. I hate PMS.