Je t'adore.

I have found out so many things about dating and pre-wedding relationships. Probably more than I ever wanted to know. But at the same time things I guess I'll need to know someday.

I am really doubting the fact that anyone can be completely pure before getting married. I mean, seriously, I imagine that when you are really in love with someone like that it's quite hard to ignore your passion for each other. And I'm sure that attraction and connection is really intense, especially after being engaged. I'm just saying... Seriously, the people that I thought were the strongest spiritual men and women have told me that before their wedding they were not "snow white" when they got married.

Which is funny to me.

Maybe the standard that I thought God had placed for me to follow is just something that I heard a pastor say that sounded good. Cause from what I have heard some of my friends say, things get pretty intense. Even my second mom was telling me that loving someone is really intense when dating and especially after being engaged.

And after hearing some stories, I know for sure that I have no idea what being in love is like. No idea at all.

I know what it's like to really care for someone and even though everything logical in you says, "What are you doing? Now's not the time. You're not ready to date or be involved with anyone!" you still are interested and think that person is worth the risk and want to chance spending more time together. I know what that is like. But that doesn't compare.

And part of me feels kinda weird like I should know what being in love is like. I feel kind of lame that I don't know love in that way. I mean, I'll be 28 in May. I'm a grown woman. But I also haven't been married before. The only dating I've done post giving my life back to Christ has been Ben. Who told me he struggled with homosexuality on a regular basis.

I think I am still seeing the repercussions of that relationship in how I deal with men now.

In a way, I am kind of glad that I haven't known being in love before. Because the man I choose to love will be the first man I've ever loved. I can fall for him completely and without abandon.

And that will be complicated and simple and beautiful and a lot of work all at the same time.