Je ne sais pas ce qui est erroné avec moi en retard.

I really don't. I mean, I have been sick this past week, but something else is wrong. I mean, I keep laughing with my friends and all. When I hang out with them, things seem to go smoothly. I just feel off. I don't know what the deal is, really. I don't feel God anymore. Haven't for awhile, despite the fact that he has been doing some great things in my life.

Ever since I broke up with Ben I've been off. Everyone keeps asking me what the deal is.

"What's wrong Megan?"
"You doing okay?"
"You don't seem like yourself..."

Yeah. I don't seem like myself. I more or less had an engagement go badly. Not just a relationship, Ben said he already put a downpayment on a ring. We were planning on getting married next year, and I was talking to a friend the other day and realized that I haven't forgiven him.

For what, you ask? Well, he turned out not to be what he said he was. In the beginning, he painted this picture of himself. That picture is not who he really is. Which tells me a couple of things: one, he wanted to be who he told me he was. So, it's not like he deliberately lied. (Even though I feel a little betrayed.) Two, he has no idea who he really is himself. So, I wonder if he gave me the categorical answers a "Christian Boyfriend" should give.

Fine. I'm a big girl, I can take it.

I just feel kind of yucky about the whole thing. I'm not used to having an "ex" anything. It's new territory for me. I asked the old seasoned vet, you know who you are, how I should deal with moving on. She said, "Meg, you need to go back to the plan you had before you met Ben, and you need to categorize what you can take as a lesson from this relationship and move on with your life."

How does one go about moving on with life? I mean, it's such standard advice for everything: when one gets fired, when a marriage ends, when someone dies. We all tell that person to move on with life.

I guess the better question is: How do I move on with life? I mean, life has been moving, but I just don't think I have been moving on with it.

I am kind of in a dead stop emotionally and spiritually. That is no one's fault. It just kind of happened. I have been so numb lately. I haven't felt good about myself or how I look in weeks. Well, I did feel good when I worked for the school. It's just that... I feel off.

Yeah, I am officially manic I think. I am not even sure if this makes any sense. Just something I have been knocking around in my head.

I need to forgive him.

And I need to forgive myself for not getting out of the relationship sooner. I mean, he just wasn't right for me. I don't know what I was thinking. I am so freaking glad I got out when I did. Our marriage would have been a total disaster!

I am also tired of church and getting screwed over by churches. But that's a whole other story. I have no idea what to do about that one. I am so sick of people not being what they say they are. I know we can't just wear signs that objectively state our issues and attitudes. It's just that, well, I am totally tired of the bullcrap. I am tired of life some days. But I keep pressing on, because I know I have a purpose out there somewhere to fulfill.

I am sick of me getting sick of things. It's such a drag!

Phillippians 3:12-21 "I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be. No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.
I hope all of you who are mature Christians will agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. But we must be sure to obey the truth we have learned already.
Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example. For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. Their future is eternal destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and all they think about is this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take these weak mortal bodies of ours and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same mighty power that he will use to conquer everything, everywhere."