Seriously. I have to get rough with the crap that plagues me and keeps me up at night. Maybe God just wants me to work at the coffee house right now and that is okay with me. It took another job rejection for me to own up to that fact. Cause all the doors I attempt to walk through keep shutting in my face and I really think there is purpose in it. I don't think it is happening for no reason. I am not sure what that reason is yet, but I am trying to find out.
I have to lay off putting pressure on myself to fit into this invisible mold that I have made up for me to fit into. Cause I do not have to conform to what others do. I just have to be the best me. And there are certain things that I have not been called to. And I'm not saying I won't be called to them, I am just saying that I am not right now.
And I'm okay. I'm not in a hole. I am not drowning. I am going to be fine. I need to be more open and honest with God. I need to take some time with him and really read scripture more. I have been turning away from that, and I think that ultimately led to my cascade into depression. Plus, I have just had to deal with a lot this year. I mean-I'm trying to not be too hard on myself.
Grace is good.
I am re-evaluating things a little more right now and praying about things a lot more.
I opened up my storage bin the other day and I found my quiet time journal from DTS; while I was reading it, I began to remember things that God spoke to me during that time. And I know that they are still things he wants for me. And in those moments, remembering all the things that God promised me during that time, I found a peace that I have not felt in a long while.
I am finally getting my life back. And it is beautiful. And the people that love me are very beautiful.
And the birds are singing once again...
Monday, December 11
Friday, December 1
How much do I really want out of this hole?
Cause I just had a really good conversation with a friend of mine.
And I am really challenged.
Cause I realized the battle has barely begun.
And I can't do this half heartedly.
Cause giving up halfway through serves no point.
And I can't do it alone.
And I am really challenged.
Cause I realized the battle has barely begun.
And I can't do this half heartedly.
Cause giving up halfway through serves no point.
And I can't do it alone.
Thursday, November 30
My uncle is a douche
My dad went freaking nuts-o on my mom tonight. He tried to hurt her. He was throwing stuff around the apartment and she called the police on him and had him sent to the hospital. He was crazy drunk. But we also wonder if maybe the cancer has gone to his brain. Just acting out of control. He was like that a lot when I was a kid. He could also just be a pissed off drunken alcoholic.
Anyway, my uncle goes over to my mom's apartment and begins to rant about how much I suck and how horrible a person I am because I did not move back to Indiana. Uh, I did move back to Indiana. For a whole summer, you idiot! Ugh. He's just so mean sometimes. I don't understand what his problem is. What do I have to do with any of this?
And he said some other stuff that was really crazy that I just really don't want to get into. He was just being such a jerk. It's dumb.
Anyway, my uncle goes over to my mom's apartment and begins to rant about how much I suck and how horrible a person I am because I did not move back to Indiana. Uh, I did move back to Indiana. For a whole summer, you idiot! Ugh. He's just so mean sometimes. I don't understand what his problem is. What do I have to do with any of this?
And he said some other stuff that was really crazy that I just really don't want to get into. He was just being such a jerk. It's dumb.
Sunday, November 26
Happy "No turducken for you" Day!
I went home to Evansville for Thanksgiving. It was really good to hang out and talk with my friend Moranda. I had a really good time hanging out with her at her house. It was sweet!
I took my mom to dinner at my aunt's house and had a really good time. When we got home my dad and I got into a fight because he was drunk and being mean. He cussed at me. It made me cry. Then ten seconds later I thought, "How appropriate," and laughed my butt off.
It is what it is.
I took my mom to dinner at my aunt's house and had a really good time. When we got home my dad and I got into a fight because he was drunk and being mean. He cussed at me. It made me cry. Then ten seconds later I thought, "How appropriate," and laughed my butt off.
It is what it is.
Tuesday, November 21
Friday, November 17
And the beat goes on... Again.
Well, things are changing a lot here at chez Meg. Well, really it's not chez Meg, it's the sorority house. But that's beside the point.
You know, I've realized that things are what they are. I'm not so worried about the past these days. I'm not so focused on it. I've decided to move on with my life. I mean, now is not the time to be upset about the stuff that happened before. My life has been really tragic. It's a sad story. But it's also a story of love and hope and triumph over adversity. And I think that is what keeps me going. That and a good conversation with a caring friend. Luckily I've had a string of those lately. It has really helped me.
My dad is pretty sick. Now is not the time to focus on the bad things about his personality. When he dies, I want to remember the good things about him. The fun times we had. How we sat and watched FoodTV this summer for hours when he was in the hospital. How the first word he said with the attachment to his throat after the surgery was my name. How fun it was watching "My Fair Lady" and "South Pacific" when I was a kid. Those are things I want to remember. Lung Cancer is going to take him and who knows when it will happen, but the doctor has not given him a promising prognosis. And that is sad. It makes me sad. And it's okay that I am sad about it. I mean they pretty much said six months or a year and my dad will be dead.
And just so we're on the subject, I have to say that I really feel like every time I love something, someone, when I just let down my guard and let them in... They leave. And that makes me sad too. I have realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life overall. But I've had a string of deaths lately. People close to me. And that sucks. So many people close to me are sick or dead or dying right now. Well, at least enough to make me feel icky.
And it seems when I let people in and I let them love me and I truly open up to them they have to leave. They move away. I move away. They die. They get too busy for me. They get married and I don't see them for years. (I mean, I'm in my twenties. That's what happens when people get married: they disappear for awhile. It's just the way it is.) The point is, I realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life. And don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about it. I'm just saying. I have had a lot of loss. Disappointment. Pain.
It is what it is.
And the thing about all of this realization is that I have to move forward. I have been thinking a lot of the future. I am still weighing going back to school. Ugh. It's such a ridiculous argument in my head. I mean, it's not as if God is going to hold me back from going overseas if I choose to go back to college. I almost feel as if I would be saying that being an overseas missionary is out of the question if I go back to college. But I know that's just stupid. I mean really. I serve a God that is way bigger than that. And what I would be going to college to do would actually help me get into many countries and I could help people around the world or in my back yard. Hmmm.
It's just working up to it that sucks. I've been working up to it for years and I should really just let it go and stop working up to it and do it. Cause it really would help me in the long run. Ugh. Sacrifice now for the future. Man. I hate being a grown up.
I wanna be a kid again. But with less abuse and better parents.
You know, I've realized that things are what they are. I'm not so worried about the past these days. I'm not so focused on it. I've decided to move on with my life. I mean, now is not the time to be upset about the stuff that happened before. My life has been really tragic. It's a sad story. But it's also a story of love and hope and triumph over adversity. And I think that is what keeps me going. That and a good conversation with a caring friend. Luckily I've had a string of those lately. It has really helped me.
My dad is pretty sick. Now is not the time to focus on the bad things about his personality. When he dies, I want to remember the good things about him. The fun times we had. How we sat and watched FoodTV this summer for hours when he was in the hospital. How the first word he said with the attachment to his throat after the surgery was my name. How fun it was watching "My Fair Lady" and "South Pacific" when I was a kid. Those are things I want to remember. Lung Cancer is going to take him and who knows when it will happen, but the doctor has not given him a promising prognosis. And that is sad. It makes me sad. And it's okay that I am sad about it. I mean they pretty much said six months or a year and my dad will be dead.
And just so we're on the subject, I have to say that I really feel like every time I love something, someone, when I just let down my guard and let them in... They leave. And that makes me sad too. I have realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life overall. But I've had a string of deaths lately. People close to me. And that sucks. So many people close to me are sick or dead or dying right now. Well, at least enough to make me feel icky.
And it seems when I let people in and I let them love me and I truly open up to them they have to leave. They move away. I move away. They die. They get too busy for me. They get married and I don't see them for years. (I mean, I'm in my twenties. That's what happens when people get married: they disappear for awhile. It's just the way it is.) The point is, I realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life. And don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about it. I'm just saying. I have had a lot of loss. Disappointment. Pain.
It is what it is.
And the thing about all of this realization is that I have to move forward. I have been thinking a lot of the future. I am still weighing going back to school. Ugh. It's such a ridiculous argument in my head. I mean, it's not as if God is going to hold me back from going overseas if I choose to go back to college. I almost feel as if I would be saying that being an overseas missionary is out of the question if I go back to college. But I know that's just stupid. I mean really. I serve a God that is way bigger than that. And what I would be going to college to do would actually help me get into many countries and I could help people around the world or in my back yard. Hmmm.
It's just working up to it that sucks. I've been working up to it for years and I should really just let it go and stop working up to it and do it. Cause it really would help me in the long run. Ugh. Sacrifice now for the future. Man. I hate being a grown up.
I wanna be a kid again. But with less abuse and better parents.
Monday, November 13
Top five reasons today was good:
5) Dreamfield's was on sale at Kroger
4) I had my tall, one splenda, americano
3) I slept insanely well last night
2) I saw a great movie with a great friend
1) I played Tekken 4!!
4) I had my tall, one splenda, americano
3) I slept insanely well last night
2) I saw a great movie with a great friend
1) I played Tekken 4!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
