Coffee is the new tequila.

Oh, MoJoe, how I loved seeing you when I was in Columbus a couple of weeks ago. And, hey, look! There's Chad and Christy!

Love #1 Hair Dye
Love#2 MoJoe/Cup O Joe
Love#3 Broadcasting
Love#4 Roodewall

Must stay away from coffee...

Must stay away from coffee...

Must stay away from coffee...

Coffee is the new tequila.

Remember when?

Remember when my storage space used to be filled with all kinds of useless crap? Well, that's all done with now. This is all that's left in my storage space. And the lonely box on the left can go straight into the trash. Nice job, Meg. Way to let go of material belongings!

What's behind those eyes?

A retest of my theological worldview

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this. Emergent/Postmodern 96% Charismatic/Pentecostal 93% Neo orthodox 64% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 57% Modern Liberal 57% Classical Liberal 50% Fundamentalist 25% Roman Catholic 18% Reformed Evangelical 14% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

My views have changed a lot since last year. That is so cool! Very interesting...

Welcome to Crazy, Indiana

Yesterday, my mom went to the hospital where she was admitted and will stay for a few days. I called an ambulance for my dad and had him admitted into the emergency room. And then I shipped him off to rehab!

It's been the best week ever!

I started writing my book!

So, a few months ago God put a book on my heart, and I made another blog about it. You can track my progress here.

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I can't tell you what my glitch is. I just can't seem to figure it out. I am hoping that the next few days gives some clarity. That would be really great. I don't know what I am doing here, people. It feels like I am losing my mind sometimes. I have to be honest. I am wondering what the resoning is. Why did I do this? What it some selfish attempt at being a hero to people here? I don't know. I just need some definition to all of this emotional chaos.

Loneliness

When I am here in Indiana, I feel so alone. I can't fight the feeling. It's just like there, hanging over my shoulder. I am fighting this battle alone, and I am not being overdramatic. There is no home base for me here and I want out.

I cry every freaking day and I just can't take it anymore.

My mom calls every day. The hopelessness I feel about the whole situation with my parents just makes me sick. Sick of life. Sick of pain. Sick of me. Sick. I hate myself some days and I just fight back and forth with the guilt of wondering when this will all be over.

I'm just tired of fighting for my parents. I can't make them want to live. I can't make them deal with their own lives. All I can do is sit by and hole their hands as the ship goes down.

They both definitely would have been the string quintet.

Look, I can try to fight as much as I want to, but the truth is that I feel like I am losing my sanity. Every time something else gets thrown at me, I think, "This is it. This is what will break me. I'm for sure going to go over the edge this time."

My mom freaked out on me today. She called me like six or so times in like two hours fighting with having to go the hospital. I mean, if you're that concerned, go to the hospital.

Then, she called me saying that my aunt was coming to get her and take her to the hospital and my aunt didn't know how to work my mom's oxygen tank. Call an ambulance if it is that dire.

And as of right now, she's been at the hospital for awhile and I just can't bring myself to go over there. I can't do it. I am showered and ready. I could go, but I just don't want to deal with this. It's ridiculous. I can't stop crying. It's too much pressure on me. I can't do this freaking crap anymore. I've had it.

I am officially giving up, God, okay? You have to do something. I'm going to lose my mind here. I just can't take waiting around for them to die. It's too much. And I can't take crying and feeling sick every day either. What kind of life is this? I want out. Get me out of here. I'm done. I am so drained by all of this. I don't know how to not let it overwhelm me. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know how to handle all of this. I'm cracking and I need your help. Please.

Welcome to minimum wage

Yep. This is a really interesting story.

Yesterday, I cracked. I had a headache for like 2.5 days and I was really annoyed at caffeine. It was migraine status on Tuesday and I took a nap for like 2 hours which almost caused Gina to blow a gasket for some reason. Hee hee. She's funny. So, by the time yesterday came around, I was annoyed with life.

Side note: I get one more freaking wedding invite this year, I am going to puke. Too many weddings. You know how I feel about people geeking out for their weddings. They get all wierd and creepy sometimes. They just stop talking to you or they freak out about you not being able to make it when their wedding is across the country. I don't know. I don't want to give specific examples right now. I am just saying that it's wierd sometimes. I am sick of people getting married under awkward circumstances too. It makes me nervous that some of my friends might end up in the 50% that no one wishes to be in.

Anyway, I lost it yesterday. I was crying, yelling at God, throwing down with him over my situation. I ate fast food twice. No good, people. I felt all annoyed and fat. I was pissed about how life is for me right now. And somewhere inside me I had this hope that came out of nowhere. I am not saying I heard an audible voice, but I heard the voice of God. It's a very hard thing to explain to someone that has never had it happen to them. But God was like, "Would you swallow your pride for me? Would you work at Showplace for me?"

I was like, "Whatever you want, God, yes. I would work at Showplace for you." (Showplace is a cinema in town.)

I drove over to Showplace and asked for an application. The two girls that worked out front were eye candy. You know what I mean? Short, skinny and very preppy were three words to describe them. Yeah. Not me. Plus, they were like 16. If that. I thought to myself, "God, please don't let me work here. Is this really what you want for me?"

Nothing.

I got in my car and drove toward my parents' apartment. I pass Kohl's and I remember that Gina's friend said I could use her as a reference cause she works there. I filled out an application and the woman looked at me and was not very excited about my look. Yes, I could tell that. No, I am not being over dramatic. It just didn't feel right.

As I am walking out to my car, I hear that voice again. Not audible, just there, saying to me Sally Beauty Supply is hiring. I thought how funny if they are hiring, for me to know that they are before I get there.

When I pulled up to the store, there was a sign in the window. It said "NOW HIRING
20+ HOURS
APPLY WITHIN"

Yeah, God's pretty cool. I had a long talk with the manager and she felt really good about the conversation, so she asked me to come back today with my application filled out.

She pulled me back for an interview, and I realized that I think I have this job in the bag. I feel a purpose for me there. Here's the thing: less than $7 an hour. Yeah...

WELCOME TO MINIMUM WAGE!

Funny, God. Really funny.

Caffeine pisses me off.

Today is my first day sans caffeine. I have a really bad headache. Coffee has so much caffeine and does not taste the same when it is decaf. Caffeine. It is so freaking good, and yet, so freaking bad for me. I get on the train, I get off. I get on the train, I get off. I can't seem to stay off of the substance. And it is heroin to my body. And I know it is poison. I might as well go buy a box of D-Con and suck on it to make it through the day. It is my guilty pleasure and addiction. For sure.

Nafu, I'm afraid I've been thinking...
A dangerous pasttime.
I know.

I am really mad at myself that I never finished college. It is becoming a huge regret in my life. Re. Gret. Everytime I apply for a job, I think how different the job search would be if I had a degree. I think about how easy it would be to travel overseas and get a job. I could do all kinds of stuff differently, and it makes me regret not finishing. The debt? Sure, I don't regret that. And truthfully, that debt thing is what has been holding me back from going back to college and finishing.

I mean, I am freaking debt free! Why would I want that kind of crap hanging over my head now? If I want to go on the mission field, I surely don't want to do it with $30, 000 in school loans hanging over my head. Ugh. No thanks.

But I have a heart to teach English. I have been researching teaching English in Korea ever since I got out of DTS because of my friends JiSook and Jin Sook. I learned that I love Korean culture, and I loved being able to teach my friends things about English language and American culture. They asked me questions often and I loved that so very much. I have been thinking about going to Korea to visit JiSook, not only to visit her and Jin Sook on holiday, but to see if I would enjoy being in that country.

By the way, I ran into the ex-boyfriend the other day. My friend Judy saw him at a restaurant in town. Evidently he is working there for the summer, and going to China for three weeks in July on a mission trip. Well, Judy all but dared me to go eat where he works for lunch the other day. I mean, it was our usual place to eat for lunch before I knew Ben worked there. I wasn't about to let that awkwardly ended relationship ruin a good salad. Besides, it was time. It's been almost a year since we saw each other. I kind of hoped it would provide closure.

So we ate salads where he works. And to boot, he was working. And we sat in his section. He was my server. And I hope he didn't spit in my salad. It was wierd. Funny wierd. Like we didn't know what to say to each other. And never once mentioned that we broke up or whatever. Or that we used to date. It was pretty... Wierd.

Like at one point, he said something like we haven't talked in forever. I said, "Yeah, it's been awhile. I think the last time we talked was..." He interjected, "Last summer." I was like, "Yeah, last summer."

Dude, why did neither of us say, "since we broke up?"

It was an interesting meeting to say the least. I asked him about his trip to China, what he was doing there. And I'm not sure why. I mean, I kind of wanted to know because I love hearing about mission trips in general. But I kind of wanted to hear what he is going to do because I think this trip will be good for him. My mission trip changed my life. I hope he has the same result. But, it's not like I wanted to be good friends again after seeing him at the restaurant. I mean, I just don't want that.

He, on the other hand, was like trying to act like we should be or would be. Dare I say it? Friends. He asked me to go to a concert at the megachurch he goes to. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but I am not sure what to think about that. I am still freaked out a little by him, honestly. I mean, I was in his life at a very wierd time for him. Maybe he's changed. I have no idea what God has done in his life, but... It's still kind of freaky being around him. I am so curious what his life is like, yet, part of me doesn't want to know.

I just wanted to ask him with a laugh, "So, are you still gay?"

I restrained myself, but I really wanted to open the can of worms just to see where he stands now. I mean, it was "last summer" when we talked last. And that is my fault. He attempted to contact me on several occasions. Which just freaked me out because I told him when I broke up with him that I didn't want anymore contact. So when he did contact me, it just pissed me off because I felt he was being disrespectful. He probably just wanted to genuinely be friends with me, but he had just lived a lie in front of me for like three months. It almost killed me to break it off, but truthfully I was glad to be rid of him. Out of sight and out of mind, kind of thing. It helped me heal.

Guys are wierd. They deal with things differently than I do. It kind of freaks me out. Oh well. At least I left Columbus with a bang.

Anyway, the funniest thing was when Ben said that he had gotten a job teaching English overseas. He is really excited about it and wants that to be his job as a missionary. He said the job is in, get this, Korea. Not only Korea, but Seoul. (Where my friends live.)

The freaking irony of life makes me crap my pants.