Before!

I look like a freaking public service announcement

Book Material

I do keep getting really good ideas for my book here. I keep thinking about things and seeing how they are full of holes. Our theology can be so messed up.

My godson - what a cutie!

Everyone, this is Cole.

Cole, meet everyone.

What was I thinking?

When I made the decision to come down here in mid-May, I was hyped. That excitement diminished day by day.

Frankly, now that I am here, as time drags on, I really don't want to be here anymore. I don't need one more person judging my motives and telling me what to do.

I am so effing bored. I really don't feel much connection with anyone here. I am just so not in the same mindset and that is really hard to deal with.

I feel so lame.

I can't find a job. I never hear back from places to which I apply.

It's kind of discouraging. I mean, what's the deal?

Ugh.

I just don't know what to do. It's kind of overwhelming.

I really want to feel close to God and I don't. Look, don't lecture me about "your relationship with God isn't based on feeling." Yeah. Got that. I know. I'm just saying that not feeling close to him is really hard sometimes. I wish I could feel close to him 24/7 like I did during parts of my DTS.

I feel like I can't be myself here. Like being me isn't good enough... or something.

But I also can't judge the judgers because that isn't fair to them either.

I really think I am depressed. I feel anxious most of the time. I have a stomach ache, headaches, I'm always tired.

The physical symptoms have been going on for weeks, and they are not getting better.

This sucks.

Picture Diary

I was bored at the grocery store and took the above and below pics of myself while shopping.

This is a really crappy pic I took of myself the night I colored my hair. I was tired.
This is a product that could be purchased in Safa and most of my team had never heard of it. We didn't know it could be purchased here. But, here I found it in small town Indiana.
I took pics of myself during a heavy errand trip for the parentals.

I'd better invest in lots of waterproof mascara

So, I am officially a Hoosier again. Well, for the summer.

I made it here great. I actually had a big peace about coming here as I left Ohio. I mean, sure, I was nervous about leaving my Buckeye friends. Sure, I wonder where I will end up after Indiana. But at the same time, I am not too worried about it.

So, when I hit I-64, I knew I should go straight to my parents' apartment. My dad answered the door and was totally in tears. I think the last time I saw my dad cry was the day he had to put our family dog "to sleep" at the vet.

Dad can't talk at all because his throat hurts so badly from the chemo and radiation. He can't use the stint that is in there to help him talk. He's in a lot of pain, I know.

He ushered me into my mom's room after a quick hug during which I could feel his shoulder blades protruding out from his back like a woman filled with the self-hatred of anorexia. I felt his ribs, and I know that he has lost a lot of weight. Which if you know my dad, that just isn't good. My dad is quite thin on a normal day.

He was very rushed with his motions because he didn't want me to see him cry. I don't care. It reminds me that he is human. I spent so many years thinking that my dad was such a heartless animal that I am glad for any welcome change in perspective he may have to offer to me.

I went into my mom's room and she just cried and cried. And cried. And she held my hand and said with laboured breaths, "I wasn't sure I'd make it to see you." She pulled me close and told me that she loved me. She is hooked up to an oxygen tank and she has a hospital bed in which to lay. I can tell she is doing very well.

She looks all right, but I can tell that she is getting worse. She let me pray for her. I laid hands on her, and I asked God to restore her joy and help her relish any time that she may have left. I asked God to bring peace to her heart and mind. And to help us be at peace with our relationship.

I think I realized that my mom wants a second chance too, and she is afraid that she may not get it. Thats why I am here. I have a purpose. A second chance. This is the answer to my mother's prayers. I know it. And I am glad I am here, uncertainty and all.

I really have no idea what I am getting myself into. Truly. No idea, but here I am, both feet in. Not afraid to cry in front of people.

We went into the living room and sat to talk a little about how things are going right now. My dad just laid on the couch, every now and then rubbing his throat and taking a drink of Jim Beam. I know he is in pain. He's trying to drink to not feel so badly. To escape form the fact that cancer is in his body. Always running. Always not wanting me to see him cry. Not show any emotion.

But all I want is my dad to be real with me. Be open with me. Share with me.

When I told him that I found an audio tape in my storage stuff of me and him singing together when I was in sixth grade, he cried. And I was promptly ushered away. But I stayed there and told him what a blessing it was to hear his voice again. What a good memory to have on tape.

And now I realize it may take some work, but I am determined to make good memories. Act goofy. Laugh together. Have fun.

Death has come knocking. But I am not afraid. And with the power of love in my corner, I am not going down without a fight. I will fight for my family! If they won't fight for themselves, I will fight for them.

And if they die, at least they will have been in the presence of joy. And at least they will see peace and love. They will know merciful forgiveness.

And as promised to me in 2003, myself and my household will be saved.

Untitled

When I think about it, things don't really seem that out of control. They don't really seem that bad.

I got a new view of things after talking with friends of mine yesterday. I have been having quite a few freakout moments these past few days. Week. And it's been bothering me because I don't want to have that in my personality. But it's there. And I cannot tackle the immediate symptoms. I have to find the ultimate cause. Which may be why I am going to Indiana. . . Anyway, I have this sort of guilt at myself which makes things worse for me. It's like I internally punish myself for having a bad day. Like I am not allowed. Or something. This is a new thought process, so I am not sure where it is going to take me. I'm kind of sitting on it for now. We shall see what happens.

I think it came from outreach. Seeing what I saw. But I'm not sure yet.

I am going to miss these people on Ohio! God used me yesterday to speak truth into some friends. Including one of my pastors, which was so awesome. God really showed me that I can use my gifts. I hope to be in an environment to do so when I am in Indiana.

God was speaking to me last night about doing a headcovering, no make-up fast again. That should be interesting. Considering that I can't necessarily do that at any job I take. I am curious to see how he will guide me to do so. It's just a thought I had last night. I have a muslim friend that is very confused about where her faith lies. I want to do soemthing for her, but I don't know what to do. God challenged me to wear a head covering again. So, I am going to see what he says over the coming week. He's still gotta tell me when and all that.

I am going through a lot lately. Personally. A lot of stuff is going on. I am facing some serious stuff from my past and my life. I am also going through a bit of depression I think. I am leaving behind some relationships here that I will dearly miss. It makes me sad. And you know what? That's okay. I am allowed to feel.

And it's okay if I have a bad day.

I've got to lighten up and stop being so hard on myself. I can't beat myself up and be all selfish about things. (Beating one's self up over things is one of the ultimate modes of selfishness.) I gotta let God do his job. It's his job to redeem me. I gotta let him do that stuff. You know?

Yeah, I'm doing a lot better today.

It's no make-up Thursday.