How I feel today about my future.

SOW. I am not so sure that it is my time to go.

How I put it in an email to my friend:

I mean, my parents are sick and I really want to be there with them. I do. I feel like if I don't go home for awhile, I'll regret it. I think I am going to spend the summer in Indiana. Which will be crazy because, well, my parents are crazy.

But I think I have to do this. For a lot of reasons: My relationship with my parents, My relationship with God, My guilt free trip to Denver. I want to go with no regrets and nothing else on my mind but growing. I will be there, but I will constantly be worrying about my parents. It's just something I have to do. And it scares the crap out of me.

I know the whole "let the dead bury their own dead..." thing, but if my parents are my mission field, then I need to be able to do what I can. And I can do more than I did the three weeks I was there. I know I can.

I have a chance to make a difference in my parent's lives.

I am sad though, because I won't be at SOW with the people I wanted to be there with. I almost wish SOW was in the fall. That would rock my face off! I just don't see me going there for a month and then coming back here and then going to SOW.

I don't know. From week to week what I am going to do changes.

And who knows what God wants? Honestly, I think he's not telling me so that I will choose on my own. And I think he'll be with me whatever I choose. He would anyway, but I mean that there isn't a clear path laid before me here. I can do whatever I choose. He's saying I'm mature enough to know the answer.

But that answer scares the crap out of me. And it makes me cry. Because I just got started on being in a place of wanting to do what God has called me to do. And he allows me to be sidetracked to test me. Man, what a sense of humor!

I am so over me. It's not about me anymore. And that commitment is being tested.

Plus, the fleece happened. And I can't ignore that. Wait. I guess God did give me answer.

Ugh. I need some sleep.

What's all that commotion about?

That guy they crucified for saying he was the Messiah died on Friday and was put in some other guy's tomb. Today, they can't find his body and some of his disciples say that he is alive.

He came back to life?!

He is the messiah! He is the king of the Jews! He is the king of the gentiles! My king! My king!

My king is alive.

Whatever comes, comes

And that is about that.

That's where I am right now. Whatever comes...

I have really been praying that God would speak to me about what my next step is.

For instance: I have really been feeling like I should do School of Worship this summer in Denver.

But I also go back and forth with going back to Indiana and helping my parents out. I mean, it would be hard, but I would do it. Plus, my friend Gina has been sick after having a rough time with her pregnancy. I would really like to be there for her right now too.

But there is nothing opening up as far as a place to stay there.

This is my daily thought process. I feel so confident that I should do a School of Worship and then I talk to my mom or I get a "manipulative cry for help" email from her and I think about moving back to Indiana for a while longer.

My sign from God that I am supposed to do that has not come yet, so I wait. I know. I know. Fleece's are for extreme situations. This is extreme for me. It's my life. I only get one of them.

Anyway...

God rocks! Woot!

My weekend

Had the third wheel talk with Sarah.

Stayed at SJ's house instead.

Participated in SJ's wedding festivities and pre-wedding festivities.

Sarah and I went to SJ's bahelorette party.

Really interesting.

Totally for married women.

I laughed at how much they toed the line.

I have never seen so many plastic male body parts.

Sucked in all the alone time I could get before having to go back to Sarah & Jason's.

Read most of Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.

Recommended it to friends.

Had a long talk (until eight in the morning) with Sarah about when she got married.

Laughed with Sarah about all the plastic male body parts.

Talked about how I was one of two single women at SJ's bachelorette party.

Realized that some Christians get married just so they can have sex without all the guilt.

I laughed again.

Realized that I like being single.

Changed my mind and realized that I wouldn't mind being married.

Realized I would be afraid I would be getting married just so I could have sex.

I laughed again.

Went to SJ's wedding.

It was beautiful.

She looked amazing, like a princess.



I'm all wedding'ed out.

For awhile.

Three wheels

I cannot "let it slide" anymore; I still end up thinking about it. I am going to have to speak up.

I'm glad I had all that practice at DTS, otherwise this might totally suck. Now it may just kind of suck.

It's not that I'm dead

I'm just drowning here.

I am totally getting and feeling so confused by the allure of regular life. But I know how unsatisfying it was before. I mean, I am in a place where I could do anything and go anywhere. I could, in theory, stay here and work a job for awhile. However, I realize that is not what God is calling me to.

He's just not.

I've spent most of the past few weeks trying to talk myself into buying that theory. I can stay here. I can work on some projects with my friends. I can be comfortable. But, dang it, comfortable is not satisfying! Comfortable gives me insomnia. It makes me think things just to pass the time. I start entertaining my fears. I start reliving my past. I start thinking, "Megan, you're not getting any older. You are going to have to settle down sooner or later."

What am I? 40? 50? 60? I am way too young for a mid-life crisis. No thanks. No sports cars or toupees for me, man. I'm cool. Dude, I am way too old to not know who I am.

I mean, I just really found out who I am. And I found out that God can help me attain the character traits that will help me glow and shine and live free. The mountains showed me who I am. They showed me who God created me to be.

And South Africa showed me I could flourish. I could grow and love and not care about whether or not I'll ever own a house or be able to afford Se7en jeans or own a freaking laptop. I let go of all those things.

But in this moment, I am completely unsatisfied. I feel like I just ordered my favorite meal at my favorite restaurant and it was brought to the table with a big cockroach in it. Gross.

My verse right now is:
"But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

See, I just can't wait. It's not good for me. I was never one of those kids that could be patient. Minute rice? No way. That's too long a wait for me. But it's not about me; it's about what God needs me to experience while he prepares the way for me. My future is still out there. And I am living each day of it just as God knew I would.

I haven't missed out on my future. I haven't missed out on my calling. I am not wasting time. I am waiting on the Lord. In the original language of that aforementioned verse in Isaiah, Hebrew, the word "wait" means to be intertwined with the Lord.

I have to admit that I feel a bit like my relationship with Christ is dwindling at this point. Nothing like being intertwined.

I am not sure this environment is good, condusive or healthy for my relationship with Christ.

But he has me here. This is me. Being here.

Waiting. And trying not to drown in the decadence of all the "regular life" stuff.

Struggling

I come into this place,
running to receive your peace.
I've come with my own chains
from wars I fought for my own selfish gain.

You're my God and my father;
I've accepted your son.
But my soul feels so empty now.
What have I become?

Lord, come with your fire
burn my desires, refine me.
Lord, my will has deceived me.
Please come and free me.
Refine me.

My heart can't see
when I only look at me.
My [spirit] can't hear
when I only think of my own fears.

They are gone in a moment;
you're forever the same.
Why did I look away from you?
How can I speak your name?

Lord, come with your fire,
burn my desires, refine me.
Lord, my will has deceived me.
Please come and free me.

Come rescue this child,
for I long to be reconciled to you.

It's all I can do
to give my heart and soul to you,
and pray,
and pray.
Oh, I will pray.

Lord, come with your fire,
burn my desires, refine me.
Lord, my will has deceived me.
Please come and free me.

Come rescue this child,
for I long to be reconciled to you.

Refine me.
Refine me.
Refine me.
Refine me.

Jennifer Knapp, "Refine Me"

Who is this Jesus?

You know, it seems I can never learn enough about Jesus. I am convinced that no matter how old I get, I will continue to learn more and more about who Jesus is. And that excites me. That engulfs me. That consumes me. Getting to know Jesus.

It seems so vast a concept. Jesus. The son of God.

I am reading a book right now called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. (Thank you, Joe, for letting me borrow it!) This book is a freshness on Jesus and who he is that I have not thought about before. I mean, in some ways I have. I guess that's not completely accurate. I haven't thought about Jesus in these parameters before; a land where there are no parameters.

So many of my friends grew up in Christian homes. A few of my friends are daughters or sons of pastors or missionaries. And I have heard some of these friends say that they know all they will ever know about Christ. Jesus.

I believe that they may believe that, but I don't believe that as truth. I am convinced that there is no way that we will stop learning of the vastness of Jesus' character.

He is monumentally huge. So huge. Big. Colossal. Gargantuan. Enormous.

Enough of my thesaurus skills. It may make me seem pompous when I do that, but it is really my attempt at being poetic.

I have this sinking feeling that all of these years people have been selling Jesus. And I think that's the problem. Jesus didn't go around selling himself. He spoke truth, and everything else fell into place. He loved unlike anyone else in history.

I want to be like that. So badly.

I am painfully aware that I am nowhere close to loving people that much. I am still so self centered. Self indulgent. Self aware. At times self conscious.

But I am making strides. I notice that I don't react to things like I did before. I am much more peaceful now and that is pretty amazing to me. I don't even know when it happened. It just happened. I just woke up one day, and when I was exposed to things that would have cracked me before, I didn't react by cracking.

Odd. Who is this Jesus that can change me for the good without me having to really do anything? I just listened to what he had to say so to speak.

I have this sinking feeling we have no idea who this Jesus is.

Gah! I can't friggin' sleep!

I really can't. I've been laying in my sleeping bag for hours. Literally. I kind of started to fall asleep, and then Sarah's brother Josh came home from work. He lives here too. There are four adults, a one year old, a dog and two cats in this house. Hey, that's the makings of an ABC sitcom!

I keep thinking about my friend Gina. She's the friend I stayed with when I was in Indiana. She just had her baby. She called me Friday and told me that the baby, Cole, is gorgeous. She said he looks just like Ryan, her husband. She was really glad that he was healthy and safe. But she is sick. She's in ICU with blood clots in her arteries: her lungs, her leg... And she has a husband and a baby to look after. But she told me, "It's okay, Meg. God is in control. I know that he's gonna take care of me."

I should call Ryan and see how he is doing.

Gina is a very close friend, and I am so sad for her. But like she said, God is in control. I just keep praying that God would keep her healthy and safe. Cole needs his mom.

And I keep thinking about going back to YWAM Denver. I officially sent off for my School of Worship application Thursday. I really think that is what I am supposed to do. And it's funny, because I have the same feeling that I had right before I went to DTS. Excited, nervous and totally wondering if I am out of my mind. Yep. Must be God.

I am picking up my friend's car tomorrow. It's so awesome of him to let me use it. How cool is God? I am so excited to get going in the next steps that he plans for me.

And whatever it is, I am ready.

Something silly for your April Fool's Day