Obscure

I thought of you and something made my heart jump.
In the movie I watched, he told her it would be okay.
You said the same to me.
And I will never forget it.
You let me cry on your shoulder.
You let me be vulnerable.
You did not judge.
We have a deep connection.
Maybe not romantic.
And that's okay.

But something deep inside my heart misses you.
Without your smiling face things just aren't the same.
Not that my world is ending.
I have bigger fish to fry.
Often, I find myself thinking of you.
Often, I pray for you.
Often, I wish I could see you.
We have a deep connection.
There's no denying.
I can't allow myself to think of it as romantic.

Watching the flowing animation.
Greens, blues, and purples blend well as they mix.
And match my mood.
Cool.

A tear rolled down my cheek.
That awkwardly familiar sobbing feeling filled my chest.
As I remembered you.
Fondly.

And you're the only man that told me.
You told me it would be okay.
You're the only man that told me that.
The others just said it.
You're the only one I've believed.

Combien de temps?

I wait, oh God.
I am stripped of it all.
Yet I am consumed by its lustre.
Consumed by its decadence.
Get me out of here.
I could become intoxicated.
I'm out of excuses.
I'm out of money.
I'm out of losses to count.
They are no more.
Where is the magnanimous?
I cannot see it coming.
Blind faith.
A repetitive term.
Faith: belief in something.
Without logical proof.
Without material evidence.
Logic leads me away from you.
When I try to apply logic here.
In this situation.
So much is on my heart.
I am burdened.
I try not to think about it.
Because it makes me cry.
The burden of love for a people.
The burden of grace to freely bestow.
On the people.
God's people.
Even though they aren't choosing him.
They are still his people.
He wants them to be his children.
And I am ready to be sent.
A+B=C
It doesn't apply here.
I see what I could be doing.
I see what my heart yearns to do.
How do the two fit?
How do I get from here to there?
How long must I wait?
How long?
Combien de temps?

Disappointment does not have to equal discontentment

I am really disappointed with how things are done at my church in leadership, but I have to say that I love the leaders. I still love my pastor. And all the people I have so desperately missed over the last six months. It was good to be back. The service was wierd. I can't explain it. It just felt so dead in worship. No one seemed to really be able to worship. I know I couldn't. Of course, I guess the sound system blew or something, so that may have had something to do with it. It was very wierd.

I got to go out to eat with some friends afterward and that was so very cool that I can't even tell you. I really missed everyone. However, being here just reminds me that this is not my home. I don't feel right being here. It feels like a waiting room before I go back for the big appointment. You know what I mean? It's just crazy.

I am so freaking sick of being sick. I finally got to go to the doctor yesterday and I got some antibiotics. That was cool. I still feel like jank, but I am praying that this virus or whatever will pass soon. I slept all day again today. Not cool. I am not getting anything done here.

I did get some stuff from my storage space yesterday to sell. That will be good. I can list some old baseball cards and stuff. (I bet you never knew I collected baseball cards, did you?) I have some pretty good ones that may get some money. I am stoked about that, because I really need money.

Thankfully, God has been taking care of me in that department. I have been able to stay here at Jason & Sarah's and pretty much not have to pay anything. They are totally helping me out right now. I pray God blesses tham for it.

I need a car if I am going to get a job and stay here.

I need to get my storage space cleaned out if I am going to go to Indiana and then to Colorado.

I need to raise funds if I am going to do School of Worship this summer.

I need to stop trying to put a plan together myself and just let God do it.

I need to see some of my peeps from C-Bus before I leave here.

Holla. Back.

Back in the Oh-eighteen!

Only my peeps from Albequerque would get that.

Anywya, I'm back in Ohio . I slept all day. Till like one o'clock. It was sweet. I'm staying at Sarah & Jason's. They bought me pizza for dinner, and I've been playing with the cutest baby in the world. Well, at least in Marion, Ohio.

Hey Ellie!! Who's my pretty girl??

I get to go to my church, Highpoint, on Sunday. We'll see how it goes. I really just want to withdraw my membership at this point. I am so disappointed in how things are done there sometimes.

But I love the people all the same.

I missed them.

All right. I gotta go act stupid with the baby. She's almost walking now!

Mixed up

Turns out that we are flying out Thursday night, not Wednesday. Maybe I can talk Judy into going to the beach tomorrow... (o:

And now we pause while Megan has an email emotional breakdown to one of her DTSMates...

I have literally no idea what I am going to be
doing in the next few months, so it's crazy. I found out that I can no longer
hand out pamphlets at church about what I am up to missions-wise; my pastor put
a stop to any of us young people being able to raise funds there. I barely made
it through DTS... So, I have no idea if I will be doing SOW or Phase II or not.

I am totally not sure what the deal is with my life. I thought DTS
would jump start it, but it turns out that the brakes are on. Which I don't
understand.

I feel so lost. I don't know where my home is, I
have no money, I am so frustrated with my parents I almost never want to see
them again. My dad started drinking again and my mom has started pulling stunts
on me again trying to get me to do what she wants me to do. She's been a nut bag
on the phone the past few times I've talked to her.

I don't feel like Ohio is home anymore either.
It's wierd being back here. Good to see everyone, but wierd.

Becca still has my car in Colorado and it has something wrong with it and neither of
us have the money to fix it. I feel so lost in all of this crap. What am I
supposed to do? No clue. I have no freaking clue. But I know God hasn't
forgotten me or left me. That's the only thing getting me through.

I'd love to groundhog day the last six months. I want to
be together with most of my DTSMates so much that I cry looking at pix and
stuff. I want to be in South Africa so badly I can hardly stand it. I'm not home
yet. I don't even know where home is anymore. Eck. Ugh. I don't like
this.

I'm just feeling really out of sorts right
now. I thought coming to Florida would help me have some answers, but they are
not coming either. And I can't fill the hole that these spacious relationships
has left. Nothing makes me feel better. I still go to bed at night in a big bed.
Alone. God! I feel so alone. It's hard letting God fill the
hole because I just feel like disconnected from everyone. It's hard to feel
close to him too.

Why am I crying? Why am I telling you all of
this? Crap. I guess I am in dramatic mode. I just feel so off. And nobody
freaking understands what I am going through. Maybe talking to or seeing JD when
I am home will help. Yeah, I know he has to understand at least a little. Cause
I know that at least some of the rest of my DTSMates are going through this too.

It just sucks tonight.

I'm gonna go read some psalms.

Floatin' Down The River, Baby

Yeah, I'm visiting Judy in Florida now. I feel sick today, but I am praying for God to keep me healthy. Becca called today to say that my car is acting up. That sucks. We're both broke. But... Luckily Daddy has a big bank. Kingdom dollar, baby.

I will be back in Ohio for an unknown amount of time starting Wednesday. I think I am going to stay with Jason and Sarah for a little while until I work things out for going back to Indiana. Not sure what I am going to do. But these things take time to work out. Hopefully, I can sell some stuff from my storage space when I get back. I need some moolah.

Side note: I researched today and a ticket to Cape Town is only $1047. I thought it would be way more expensive than that. Just daydreaming. Wishing I was there. But there are a lot of steps between here and there. I have a lot to learn. Hopefully I will pass the test put before me, because I am fairly certain that's what all of this is. One big, fat test.

Who knows what the deal is, but I am trying to make small steps, despite my humanness to do what God is calling me to in the small seasons I get to be with people. Or maybe this is one big season of rapid change. Either way, I am in it and that's all I can do is just be.

Yep. That's me. Rollin' with the flow.

The Sunshine State

I'm here safely in a wonderfully comfortable bed, with two weiner dogs that love to cuddle. Judy is an amazing woman and I am so thankful for her being in my life.

How blessed I am...

I'm in Columbus!

Hanging with the Moody's. I missed Jas & Sarah. And Ellie. She's so cute. Could not be any cuter.

That's right. Florida here I come.

I need a break. Seriously, I have had so much on my mind that I cannot even focus on the Lord. I haven't really spent time with him lately. But it's one of those times in life I guess. I have been so busy visiting and taking care of my parents that I haven't had time to think. Or relax.

I am so glad to have a chance to breathe.

Kingdom dollar baby!

In Black Water Woods

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars of light
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon and fulfilment,

the long tapers of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders of the ponds,
and every pond, no matter what it's
name is, is nameless now.

Every year everything
I have ever learned in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side is salvation,
whose meaning none of us will ever know.

To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Mary Oliver

Holy crap!

I want to go to Denver! But, the midwest is where God
has me right now. I'm not really bitter or angry or even frustrated,
just saying. But I still think that I don't like the midwest as much
as I did before. We'll see what happens after I go back to Ohio for
awhile. I mean, right now I feel like that's not my home anymore.
That may change after being there again. It may not.

I am going to Ohio on Tuesday. My discipler/second mom, Judy, is
flying me to Florida for a week to hang out with her and God. Cause
I need some freaking down time! After Florida, I am flying back to
Columbus, with Judy, and staying for an inexact amount of time. I
may come back here to Indiana. I may stay in OH for awhile. (I need
to clear out my storage space and do my taxes.) I may move back to
Denver. I may do another school. I may get in a box and FedEx myself
to South Africa. I don't flippin' know what I am going to do.

Side Note: I did the whole crying about Safaland thing again. I was
at a Christian book store with my friendRuth today. Evidently, Israel and New Breed
put out a new album that was recorded live in Cape Town! I of course
had to listen to it. And I cried. In the middle of a store.
Surrounded by people. Then I played it for Ruth and started tearing
up again. I had to walk away. Is anyone else having this happen to
them about their outreach location?

Trying to keep track of my parentals is like, well, it's
like hell. My own personal Sucky McJank Hell. But believe it or not,
tired as I am, it's not really that bad. I mean, I'm in the center
of God's will. He's got my back. Regardless of what I am feeling
(like he's not even around.) Regardless of what I do (even though I
haven't been a perfect angel since I got here.) Regardless of what I
say (like I don't put my foot in my mouth on a normal day.) The
inanity (No, I didn't mean insanity. I meant inanity.) I feel from
day to day doesn't even matter right now. I know what God has
promised. And I haven't lost my cool. Even though I've had moments
of breaking down in tears, I haven't totally lost it.

I have been really emotionally needy lately, so I've been blogging a
lot. Maybe too much, but I don't care. I love it. I love getting out
onto "paper" what is going on in my head. It's sweet. Scary at
times, but vindicating at the same time.

It was good to hang out with a YWAMer. Good to hang out with someone
who knows exactly what I am going through right now. Ruth totally
understands what I am feeling right now. Pretty sweet.

Oh, yeah. How are my parents? Everyone wants to know. Well, they're
still crazy. Actually, I think my mom is crazy sometimes. My dad may actually
be somewhat normal. He hasn't had a drink or cigarette in like a month. And he is

healing from his surgery quite well. His surgeon is impressed. Thanks for all of

your prayers in that.

My mom's legs and hands are getting worse. She has so much trouble
walking. Some days she freaks out and cries and gets all crazy on
me. The next minute almost, she'll be normal. She freaked out in the
doctor's office the other day and I wanted to crawl into a hole and
die. She was freaking out at the nurse, saying that she wanted to be
admitted to the hospital because she doesn't have anyone to take
care of her. The nurse gave me this wierd look when I pushed mom out
of the office in her wheelchair. She's so flipping embarassing
sometimes. I felt like a total bad person, like I'm not doing enough
for her. But I'm doing what I can, and those feelings of guilt piss
me off! Stupid devil needs to get some new material.

Mom is really upset that I am going to FL, but I have prayed about
it and feel nothing but peace about going. If my ride to C-bus falls
through, then I know that God doesn't want me to go. Simple enough.
Mom also plays up her sickness because she wants me to move back
here and take care of her. Things aren't that dire, but they are.
Manipulation bugs me too. I hate it when she does that; it really
sucks.

Speaking of Satan's ploy, I have had really crazy thoughts lately.
I've been battling fear a lot. Tonight, driving over the bridge to
Kentucky, I had this overwhelming fear that the bridge was going to
crack open and my car would sink into the river. The other day I was
going into my parents' apartment and I had this fear that they would
both be dead when I got in there. I also got upset the other day
because I had this feeling that my mom was going to commit suicide
while I am gone. I know it's the spirit of fear trying to get to me.
But I prayed the "God did not give us a spirit of fear" verse over
myself.

Just so you know, this is like real fear. Like I am shaking and I
feel nauseous fear. I start crying because I think my parents are
dead in the apartment fear. Fear. Fear. Fear. I hate fear, and I am
sick of it taking over my thoughts and my life. I am sick of unGodly
things taking over my life and thoughts. I've had enough.

I can't even allow myself to think for a second that I want to give
up this fight I'm in while on this journey toward the Lord. I can't
even entertain those thoughts. I am not putting down my sword. I'm
just getting started swinging, so duck if you don't want cut. That's
right, this white girl's getting ghetto.

Don't make me slap the black off your track suit.