Gah! Bah! Fluh! Eck!

I just don't know what the point of all of this is. I feel so helpless when I am dealing with my parents. I don't know what to do to make them feel better. My mom is so hard to read. Sometimes I wonder what is really going through her head. She was in so much pain last night she said she only slept like an hour or two. She made an unnecessary doctor's appointment today. And as soon as we got out, she was fine. She wanted to go out to lunch, but then I told her that didn't make sense. If she's that bad, she needs to go home and rest. We compromised at getting take-out.

Besides that, I have a sore throat, I'm achey and I have a runny nose. I stayed away yesterday because I don't want to get mom and dad sick. That's the last thing they need. But today, I had to get out of bed and go over there. I had no choice.

Mom made a doctor's appointment with some vascular doctor for today. The guy can't really help her with her muscle or circulation problem. I tried to get her to go to a doctor that would be able to do more, but I can't control her. Her thought process kills me. The doc basically referred her to a circulatory doctor. He did order a blood test for her, but I don't think it will do much. They just took blood from her last week and tested it.

It was really wierd at the end. She asked the nurse if they would admit her to the hospital because she can't take care of herself. What?! I was so annoyed and frustrated. I have been for a few days anyway, but this just did not help. I didn't say anything though, because I can't control her. I don't know what to do. I can only do so much. I don't know how to handle things like this. I want my mom to be better, but then when she pulls these drama queen stunts, I just want to scream. I don't know what doctors to call or anything about what to do. I feel so stupid.

But I know that no matter how I feel, it's how my mom is feeling that is most important. I mean, I can't imagine how she feels right now, not being able to even change her clothes or anything. She has to have help for everything that entails a normal household day. And my dad is doing a lot when I'm not there. But he just had a laryngectomy. I am in the land of crazy!

I have begun to feel so far from God. I don't feel like praying, but I make myself. I haven't really had a quiet time in the past few days. I've just been escaping: tv, food, pretending nothing is wrong. I know. It's not good at all. I need out of here. I feel like I am drowning.

I don't even have a job. By all worldly accounts, I am officially a loser. Thank God I'm not living by worldly accounts. I have no idea where I am going to live or what I am going to do next. I just don't know. I think that is getting to me too. I mean, my parents have problems that I am trying to help with. However, I still have to deal with my own life on top of trying to keep track of theirs. Ugh.

Bleh. Bleh. Bleh.

I wonder what's on tv?

Do I still have ice cream left in the freezer?

Can Wednesday get here any sooner? I am ready to hang out with Judy.

Gah, I sound like Scarlet O'Hara. Drama Queen. Well, at least I know where I get it from.

Hello Safa Team! Outreach was an interesting dichotomy of events and emotions...
And I have Coldplay running through my head like nothing I've ever experienced. It hasn't stopped since we saw the Mexico Team perform at reportback a drama they wrote during their outreach. It was brilliant!

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

This is my reality...

I woke up late. I didn't get dad to his appointment on time. Luckily, his ENT was running things behind in her office.

Lucky for me, I got to go into the appointment with him. Yes, I am being sarcastic. I just wanted to sit in the lobby and read Newsweek. He wants me to go to these things. I guess for moral support. I don't know. I'm kind of afraid to ask. It's just wierd sometimes. Being in there while a doc is putting tweezers into a hole in your dad's throat. It's wierd when he is talking and I have to translate what he is saying to the doctor or nurse because she cannot understand him.

I guess I should be happy that I am able to be with him at all.

I can tell I am feeling really needy and vulnerable because I am blogging a lot lately. I guess I could call someone, but what can they really say that is going to help? Not much support can be given over the phone. It's wierd; I find myself going throughout my day thinking of how I would explain the events that are happening around me on here.

I am looking forward to Florida. My friend from Ohio has a summer home in Florida and is flying me down to see her next Wednesday. I cannot wait to go and get her all to myself for a week. I just need to have some fun again. There hasn't been a lot of fun had over the past week or so. I've started being a bit complacent about talking to people or calling or emailing back. I'm starting to retreat. That's not good. Fortunately, this week in Florida will be a week of downtime and relaxation. I have no idea what Judy has planned for the week for us. We may just swim all week at her pool. I like swimming. I miss it. I swam a lot in South Africa.

I freaking miss South Africa. So much. I can't stand it. I want to go back.

I really miss my DTSMates. So much that I want to cry, but I have to move on with life. I miss Becca. She's out in Denver chillin'. I wear her sweater she gave me and I am so thankful for her giving spirit. It humbles me.

There are some pretty cool people out there who really care for me, and that is such a help right now when things can feel dark and alone if I entertain thoughts best left to die out.

I knew we should have put another computer on that ship

I have been completely exhausted since we got back form Safa. I barely slept the week we were at the base in Arvada. I have been running myself ragged here taking care of my parents. Store runs, doctor's appointment runs, food runs, lottery ticket runs. My mom called me frantic the other day because she wanted a lotto ticket. She whined for me to go get it for her and bring it to the apartment. (Powerball = $350 million!) Thank God neither of them smoke anymore, so I don't have to worry about that. And my dad hasn't had a drink in over three weeks. That's a Tom Perkins record. So, in some ways, things are good.

But they are both suffering. My mom is in constant pain. She fell yesterday, walking through her apartment. Her arms and legs have gone caput. She can't open a cottage cheese container. I have to do it for her. I make dinner, do laundry and run to the bank. I keep reminding God that I can't save the world. But he keeps me going. He keeps me here, facing the truth. Truth: my parents' health is quickly failing, and they are going through so much that sometimes I am overwhelmed. There is nothing I can do about it. Not a thing. I can pray, which will bring some results. But I cannot heal them or magically make it all better. And I want to.

I am facing so much adjustment right now that I can't even focus. I am so freaking tired all of the time. I had to resign myself the other day to not go wishing for DTS back, but to accept the fact that it is over. I may never talk to some of those people again. Harsh reality: I can't stay in contact with 22 people on top of all the other people I am already trying to stay in contact with in my life. I have friends in half of this country and now half of the world. The world is so small to me now. So little.

I hate having to be shown this big fat plate of options for my life, and just get a grip on the fact that there really is a big world out there that is really small that needs me to tell it about Jesus. As quickly as that realization came, it has to be put on hold to figure out what to do about my parents. Where will I live if I move here for a few months to help them out? I can't stay with Gina & Ryan for that whole time. Gina's getting ready to have a baby here soon. Again, God is having me put my dreams on hold while my nineteen year old friends do all the amazing things for him. I just don't understand.

I was really having a hard time today with being so out of sync with the way things were just a week ago. I love YWAM. I loved being in Denver. I feel sad now, and I've been battling condemnation a lot lately. I've been having dreams that I turn back to means of escape to ease the pain I am feeling. I had a dream the other night that I had sex with some guy I met around my parents' apartment complex. I've not met any guys around there; stupid satan. I wake up, every morning, and I feel guilty for having had those dreams. I feel guilty for being able to get out and around like I can when my parents are trapped in their own personal hell so to speak. My mom hasn't been able to leave the house since last Friday. I keep having to pray into that guilt and tell God about it so it doesn't steal my peace. Or my joy.

I was in the shower this afternoon, and I just started singing to the Lord.

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for you

...and I lost it. I broke down. I slid down the wall and crouched in the back of the tub. Sobbing. Weeping. Helpless. With soap in my eyes and hot water streaming down my legs. I got out, wrapped myself in a towel and sat down on the edge of the tub. Crying. And then the peace came. Slowly at first, but then something reminded me of the power of my God. He gave me my daily dose of hope. And I needed it so desperately.

I need Jesus so desperately.

Please don't leave me, Lord. Not now. Please stay close. Are you close? I need you now. Hold me. I want to smell your hair and feel your breath on my neck. Hold me tightly and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Let me cry on your shoulder and get your robe wet with tears. Be here with me. Cry with me. Share my pain. I cannot bear it alone. Inside it hurts and I need release. I will not turn back to my old ways of release. I release my pain to you. You won't leave me, Lord. Especially not now.

For the Love of Toast

Yeah, so I'm in my hometown and it's really wierd. This is not going to be easy. I'm taking care of my parents on top of everything else culture-shock-esque that I have been a part of lately. I love Jesus though, man, and he's the only one getting me through this stuff. Cause it sucks.

I went to four different stores today to fill the grocery list of things my parentals need, and it was wierd because I went to a store that I used to shop in when I was little. My grandmother used to take me to this store, and it was so funny being there. I thought about the fact that thousands of people have been in and out of its doors over the years. My grandmother used to shop there. It was... well... wierd.

I stopped to get gas today when I was driving my mom's car and I moved to four, count them, four different pumps because I couldn't figure out what side the tank was on and maneuver the car correctly. What the crap?! I feel like I am losing my mind. It's no good, man. But I did come up with a new phrase... "For the love of toast!"

I was at Big Lots today and I realized that a lot of stuff that is popular in South Africa is really freaking cheap here. Like clearance at Big Lots cheap. I found two kinds of Safa soap, Safa biscuits and Safa chocolate. And I almost started crying... over South African products. Over chocolate and soap. Over not being in South Africa right now.

Yep. God's the only thing holding me together.

Memories... all alone in the moonlight

Me sledding at Eagle Rock! I had so much fun that night. Me at Love Feast. That was a crazy night. I felt almost in shock. Like lecture phase wasn't really coming to an end.
The famous Hapa O-Roll and Multi O-Roll. The best freaking sushi I have ever had. I miss Boulder man. And it's only been like two days.
At a shop in Boulder. Posing for Ji Sook I think. Who would buy that ring anyway? I bought the glasses and then gave them away in Safa. I miss Safa.
Why did Ryan let us do this to him? He is the best little brother ever. I love that kid to death.

Just a few pics from the fun times. I need to compile pics from Safa and some other adventures we had in Colorado. I miss my DTSMates so freaking much. It feels so lonely without them and I feel so much like I am in a dream and it's not really over. How crazy is that?

I have to move on with life though and not keep pining for things past. It's hard though because Indiana is temporary. So it's hard to move on when the place I'm in is temporary. I really don't know how all of this is going to go. Part of me wants to get on a bus and run away to Ohio or Denver. Or anywhere but here, but I will obey what God has called me to do. Only he can help my heart be in it. Cause right now my heart's not in it. I finally got sleep last night and I am still tired.

Man. DTS. How crazy was that?

The blunt truth is...

Turns out that my mom did not have a stroke. I am going back to Indiana to be with my family for awhile and to help my mom take care of my dad. I'm coming to terms with it all. I know that it may be hard to go back to my hometown, but God has done so much in me the past few years and months and I am excited to tell everyone about my trip.

I miss my friend Moranda. I barely get to talk to her anymore. We were really close back in the day. My prayer is that we can reconnect when I am back and not just have a surface friendship... Which means I need to let myself be vulnerable. I'm getting better at that these days.

I miss Gina & Ryan and I am so glad to get to see them. Gina is way preggo and should be having the baby in early April. I may be there for that! Woooohooooo!

Yeah, it's been hard the past couple of days saying goodbye to all of my DTSMates. I will miss our laughs and tears together. It's funny though, I really feel like I will see most of them again. Especially if I get my around the world ticket. That's right! I'll be travelling Aussie style. That's how they do it.

Anyway, I'm all graduated now and I am ready to take on this next step of life. I am keeping up with discipleship with a few people from the base here. My leaders love me too much to just let me go. I will not always be around a strong Christian influence in Indiana, but one of the staff members has a fiansce that I met a few months ago and she lives in Henderson, KY. So I am going to get together with her some while I am home.

I am sure that God is guiding all of this and setting things up for me, and for that I am glad. It's cool to have a daddy that cares and looks out for me. I am ready for this. It's going to be awesome too.

Back to reality

My mom is in hospital with a stroke.

I'm going straight to Indiana to be with my family.

Dear God please... I need you now more than ever.

I'm baaaaaaaack!

I'm alive. In Denver at the base for graduation. I will be heading back to OH on Sunday or Monday and hopefully stopping in Indiana at some point if not hanging out there for awhile.

My Dad is in ICU right now because he has throat cancer and had to have his voice box removed.

SUCK!!

See you guys soon. Jet lag kicking in...

On to our next challenge...

So many people in South Africa are dying of AIDS. It is a horrible thing to see little kids sick with HIV, knowing that they may end up having AIDS and dying someday. Thanks to Antiretrovirals, Aids can be reversed. I have met a child that used to have AIDS, but now only has HIV. These meds are not a cure, they are just a means of helping the infected person, child, live a somewhat normal life.

I've learned a lot since I have been here.

Tonight, I got to play with some of the kids here at the orphanage for the last time and I cried when I came back into the room. Who will love these kids? If not for Beautiful Gate, they would have died. True. Sad, but true. Most parents either died or abandoned them. It kinda sucks.

Luckily they have mommas in each cottage that love them very much.

Anyway, we are heading out from Beautiful Gate tomorrow and taking a train to Worcester - pronounced "Wooster" - to train to work at a summer camp for about ten days after that. We probably will not have internet acces during the next two weeks, and internet cafe's can be quite expensive. I just wanted to let you all know that, so you didn't think something bad happened.

Please remember to pray for our team. We have some people that I know are not adjusting that well to outreach life and such tight community life. It's hard to be patient with people sometimes.

Also, my leader has brought some things to my attention that I do and I am trying to sort through what God has in that for me. I am trying to discern whether what she is saying is just personal preference from her or members of the team, or something that is a character flaw within me.

Yeah, none of us really know what to expect from this camp deal so just keep our team in your prayers in that as well. It may be overwhelming. It may be chill. We really don't know what to think yet. I am not sure what to do. I have only been a camp counselor once... Last year. I have no idea what we are getting ourselves into. I'm ready for the adventure though.

By the way, I have now officially tried kidney and liver stew, and that's all I have to say about that.

I really love South Africa. I'd stay if I could. It's amazing here. And the youghurt is tasty. Haha.