My mind is reeling

At night, I lay my head upon my pillow and daydream. I remember my day. I think of the future. I plan my wedding. I think of friends. I think of my mother's health. Tossing and turning, I forget the power of my God. I feel incredibly lonely. I wish others were up tossing and turning at this hour, so I could have someone to talk to. Such is the curse of my life it seems. A friend of mine once told me I stay up late because I don't want to miss anything. Sometimes I wonder that I miss way more when I am awake. I used to feel that the life I am living really isn't mine. I am living this life, while the amazingly cool one I should be resigned to is being experienced by someone else.

The funny thing is, if I feel out of place at all now, it will only escalate when I go off to become a missionary. I mean, initially, it's for 6 months. However, it could very well turn into longer. I am trying to wrap my head around that possibility. God may clear my head enough to show me that this is a life calling. Am I fully prepared to give up all that I have here in Columbus? I know that it isn't really much in some ways because... well... For one thing, it's not like I have a job right now.

Questions come to mind, but I'm not backing down. I'm going to apply to YWAM and see what happens. I just know that's what I am going to do. Deep inside myself I know that is what I'll end up doing. And it does scare the crap out of me in many ways. Here I have finally found friends. I have a second family here that has me over for every holiday that I don't go to Indiana. I have a church family that though quite imperfect, I love more than anything. I will have to say goodbye to them for at least 6 months.

I feel so lonely I could cry. What a life I am choosing to follow God into. I know the lonliness will grow if I don't get a hold on it. Am I prepared for this? Am I ready? Is it time? While all of my friends are married and living in the 'burbs with their little SUV's and minivans, beautiful children in tow, I will be building a church in Thailand or working with HIV+ orphans in Nigeria.

Is this what I choose? God is this what you want? Shouldn't I be smarter or more experienced or more spiritual? Shouldn't I be more perfect before I do this? I can't seem to stop fighting these little sins that get ahold of me. I mess up all the time, and I fall short so much.

At night come the questions. At night come the lonelys. At night comes self doubt. At night comes the pain of loss and rejection.

I just have to ask God to help me deal with it all. No matter my doubts, he's still the one I love and the one I choose to follow. I have promised to do what is asked of me, no matter the cost. I cannot just walk away and ignore what has been laid before me. The chips are on the table, man. I can't fold now. The bottom line is: Can I put my money where my mouth is? I claim to believe in and follow Christ.

So, what's it gonna be Meg? In or out?

In my heart, I know all this is right. And I'm in! I'm committed. Gah! It's amazing I sleep at all!

There goes the neighborhood

I saw a commercial on MTV for JLo's new album coming out on the first of March. (Don't give me guff about MTV, 'cause I like watching Pimp My Ride! A clothes dryer and 40" flat screen telly in the back of one's VW van? That is like totally practical. )

I found out if someone wanted to, he could listen to the entire new JLo album on mtv.com. Well, I've got nothing better to do.

I decided to give her a listen. Man, JLo is kinda tight. She has some really sweet beats! This album makes me wanna bob my head and do the little hip hop arm pump thingy. I am feelin' this.

What am I, drunk??

And if anyone I've ever made fun of for liking J - Tim, N*SYNC, Christina Aguilera and the like reads this, I am so screwed.

Someone has to say it

A random quote in the journal found in an old purse:

"Newsflash: You're not cute when I'm angry." from the series Angel

I can't remember why I ever watched that show. Oh yeah, because a bunch of my friends like it. (I will never fall prey to Smallville! Never!)

Some people love Angel too much. They have raised $17,530.65 to help save the show.

Don't these people know there are starving children in Africa?! Spending money on chocolate bars to send to Fox and WB head execs? Are they for real?!?!

Write a fanfic or buy the DVD set people; you know, suck it up.

Kickin' it old school, the past comes back

My mom used to clean out her closet almost monthly when I was a child. Out of all the purses thrown on the floor of the closet, she would only pick one little number to clean out at a time, leaving the rest for the next lottery drawing. She would grab a purse probably not used since 12 years prior and turn it upside down on her bed, spilling the contents onto her flowered lavender sheets. Usually the main staples recovered were an empty checkbook, about $3.32 in change, two paper clips, four non - writing writing utensils, crusty cough drop wrappers and a cigarette package conaining no cigarettes. Not to mention about fifteen receipts from various department stores as well as a few from the bar where she worked.

In some ways, I have become my mother.

I was going through an old purse the other day, and I found:

1. an old journal notebook
2. three pens from my church
3. a few expired Advil
4. some change
5. an eyeglass repair kit with screws that fit none of my sunglasses
6. a chocolate tulip sucker I inherited from my supervisor at WSFJ
7. a few movie ticket stubs (Why did I go to AMC this much? I don't even like that theater.)
8. Mickey D's coupons that expired a year and a half ago
9. half - empty (or full) box of Tic Tacs
10. the papers I signed for my botched 2004 Elantra car deal

I picked up the journal again, and discovered it contained lots of information. Notes on sermons and small group meetings I had attended, notes on a handgun class I took for the production and sales departments at WSFJ, some friend's addresses, directions to concerts and the like and random movie and TV quotes.

I flip to some song lyrics. A friend had all of his songs on dot matrix computer paper and I was in the process of putting them into Word files when I moved about four times. So, rather than risk losing them, they were promptly returned. However, not before I copied the words down to a song he played for me back in '99 or 2000 that really assessed where I was then, spiritually speaking.

I remember the night he played it for me on his guitar, and how I wept at hearing it. I remember sitting on a stool in his mother's basement. The damp air resonated with the words as the song explained the very core of how I was feeling. The words were just so truthful and honest. There comes a point in one's life where arguing against truth becomes futile. Hearing this song was a turning point for me. An important moment, and I shall never forget it.

Agnostic (c) Siloam 1998

Look at it from my perspective
It's not that I don't believe in God
It's just that you're not reflective of the truth you preach
I want to believe there is hope after death
I can't conceive how your lifestyle wastes your breath, and

I am stuck in the middle of the mean
I can't tell which grass is green
I'd love to jump the fence
but your double life prevents me

You speak of brotherhood
You say we're all one big family
I must have misunderstood
I thought that entailed unity, and

I am stuck in the middle of the mean
I can't tell which grass is green
I'd love to jump the fence
but your double life prevents me

You tell me to have faith
but you don't give me a reason to believe
"Here's what the Lord saith"
Funny how you pull words you don't follow out of your sleeve

I am hurting
I am searching
I need love
I could use some help from above, but

I am stuck in the middle of the mean
I can't tell which grass is green
I'd love to jump the fence
but your double life prevents me

I am so over the small town angst

Well, I have decided to suck it up and really be open to where I am needed. No more of this selfish crap! I decided to go back to my church and commit myself wholly to what God has for me there. The church I attend is just north of Columbus and a bit of a commute from campus on Sunday morning, especially for one that's not a morning person. I have not really been open to moving there because for someone who moved away from a small town, it seems rather nonsensical. Honestly, I have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to small towns. I mean, I left one and moved here. Why would I move back to a small town? I might as well move back to Indiana. Logically though, it would be a smart move to move where my church is because I could get a lot more involved for the summer. There are some great teen projects coming then that I would love to be a part of. It would be totally ideal if I could find a family or whatever that would put me up for the summer so I can raise some support $$. I can always stay here at the house for spring quarter (until June.) My roomies really love me and don't want me to leave, so they've made a big deal about offering to make room for me here. How sweet is that? Makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Anyway, I'm open to wherever I am supposed to be.

You hear that God?!?! I'll do whatever you want okay? Just let me know, dude. I know you're on top of the job thing, so I'll just leave you to it. The place to live? I know you've got that too. Just do your thing. Um, seriously? Thank you.

Je ? Formation à être un missionnaire ?

Yeah, it just may happen. After literally years of deliberation, I have decided to attend a missionary training school. I am sending out my application in the next few weeks.

Yes, I am a little scared. Yes, I have no idea what the future holds. Yes, I have no idea how I will raise the $$ for it.

However, if I can be blessed with over a thousand dollars in two weeks, then I know "$6000 by September" will come to fruition.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Just for the record

I was down to like $30 two weeks ago. I was super confused as to how I was going to pay my bills. My unemployment had not been approved after being fired yet, and I was really beginning to worry. I prayed really hard, asking God to provide for me. In the bible, he promises to provide our needs, plus he also promises to keep his word. (Sometimes I get confused on that whole needs thing and start expecting him to provide my wants, but that's a whole different post.)

It is now two weeks later and I have the money I asked for. And more. My unemployment was granted, many generous friends gave me money, and I received a refund from the IRS.

I asked him for help, and he answered my prayers. I am so happy to say that God is who he says he is. He continues to prove himself to me even when he doesn't have to. I love him so much, and I am so blessed to be loved by him. I hope others can see this in my life.

I just cannot believe that he did that for me, even though I really should believe it; it's his promise to make and keep. However, I don't feel that important that God would pay attention to my needs. I mean, I'm an ant compared to the billions on the Earth, but that doesn't stop him from noticing me. When it comes to my life, he thinks I matter.

He thinks you matter too, just for the record.

Billy Idol gets it; I don't know why she doesn't get it

I was in a skit at church this morning. It was pretty fun. I totally love acting. I'm not like great at it or anything, but I love doing it. It's fun! It's even more fun when one remembers his lines. I had mine memorized yesterday. I had them down. Today and I woke up and just went blank. I was running lines with myself in the car on the way and I just could not get it together. I kept forgetting. Big fat blank. At least I remembered that I was playing Martha Stewart.

I get to church and put on my costume, trying to remember my lines as I dress. I know if I forget them I am going to look like a total freak. I start thinking that if I screw this up I am a total hypocrite. I comment on acting so much; I am a self - proclaimed acting snob. I can't look like I don't have it together. Everyone will know I'm a fraud! I banish these over - dramatizations and confidently march up on stage for run - through before the church fills with expectant worshippers. I am going to look like I know what I'm doing even if what I say makes no sense!

I stroll across the stage, feeling the white warmth of the stage lights, and I think to myself, "Wow, it has been too long since I graced the stage." (Or anti - graced considering my recent tripping and/or falling issues.) I cannot remember my lines still, but I choose not to care. I realize how much I love performing, and self - assurance eclipses self - doubt. I pray and ask God to help the lines come to my mind when we do the real thing. Who am I doing this for after all?

In that moment, thoughts that I could have used to beat myself up became paltry.

Baby, you've got me feeling emotions, deeper than I've ever dreamed of

Pain is defined by dictionary.com as

1. An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.
2. Suffering or distress.

I experienced pain with someone tonight. My friend bared her soul to me. She told me how empty she has been feeling. It just broke my heart. I am going to pray that God helps her through it and shows her the way she can be at peace in all situations.

It's hard to watch someone you love and care about self - destruct.

Romans 12:15 (New Living Translation)
15When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow.

I hate to be a Christian cliché, but...

I really think cussing makes one look uneducated. Call me judgemental if you want. I met my housemate's brothers tonight when we all went to see "Hitch". (Gina works at AMC and got us in for free.) Her older brother is close to my age and kind of cute - tall, dark, handsome, Italian. Whatever, the point is that when he cursed in front of me I thought to myself that he must be like... Well, I thought of him as unintelligent and so not at all cute anymore. The guy is working on his freakin' master's! He's supposed to sound more educated than that. I wonder if that's what people thought when I used to drop f - bombs all the time. Did I sound like white trash? Ugh. That thought makes me ill. The point of moving away from home was to learn what life was like outside of my upbringing. Anyway, I felt guilty afterward for thinking that. I just met the guy after all, therefore who am I to think such things?

I have standards for myself, as in not anyone else, and I try not to cuss. I'm not perfect though, and truth be told, I slip sometimes. I am usually a pretty open person when it comes to others. I mean, I accept people as they are and let them say what they want. I have no right to tell anyone what they can or cannot say in front of me.

Needless to say, I am not going to roll around in my guilt. That won't do any good. I just had to confess to someone that I thought it. Why not those reading my blogs?

Les rêves obtenus, les transforment en plans

J'ai rencontré Judy pour le déjeuner aujourd'hui. Nos moyens de rapport tellement à moi. Elle m'encourage toujours à atteindre pour mes rêves, quoique celui-ci particuliers que je ne pense pas qu'elle est superbe passionnant'environ. Je projette sur aller à YWAM en septembre et je sais qu'un dieu fournira chaque cent qui je dois y arriver. Je m'occuperai d'une base à Seattle, WA ou à Lausanne, Suisse, en dépit de quelles personnes peuvent penser à moi allant en Suisse due à mon ami Ryan étant transféré là avec son travail. Je choisis de ne pas m'inquiéter ce que n'importe qui peut penser, en raison de l'encouragement de Judy. Je suis très reconnaissant que le seigneur donnerait m'à l'occasion d'être plus étroit avec lui. Je dois prendre notre rapport avec le prochain niveau. Je ne sais pas ma famille va le prendre.

My battery is running down

It's eight fifteen a.m. and my alarm is getting louder and louder as I transition into consciousness. I hear Nikki & Obadiah talking some smack about video games and I realize that I must get up for my job interview. Not until I hit the snooze for an hour, however. I couldn't get to sleep last night and I sure cannot wake up today. I have an hour of hitting snooze before my alarm will automatically turn itself off; getting out of bed in this house is like getting onto a plane in Orlando about August then landing in Toronto about January, de - boarding in your tank and shorts when the wind chill is negative twenty four. It's freezing! Needless to say, I rouse from my chambers at 9:45. I need to be out of my house by 10:20 at the absolute latest, and so begins my day.

I finish getting ready. Wearing just base and mascara on my face, I head down the stairs, figuring I can put on the rest of my makeup at a stoplight. (Yes, I am one of those girls!) As you can guess, I am running late! My foot reaches about five steps from the bottom and I realize I am caught! The right sleeve of my sweater is caught on the corner of a loose dowel rod attached to the banister! Consequently, I tumble the last five steps, landing with an all too familiar thud on the floor. My sweater is up over my head and still attached to the dowel rod which is now completely torn off the staircase. Words I can't say out loud come to mind, but I refuse to give in to speaking them. I just stand up and get my sweater back on my body as my housemate comes running out of her downstairs bedroom to see what all the commotion was; she just stares with her mouth agape. "Ouch! Ouch! Twice in three days," I say, half - whining as the pain of the fall is recognized by my brain. I have no time for condolances from my housemate cause I have got to run! I look at my sleeve, the sleeve of my absolutely favorite sweater, and realize that my sweater sleeve is ripped. This is like the nicest piece of clothing in my closet. It was awfully expensive, for me, anyway... "Man, that sucks!" I say as I take off back up the stairs. I remotely hear my housemate ask if I am okay and I half - heartedly yell a yeah as I hurry to grab another shirt.

I receive a call on my cell on the way out - the second time - from a lady at a computer distributor who wants me to come interview today at one. That's good news! I reach the broadcasting company and swing my Hyundai into the parking lot with seven minutes to spare. I stop and ask God to calm my nerves after the adrenaline rush of my morning start. I check my makeup. Huge bags under my eyes, check. Frizzy hair, check. I forgot hair spray and curling creme. I look like crap, but at least my skintone is even and my zits are covered. I'm like 26, by the way, and therefore should be beyond the acne stage of my life. Thinking about that fact makes me want to cry. Before the tears well, I quickly realize that today is going to be a bit of a battle. I refuse to give in to the sad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I have no idea where it is coming from.

I switch my radio to (the Blitz) one of the stations owned by the company at which I am interviewing to get myself psyched up and ready to sell myself like a rack of cow ribs in a butcher's window. I always feel so violated at interviews. I don't know this person. I spill all of this info to him and he'll deliberate and still may not hire me. Meanwhile, my personal information remains in a file at the back of a drawer hopefully to be shredded and properly disposed of. Who knows where it will end up? I note to myself that I rather dislike the Blitz, because its music has no substance. In defense, some Slipknot song was playing as I turned off the engine and strode in the front door of the office. If you're gonna rock out hardcore, at least write some engaging, meaningful lyrics.

The interview went okay, I guess. One never can tell about these things. I thought that my interview at WSFJ went badly, but I got hired anyway. The second interview of today, I would not call said name. Miss Della did not "interview" me. She told me her story. Miss Della is in her late sixties and has seven grandkids. She wanted to stay home and take care of said children, however she "likes to work too much" and chooses not to retire yet. She drives from Mansfield to Dublin everyday. That's over an hour! Maybe it's just me, but when I signed up for this interview business, shouldn't I have expected to talk about myself a little?

Today was crazy. I felt this underlying sadness all day. I almost started crying in the cereal aisle at Kroger because I was thinking about my uncle and how long it's going to be before I see him again. I really miss him. I can't get over the fact that the only papers in his bible were momentos of his daughter, Jordan, a picture of my uncle Jerry when he was like 17, and a picture of me. I was that important to him. God, he was only 46! That is so young. He's too young to be gone. He'd probably tell me to stop crying like this about his death. He'd probably tell me to suck it up and then kiss me on the forehead, and I'd give anything for one last kiss on the forehead.

I am so blessed to be where I am right now. Surrounded by good friends and a family of people that love me. I feel like I can handle just about anything with who I have on my side. I am really thankful for all of those who have helped me out financially through this time. I am super humbled to be surrounded by friends who have listened to me cry or complain. I am especially grateful to you who have bought me movie tickets, knowing how much I love movies. I love you guys! Thank you so much.

Today's blog was brought to you by Hallmark
Fresh Ink. The sappiest cards in the whole freakin' world! (o:

Showers of Blessing

I got a sweet taste of God's love for me tonight. I went to my roommate Gina's small group and I was completely blown away by the discussion. We studied Mark 5:1-20; I get uncomfortable talking about demons and stuff sometimes. I know that they are very real and I'm not just giving you the church answer when I say that. I know that they opress and posess today just like in Bible times. I think that is why I get so uncomfortable.

Anyway, studying that passage made me realize how "human" I am. I just really want to be like the posessed man when he begs Jesus to take him on the journey with the disciples after his healing. I want to hang on Jesus' coattails, desiring to be close and intimate with him, but I also know that I am keeping things from him. I am not trusting him like I should; I fall short. I mean, I keep seeking these things that bring me temporary comfort and I know that's not what God has for me... or wants for me. He wants to heal me and release me. If I don't trust him with this pain deep inside me, then there is no way that I will grow or change beyond where I am. I prayed about these things with a friend from the group and her husband. (Thank God for Abbey and John.)

I accepted the freedom that he has been trying to give to me for awhile now, and God restored me. I am right with him, clean and pure. He is not holding me to my past. Why should I hold myself? I need to forgive me as much as I need him to forgive me. However, for the future I need to get some self control, because without it, I am not producing the fruit of the spirit.

Bottom line: I love God, and tonight he showed me a glimpse of how much he loves me.

Anyone male who may read this: Listen up!

Can I please someday find a guy that loves me just the way I am, imperfect? I am really bugged by all the guys in my past who have told me that I am wonderful, a great mate for them, but... What's with the but? If there's a but, then don't bring it up, okay guys? Just let me go on thinking you're a jerk! Be self sacrificial, will ya? I am a woman, and women can't deal with the but!

lol (o:

I lack the "graceful" gene

Tonight I had to run to Meijer because I needed to deposit some checks at the USBank branch.

I felt an uneasiness in the air as I stepped out of my car and began to walk my way down the row of cars toward the doors at the front of the building. I realized that I had my huge wad of housekeys in my pocket, so I turned around and went back to my vehicle to put them in my purse. I was just running in for a minute, so there was no need to load myself down with accessories. I set out again for the entrance and stopped to let a Jeep Cherokee back out. The girl and guy inside looked at me like I was an alien for not walking out in front of them. I politely smiled at the girl and ducked my head down to the asphault, picking up my pace. The Jeep pulled forward and out of the aisle as I stepped into perpendicular traffic in - between the lines of the crosswalk, my 2 inch heels clicking with each movement of my feet. A two door coupe pulled up in front of me, and I had to cut around it to get to the door. Two guys immediately jumped out of the car and walked quickly behind me, as if herding me, wishing me to speed up. When we walked through the first set of doors, I felt this sinking feeling about them walking so closely. I hate it when people walk behind me! Especially up staircases, I am so self conscious that they'll see one of many imperfections on my body and scrunch their nose in disgust. Even more, I am afraid that I will do something very uncooth like walk into a door or trip over something; I am famous the world over for my clumsiness. I reached the second set of automatic doors, and my heart rate sped as if my brain could detect impending doom. That very second, my stiletto caught on the strategically placed carpet. My whole body fell to the floor with a loud thud and before I knew it, I was on my face on the floor with a security camera on me and at least 10 pairs of eyes staring at me. The guys behind me snickered and the 82 year old greeter rushed to my aid, helping me pull myself vertical again. The greeter asked me if I was all right. I just laughed and walked toward the bank counter. What else could I do? Customers in the aisles stood frozen, their eyes on me and their heads cocked to the side. They seemed confused as to how all 200 something pounds of me ended up biting dust.

In my defense, I have not worn heels since November due to snowy sidewalks and
walkways...

Why me?

Interview Hype + Sleep Dysfunction = Slacker Emotion

All right. I woke up at 1:30 today. I must admit the truth of my crappy sleeping habits. It's crazy that one can just sleep through lunch. Most of my friends are looking forward to the end of their work day right now. They have big plans for meeting up with each other, having a Mexican dinner and then running home to catch Smallville. I just got out of the shower, and I'm not even dressed for the day yet. I haven't left my house since Sunday night, truth be told. My friends all have cool hair, perfect faces or makeup and their business casual threads on. I feel like such a slacker. Okay, so I am being a little over - dramatic. It's part of my charm? Like I said last night/this morning, I am actually enjoying the break from office life.

Speaking of which, I received a call today, just after waking, from a radio station. They are looking for a traffic assistant, which is what my position was at WSFJ. It's about time I got an interview! I was way excited when I got the call from the "broadcast group", but after checking out the website, I am not so excited now. Probably because I never listen to the stations that the company owns. I've never worked in radio either which is a bit scary. At WSFJ, we had this new traffic person come in and she had a rough time adjusting to TV from radio. I know. I know. I'm not her...

I committed to God that I would follow wherever he led me, so I can't back out now. I decided not to do things half - way anymore and I need to be open to wherever I would be placed. I don't know what is going to happen in my life in the next few months. I am only living in this house until the end of March. That's when the girl I am subletting for comes back from Equador. So many unknowns exist in my life right now, and the only thing that gives me peace is God's promise that he has plans to proser me and not to harm me. Grace is a beautiful thing, when one lets it drive thought and emotion. That is a wonderful alternative to my feelings of slackerhood.

Things one will do out of boredom and insomnia

My life is like completely boring since I got fired last month. I just want to find a job and nothing is coming my way. I know that God will provide for me financially, so I am not really worried about that. I am a little frustrated that I have received no answers to my resume postings, however, I am also enjoying my much needed break from career life. My sleeping pattern is totally out of whack. (It's 3 in the morning right now.) Funny how old habits die hard. I used to stay up this late every night like two years ago. That was before WSFJ made an honest woman out of me, requiring me to work days. I was late a lot though, regardless of the fact that my boss would pull his hair out expecting me there at nine. I always have had trouble getting up early. I should be a bartender with the hours I naturally keep. I have been tired since like midnight tonight, but I laid down, curled up in my down comforter and could not fall asleep. So I opted to publish a blog.