2020-Where the hidden darkness is now being exposed

Here's a confession:

Before you read any further, if your skin is brown or black, I  want you to know I'm so sorry. I was being an idiot. But I'm not anymore. 

Not only only have I asked Jesus to forgive me, but I repented to him for not being as vocal as I should have been. Even though I have been an ally and advocate for those with a skin tone unlike my own, I was lazy in part. What I was doing wasn't enough. I had blinders on.

I used to respond with, "Of course, but all lives matter," when someone mentioned #BlackLivesMatter to me.

I did this because I was ignorant and apathetic. I didn't grow up "privileged."

I grew up poor and so I balked at the phrase "white privilege." During all these protests I realized something: I have been pulled over a few times and not once did I worry I would be killed because of it. I even got into a yelling match once with a cop (not my best moment) and I now realize if I were black, I might be dead now because of that.

I wonder if white folks get crazy about Black Lives Matter because it exposes the hidden racism in our hearts and makes us face the broken system that indoctrinated us.

I'm not racist, but I have been influenced by a broken system that has left my black brothers and sisters hemorrhaging while they put on a brave face to laugh with me every day. And I kept silent because I thought what I was doing was enough.

But it's not.

It's time for a change of heart.

Ignorance is no longer acceptable. We all need to be honest, forthright, have repantant hearts, and love another. We need to expose the demon of racism and repent. We need to listen more than we speak. We all bleed red. No one is above the other. ❤️😭😭

x

A letter from Yahweh

Both the prodigal and the brother

In the story of “The Prodigal Son” I see my own reflection: in both the prodigal and the more committed son. I used to stomp my feet with God all the time asking and lamenting, “Why me, God?” 

Then, one day my soul and spirit opened up and blossomed and I realized that I was so focused on the wrong side of the point. If God loves us and gives his whole kingdom as in the story where the father says “All that is mine is yours," and I work hard for years and do not recognize nor accept that freely given advantage, and I choose to throw a fit with God when troubles come... Is that really God’s fault? It seems more like it's my own fault for not taking the advantageous role of precious daughter in his eyes. It is my choice to avoid the gifts freely given to me. 

When my prodigal brother comes back and I am lost in jealousy and angry to the core saying, “Daddy, why didn’t you honor me for all the times I stayed with you?” He’s in loving awe, looking at me, saying, “All I have is yours, my dear.” 

All he has is mine. Why did I tuck it away and hide it all those years as I preached his word? All the while, I did not become love and I was selling a product in which I did not really believe. 

How sad. 

Why did I do that? Because I did not trust in his love for me. He loved me, but did I really love him?

Then I look at things from the side of the prodigal and I see myself there too. I ran from love, ran from truth, ran from my God for so long because I was lost and dirty and I had squandered my inheritance. Then, I ran home to him apologetically, confessing I messed up, and he put a crown my head, gave me a beautiful dress and told me he loved me and always would. He threw one heck of a prty in my honor.

He kissed my cheek, picked me up, and welcomed me home. 

Truth is

If I let someone else's terribleness and bad thoughts about me run or ruin my life, it's because I gave them that power.

It is a choice. I revoke that choice right now. I will not let those things do to me what evil would love and that is--break me.

I am a rare and beautiful flower who blooms in diversity and is cherished. If you don't cherish me, that is your loss. Frankly, it's sad that you would choose that path. Ever. But still your choice and right to make it.

 I will always walk the path of forgiveness with someone who has wronged me or whom I have wronged, because it is the right thing to do. I will not let unforgiveness bring a curse upon me. I've far too much for which to live.

I love when people can come back and work things out even after a rough patch in their relationship because that means that love wins.

And just saying love wins isn't enough. One must walk it out.

Wake Up

I am really shocked at the fact that I am still sane even though I have spent most of my life around people that think I am just an idiot. Why is it that the family and friends closest to you always hurt you the most? When you need them to really back you up and be a forgiving advocate, they decide to place blame on you.

I spend all this time and effort trying to make myself appeasing to others: losing weight, holding back what I really think, dressing up this fat body, and making jokes to make others comfortable. Why?! What good does it do? You fall in love and trust someone with your heart and they don't honor you. They hold off next steps in life because their fear and family's abuse has produced in them a level of fear that stunts their ability to move forward.

How ridiculous am I that I put up with this behavior? I do not have time for your shenanigans. And I am definitely not an idiot. Do not mistake your second chances for me being blind to your faults. I see you. I just keep waiting for you to get on my level of realness with my past and what it was like growing up. You are still living in a dream world where you can fix your family and you will get a storybook happy ending. Their abuse patterns won't let you. So open your eyes.

My heart hurts. I have cried myself to sleep so many times over the past few months. You just didn't always see. I have forgiven you more times than I care to count. You have forgiven me too, no doubt. But in this, are you really hurting more? Is your reputation really on the line? Are you taking all the risk? No. False. I put my trust in you. But will things go the way I would love?

I have given up so much in life for other's happiness; this started way before you came around. I have lived with stress and lack of comfort or surety for most of my life because others required it for their seeming sense of peace.

Meanwhile my anxiety gets more and more thick each day as I worry about my future and what that looks like. As you tarry, I get crazier. I get more nervous and more ripped apart. Unsettled. Saddened. Lost. These are not good things.

I am good. Why do I feel so badly? I feel like this is all my fault. But it's not. It's just a place and a something I'll never do again. I can never be in this place again with anyone else.

Right now, I need to hear why I am awesome. Why am worth your time. Why you love me.

I understand this passage in a different way than I have before. The truth is, forgiveness is really hard and maybe a journey, not a destination. Anger takes over when I am wronged, but the truth is I am called to forgive those who wrong me. I am hurting, but I am not a victim.

Luke 6:27-49New Living Translation (NLT)

Love for Enemies

²⁷ “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you.²⁸ Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. ³⁰ Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. ³¹ Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

³² “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! ³³ And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! ³⁴ And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.

³⁵ “Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. ³⁶ You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.

Do Not Judge Others

³⁷ “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. ³⁸ Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.^[a]”

³⁹ Then Jesus gave the following illustration: “Can one blind person lead another? Won’t they both fall into a ditch? ⁴⁰ Students^[b] are not greater than their teacher. But the student who is fully trained will become like the teacher.

⁴¹ “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye^[c] when you have a log in your own? ⁴² How can you think of saying, ‘Friend,^[d] let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

The Tree and Its Fruit

⁴³ “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. ⁴⁴ A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. ⁴⁵ A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.

Building on a Solid Foundation

⁴⁶ “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? ⁴⁷ I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. ⁴⁸ It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. ⁴⁹ But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

Seriously, if you are depressed, do something about it. Being a sad sack of potatoes isn't doing any one any good, least of all yourself. Get to a therapist or psychologist, get some therapy, and get some meds. Just get better. Life's too short, and you can overcome anything. One doesn't always have to suffer with a diagnosis, but one can thrive and live with one.

Being the Debbie Downer in the group isn't cool, and posting "I give up" messages and status updates online isn't going to help you get a better life. Sucking all of the attention out of the room isn't going to heal you, but making a choice and letting love in can. It's a choice to not give up. So make it.

If anyone in here has a reason to throw in the towel, believe, it's me. But I don't and I won't. I refuse. I am worth more than that, and you are too.

Make the choice. Do the work. Get help. Get better.

Dear Mom,

I can't believe you are gone. I keep wanting to call you, but then I remember you are with Jesus now. I wish I could have told you one more time how much I loved you. No one will ever understand all that we've been through together. Most of my young life it was me & you, all the time: getting sodas at Jr. Mart, shopping at Eastland Mall (before it was cool and renovated) or laughing together over something silly one of us did. You taught me so much about how to be strong, stand on my own and trust my own instincts above what others say. You had such a great sense of humor and I thank you so much for teaching me to laugh at myself. Sure, things weren't perfect. But as I got older and started letting Jesus into my life, he brought us together, healed us and taught us to forgive each other. Truly, these last few years have meant the most to me because they taught me so much of God's true love. I promise to tell your grandchildren how wonderful you were, show them your pictures and tell them stories about you. I'll tell them about you reaching out to others at dialysis in spite of your own pain and about how honored you were to be the Ambassador for the Evansville Kidney Foundation. I will tell them how much you loved them and wanted to meet them. I will tell them you are in heaven, and I will tell them how to get there. Thank you, Mom, for everything. I love you more than you will ever know. I will miss you every day. Please say "Hi" to Dad for me and tell him I will wait patiently to see you both again. I will remember the good times and I will always hold you dear to my heart.






Your loving daughter,


Megan

Fairness

Powerful people harass me without cause,
but my heart trembles only at your word.

Psalm 119:161

Check out my friend, Zady The Makeup Guru.