:[random antimosity]:

Dear Mom,

2011-07-22T02:02:00.000-04:00

I can't believe you are gone. I keep wanting to call you, but then I remember you are with Jesus now. I wish I could have told you one more time how much I loved you. No one will ever understand all that we've been through together. Most of my young life it was me & you, all the time: getting sodas at Jr. Mart, shopping at Eastland Mall (before it was cool and renovated) or laughing together over something silly one of us did. You taught me so much about how to be strong, stand on my own and trust my own instincts above what others say. You had such a great sense of humor and I thank you so much for teaching me to laugh at myself. Sure, things weren't perfect. But as I got older and started letting Jesus into my life, he brought us together, healed us and taught us to forgive each other. Truly, these last few years have meant the most to me because they taught me so much of God's true love. I promise to tell your grandchildren how wonderful you were, show them your pictures and tell them stories about you. I'll tell them about you reaching out to others at dialysis in spite of your own pain and about how honored you were to be the Ambassador for the Evansville Kidney Foundation. I will tell them how much you loved them and wanted to meet them. I will tell them you are in heaven, and I will tell them how to get there. Thank you, Mom, for everything. I love you more than you will ever know. I will miss you every day. Please say "Hi" to Dad for me and tell him I will wait patiently to see you both again. I will remember the good times and I will always hold you dear to my heart.

Your loving daughter,

Megan

Fairness

2011-04-04T22:41:00.000-04:00

Powerful people harass me without cause,
but my heart trembles only at your word.

Psalm 119:161

Check out my friend, Zady The Makeup Guru.

2011-02-16T22:22:00.000-05:00

Pattern

2011-01-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

I always hope the pattern will change in someone. I pray that there has been a real, honest shift in the heart, but not everyone wants a healthy change in their life. Not everyone wants healthy communication. Sadly, some would rather hide in their fort they've spent their whole lives building up. And you have to let them. We can't change everyone. We can only change our pattern.

Short fuse

2010-12-14T00:25:00.000-05:00

I am angry and bitter. The pain surfaces so easily these days, when I should be most proud of myself. I recognize this, when most wouldn't in their own lives. But I am horrible at doing something about it.

Judgement call. Not a judgement.

2010-08-10T01:45:00.000-04:00

If you're going to sleep around, that's your choice. But can you please at least be smart enough to use protection and get tested? That's all I'm saying. I'm not judging you from a Christian perspective or a moral one. I am just saying, intellectually, wouldn't you rather not die from a disease like HIV?

Blech.

2010-05-08T01:10:00.000-04:00

I burst out in anger multiple times today. Please don't follow my example, thinking I have the love of Jesus for others in my heart. Cause I don't. Not the way I used to.

Facebook | Megan 진주 Perkins

2010-04-09T01:43:00.000-04:00

Facebook Megan 진주 Perkins: "My name is Megan. I am a pearl of great price. Matthew 13:46 (New International Reader's Version) 'He found one that was very valuable. So he went away and sold everything he had. And he bought that pearl.'"

Happy birthday, Dad!

2010-03-09T22:54:00.002-05:00

You would have been 66 today.

Food For Thought

2010-02-09T23:42:00.000-05:00

Food For Thought:

"Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.

Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.

All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.

Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to."

Where do I stand?

2010-02-04T01:36:00.002-05:00

^3-5You're going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy. They'll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages. But you—keep your eye on what you're doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive; do a thorough job as God's servant. (2 Timothy 4:3-4, The Message)

³ For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; ⁴ and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables. (2 Timothy 4:3-4, New King James Version)

³ For the time will come when they will not endure the sound doctrine; but, having itching ears, will heap to themselves teachers after their own lusts;

⁴ and will turn away their ears from the truth, and turn aside unto fables. (2 Timothy 4:3-4, American Standard Version)

How many thousands of years ago was this written? And yet it still rings true. People listen to what they want to hear. They do what they want to do. I was like this at one point in my life, and it's not something I'm proud of. I want to be teachable, and to pay attention to what the truth is. I'm not into falling in line with what everyone else says. I just want to live and speak the truth. Cause I'm sick of everyone staying in their lies. I don't want to be like that. And I can't worry about them , and what they are doing. I can only handle myself. And what I'm about.

Well, time has gone on for so long...

2010-01-07T01:59:00.002-05:00

Where did time go? Where did it go? I see people's profiles on facebook whom I went to high school with who will be eternal members of the sophomore brigade, and they have kids. They are married. They live in Nashville, or New York, or Orlando. Time got away from us, because now those kids are grown up and having kids. I wonder how we stop it. Time. It just keeps going.

Every day I live, I am another day closer to seeing Jesus. For most Christians, this is a peaceful thought. Me? It scares the crap out of me. Death really can get me nervous if I think about it too long. And time just keeps going. Someday, we'll be going to see our kids graduate high school and lighting candles at their wedding.

My dad died at 63. I am 30. If I die at 63, that's 33 years from now. And dang it, that's not enough time! I know my dad was an alcoholic and a smoker and I am neither of those things, but death makes you think. There are so many things I still want to do with my life. I have barely scraped the surface of my potential, and I don't want to die before I get to experience more of the goodness of life.

But it's ultimately up to God how that goes down. I remember very clearly a few years ago, when I publicly told God that I would die for him if my life came to that point. Now? Oh, no. Please don't ask that of me. I am not ready to die. At all. Even if it is for the purpose of God's kingdom. Sorry if that makes me a bad person, but I'd be lying if I said I was ready.

I feel so small right now. Like a little speck. And time just keeps marching. Going on and on.

Dear People,

2009-12-03T22:10:00.002-05:00

Dear People,

I don't understand you. Sometimes you are stupid.

Why?

~Me

I relate to David.

2009-10-05T00:11:00.002-04:00

I relate to the bouncing around from 'God, why have you forsaken me?' to 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'.

Today is the latter.

What now?

2009-10-04T00:48:00.003-04:00

It's been almost four years since I returned from my YWAM school.

During that school I really felt like God had made so many changes in my life. I knew truths that I had never heard from anyone before about God. And I had not just heard them, I'd experienced them. Life wasn't the same.

I wasn't the same. That DTS changed my life. I was ready to tackle the future head on and go anywhere God told me to. I wanted to do anything and go anywhere for him. I was in love with God.

And then I came back to reality. The infamous "real world". And God said, "Don't worry about orphans in Africa. Just let me love you. Stop running everywhere and hiding away with your unsettled heart. Go back to Ohio and let me give you a love you've never known you deserved."

So here I am. With my faults and all my pain. Pain that I conveniently thought was over after my mission was done. I buried those things with my graduation date.

But dammit, they won't die. Again and again, they resurface. The tears and the shame. And new hurts bring them out. And new hurts rip open the old wounds because I am just plain tired of being in pain. And part of me says to just stop.

But can it stop? Do the hurts of our past ever really stop? Do we ever get over them? After all I had experienced in Africa, I swore they could. I swore they would never again come back for me or have a place in my life. I swore I was healed. I told people I was healed, that God healed me and he could do the same for them.

If that's true, then why do I feel so broken? Why have some of my relationships become awkward and more dysfunctional than a friendship ever should?

Worst of all, is that my fault? Do I do this to myself? Because right now, in this moment, I feel sad. I feel like I'm just plain messed up and I'll never be better again. My pain and hurt and disappointment and brokenness feels insurmountable.

But is it?

I thought life was better, going to be awesome, and I had finally hurt my last over a dysfunctional childhood. I thought my abuse and pain would never grab hold of me again.

I thought I could move back here, be with the man I love and finally be incurably happy instead of sad and broken. And while that man does make me so very happy every few weeks I cycle back to this place. The place of brokenness. And I ask God to help me. Please, God, help me not be broken anymore.

I really thought things could be better.

But, unfortunately, life just keeps kicking me in the face. Situations and circumstances pummel me in the stomach until I can't breathe. Dear people to my heart die, younger then they should have, leaving me with questions of, 'Why the heck this happen God?' And the always underlying, 'What is the point? What's the point of all this?'

With the ever present realization that life really is so short, I wonder what my place is and what my purpose is. Because this can't be all there is to life. This moment of tears in my eyes.

Right?

After what I thought I knew and what I have seen happen in life around me, I just have to wonder where I am supposed to go from here. What now? What's the deal? And for goodness sake, I have to be missing something. There has to be something I'm not getting.

I have made lots of strides, but at the same time, I feel I haven't made any.

God, I don't see the whole picture. But you do. And while I'm frustrated, I still trust you. And when I don't trust, help me to trust you. And when I'm angry, help me to forgive. When I'm lost in the sadness, help me find my way. I don't see the whole picture, God, but help me get the point. Help me to remember that you once told me I was healed of all this. And God, I believed you. With all my heart. But I have to confess I don't believe that anymore. Help me to believe again. Help me to find healing again. Please. I don't want to be broken anymore. Please fix me. And teach me that process. I need to find my way back to healing and wholeness. I'm not feeling (or I confess, acting) very whole lately. People have said things. In anger, maybe, but it doesn't make their statements any less possible. Maybe I am what they say in some ways, but I choose not to forget what you say I am, and who you say I am. I want to live life in wholeness. Not hopelessness. And you're the only person that can do this with me. It's me and you. I can't do this by myself, I know that for sure. I need your help. What now, God?

Where is our priority?

2009-09-22T00:13:00.002-04:00

If you are a Christian, why would the phrase "my blood" come out of your mouth about anyone but another Christian?

Your family on earth is merely that: your family on earth. If you believe you have been adopted as Christ's son or daughter, isn't that your family? The other adopted sons and daughters of Christ?

The blood of Christ is the only blood of consequence to us that believe Christ's death on the cross as anything but lore. So, why you say something like "my blood comes first" when talking about your extended family is confusing to me.

Your blood is the other people who choose Christ.

The "Almost Girl"

2009-07-28T16:33:00.002-04:00

My friend coined this phrase and I really dig it. Because I can relate. The "Almost Girl" hasn't had much of a career, doesn't do the normal midwest "go to college to get your MRS" and then get preggers by 24 thing and doesn't own a house. I mean, seriously, what's so wrong with being an "Almost Girl"? Nothing.

Yeah, my life is behind some people's in tick marks of things we do before we die. I mean, I'm a 30 year old unmarried woman with no children. But here's the deal: some of my friends got married young and divorced young. I mean, it's dumb for me to compare myself to others all the time. Yeah, I'm not a mom. Yet. But I will be someday.

And I am dating the most amazing guy ever, while some friends I have spend their days having trouble with their spouses because they are now facing issues they maybe should have faced before marriage. Justin and I remain faithful to one another and to God. I really love Justin and I don't want to date anyone else. Yeah, we're going slow. I mean, we've been dating 2 1/2 years. Which is a heckuva long time... Especially in Christian circles. But then again, it's cool. I mean, we love each other. And we're able to talk out (even fight out) our differences; which if you knew how I grew up, you'd realize it's a freaking miracle. I haven't had that with anyone before.

It's just that I realized someone who I thought had everything I wanted (and-if I'm being honest-should already have) doesn't have everything she wants. And it made me think that I'm okay. I'm doing well. Even though I have family and financial things with which to deal. It is what it is: not the end of the world.

C'est la--Shut up!

2009-06-24T20:39:00.000-04:00

I really hate life sometimes, but who doesn't? Who isn't ahving financial difficulties and family issues lately? I mean, it's the way life is. The sucky thing I am realizing is, the more you think being in God's Will means you're protected from bad things happening, the more wrong you are. Bad things do happen to good people.

And next year this time, I'll barely remember getting a ticket I can't afford, and trying to pay bills I can't afford. I'll barely remember hating my situation as much as I do.

I'm sure I won't remember crying in defeat this much. Or crying for that matter. The world is an emotional place for some of us. I don't just take things in stride. I mean, I try to. But I also feel that the harder I try to be good with my finances and go to church more and pray more and all those things, the more I screw up.

I mean, what is it about me that fails? Cause I don't succeed at life nearly as much as I want to. And that's the way it has always been. I really am trying, but things just go the way they want to I guess, regardless of how much I try or want my life to be better.

I hate the things I can't control. Boo.

2009-06-01T19:08:00.001-04:00

The African people have a desperation for God that few of us in our suburban churches could ever understand. Their hearts are open to whatever God would have for them. Unlike us, that will only do what is in our comfort zone. We should look at pictures like this and be moved toward God. Toward whatever he would have for us. Not just what we think or want, but what God himself would want us to do. Whether that's engaging a stranger in Starbucks or selling all our collectibles and using the money to hop the next plane to to Thailand to preach in the streets. Paul, Stephen, Timothy and all the other disciples of Jesus the Christ only wish they had the modern conveniences we have to use to spread the hope and love of Christ. Can you imagine what Paul could have done if he had YouTube? What a crazy world this is. I want to be more like Jesus. And this photo is a great motivator.

I found this passage

2009-05-13T19:02:00.001-04:00

The Message (MSG)
3-4 When the clouds are full of water, it rains. When the wind blows down a tree, it lies where it falls. Don't sit there watching the wind. Do your own work. Don't stare at the clouds. Get on with your life. 5 Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, So you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does. 6 Go to work in the morning and stick to it until evening without watching the clock. You never know from moment to moment how your work will turn out in the end.

New Living Translation (NLT)
4 Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant. If they watch every cloud, they never harvest.
5 Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb,[a] so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.
6 Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another—or maybe both.

I mean, it pretty much says take a risk and a chance and keep it up. You never know what will come from your hard work. Don't wait for things to be perfect, cause you'll never get anything done. Just do what you're supposed to do. I don't know. A lot of things I want to write here, but I'm not going to take the time right now.

Just meditate on it, you know?

Eviction

2009-03-30T20:41:00.003-04:00

Dear panic attacks,

I know you have this idea that we are friends. I would like to inform you, however, that we are not. You are ridiculously unwelcome in my life and I am not asking you to leave or to stop, I am telling you. You have no place here in my psyche. Or my body. You have not shown yourself in a long time, but you were still there, hiding under the surface. You are hereby banned from ever showing yourself again, and served this well deserved eviction notice. Get away from me. Get out of my life. Never come back in the name of Jesus, my precious friend and savior.

Sincerely,

A beautifully loved and cared for woman with no patience for dark evils

I did it!

2008-09-17T23:35:00.002-04:00

I graduated from school. I kicked cosmetology in the face and called it a day.

It was so great having Justin there with me to celebrate it. I had a my princess day. And I couldn't be happier that Justin was there to celebrate with me.

I know that things have been kind of crazy, because I have had to face some intense insecurities throughout this whole past year to get through school. But I am glad that I did. I feel stronger coming out on the other side.

It feels good to accomplish something and prove that I can do what some doubted I could do.

So, all you doubters can suck it. I know it's not a nice thing to say. I don't care.

People have doubted me my whole life, and anyone who does it now is not the kind of person I want in my life. I'm sick of people that assume the worst in me and don't support me when I am doing my best. I am doing the best I can, and until I give you blatant reason to tell me that I'm a screw up, you should probably be quiet. Still, you will do as you will.

And it doesn't matter anyway, because no one is going to take this accomplishment away from me.

I'm a strong woman, and I'm proud of myself! I did school on my own. No one was there to hold my hand. It was me and God tackling every day there.

AND WE DID IT!

God's Message to me last night.

2008-08-17T20:32:00.002-04:00

Isaiah 60; Romans 8:19 (New Living Translation)

Future Glory for Jerusalem
1 “Arise, Jerusalem! Let your light shine for all to see. For the glory of the Lord rises to shine on you. 2 Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth, but the glory of the Lord rises and appears over you. 3 All nations will come to your light; mighty kings will come to see your radiance.
4 “Look and see, for everyone is coming home! Your sons are coming from distant lands; your little daughters will be carried home. 5 Your eyes will shine, and your heart will thrill with joy, for merchants from around the world will come to you. They will bring you the wealth of many lands. 6 Vast caravans of camels will converge on you, the camels of Midian and Ephah. The people of Sheba will bring gold and frankincense and will come worshiping the Lord. 7 The flocks of Kedar will be given to you, and the rams of Nebaioth will be brought for my altars. I will accept their offerings, and I will make my Temple glorious.
8 “And what do I see flying like clouds to Israel, like doves to their nests? 9 They are ships from the ends of the earth, from lands that trust in me, led by the great ships of Tarshish. They are bringing the people of Israel home from far away, carrying their silver and gold. They will honor the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has filled you with splendor.
10 “Foreigners will come to rebuild your towns, and their kings will serve you. For though I have destroyed you in my anger, I will now have mercy on you through my grace. 11 Your gates will stay open around the clock to receive the wealth of many lands. The kings of the world will be led as captives in a victory procession. 12 For the nations that refuse to serve you will be destroyed.
13 “The glory of Lebanon will be yours— the forests of cypress, fir, and pine— to beautify my sanctuary. My Temple will be glorious! 14 The descendants of your tormentors will come and bow before you. Those who despised you will kiss your feet. They will call you the City of the Lord, and Zion of the Holy One of Israel.
15 “Though you were once despised and hated, with no one traveling through you, I will make you beautiful forever, a joy to all generations. 16 Powerful kings and mighty nations will satisfy your every need, as though you were a child nursing at the breast of a queen. You will know at last that I, the Lord, am your Savior and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Israel.[a] 17 I will exchange your bronze for gold, your iron for silver, your wood for bronze, and your stones for iron. I will make peace your leader and righteousness your ruler. 18 Violence will disappear from your land; the desolation and destruction of war will end. Salvation will surround you like city walls, and praise will be on the lips of all who enter there.
19 “No longer will you need the sun to shine by day, nor the moon to give its light by night, for the Lord your God will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. 20 Your sun will never set; your moon will not go down. For the Lord will be your everlasting light. Your days of mourning will come to an end. 21 All your people will be righteous. They will possess their land forever, for I will plant them there with my own hands in order to bring myself glory. 22 The smallest family will become a thousand people, and the tiniest group will become a mighty nation. At the right time, I, the Lord, will make it happen.”

Romans 8:19
19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.

View commentary related to this passage
Their hopeful prospects under tribulations.

The sufferings of the saints strike no deeper than the things of time, last no longer than the present time, are light afflictions, and but for a moment. How vastly different are the sentence of the word and the sentiment of the world, concerning the sufferings of this present time! Indeed the whole creation seems to wait with earnest expectation for the period when the children of God shall be manifested in the glory prepared for them. There is an impurity, deformity, and infirmity,
which has come upon the creature by the fall of man. There is an enmity of one creature to another. And they are used, or abused rather, by men as instruments of sin. Yet this deplorable state of the creation is in hope. God will deliver it from thus being held in bondage to man's depravity. The miseries of the human race, through their own and each other's wickedness, declare that the world is not always to continue as it is. Our having received the first-fruits of the Spirit, quickens our
desires, encourages our hopes, and raises our expectations. Sin has been, and is, the guilty cause of all the suffering that exists in the creation of God. It has brought on the woes of earth; it has kindled the flames of hell. As to man, not a tear has been shed, not a groan has been uttered, not a pang has been felt, in body or mind, that has not come from sin. This is not all; sin is to be looked at as it affects the glory of God. Of this how fearfully regardless are the bulk of mankind!
Believers have been brought into a state of safety; but their comfort consists rather in hope than in enjoyment. From this hope they cannot be turned by the vain expectation of finding satisfaction in the things of time and sense. We need patience, our way is rough and long; but He that shall come, will come, though he seems to tarry. (Ro 8:26)

Things don't magically get better.

2008-08-14T20:44:00.002-04:00

Ever. Even with the amazing power of God in your life. It's the truth. They just stay the same or get worse I feel. I have a hard time seeing things getting better right now.

I hate feeling pain. It downright sucks. And I'm sick of feeling pain because I'v efelt it constantly in my heart for most of my life even if I am laughing and telling jokes. Even then. I'm hurting under the surface. The pain doesn't go away. And believe me, with the abuse I've suffered, I know pain.

I mean, crappy things keep happening to me that are out of my control. Is Satan trying to beat me down? Is my own sin and sad excuse for a life the reason this stuff keeps happening to me? Will I ever get beyond the feeling that I'm maybe ok, but just not good enough?

The truth is: God says I'm good enough. I know this... I tell people this, but do I believe it for myself when most people most of my life have told me I would never be good enough, never amount to anything?

Am I worthy of someone saying, "Megan, I like you just the way you are."? Am I worthy of being accepted besides the fact that I came from a white trash background? I mean, no one need hold my past against me, because every day I hold it against myself.

I constantly hear my parents words of disapproval echoing in my head. Even though they were sick. Even though I would never be good enough for them. Even though I couldn't be good enough because their respective illnesses wouldn't let me.

I spent most of my life with tons of people around me, and yet I felt so miserable and emotionally abandoned. And I am sick of it. But it won't leave.

When do I get to be good enough to be loved for who I am: good, bad and ugly?

If you hear when, would you please tell me?

Ugh, I am a deep ocean of melancholy under this awesome sense of humor.

I'm humbled.

2008-06-19T14:00:00.003-04:00

You know, I've had a really hard time lately. I mean, everything is going great with school, Justin, me working on my issues with commitment and seeing through projects. But in turn, all those things are really hard. To get through this place in my life, I have to put on my strong woman pants. I have to tough things out when I don't even feel like getting out of bed in the morning. And life is hard, no matter what place you are in in your life.

Sometimes, I get this sense of entitlement for good days ahead because my life has been so hard that I get sick of fighting and being the strong one. I start yelling at God and telling him, "Where are you? Don't you even care?"

And yesterday, through a friend, he totally spoke up and said, "Meg, I hear you. I know what you're going through. I know this isn't easy, and I am here for you all the way. I will give you everything you need."

You can't put a price on that. I have such a great group of people around me here: a boyfriend who supports and loves me through it all, friends who will listen and stand behind me, and an amazing opportunity to grow and blossom from the place God has me in.

It's good. Everything is going to be okay.

I love Letters to Cleo

2008-06-04T20:46:00.003-04:00

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'll shine up my old brown shoes;
Put on a brand new shirt.
Get home early from work...
If you say that you love me.

Senioritis

2008-05-31T00:15:00.002-04:00

I am so sick of school. Really. I love it but I hate it but I love it.

I am just ready to graduate. Seriously, I really want to be doing my thing, making some money for the awesomeness that is me. I am good at this. I know I can be great with more practice. More opportunities present themselves the longer time moves on. And I am really praising God for it all.

It's been really hard working and paying bills and all that while going to school 40 hours a week. I keep getting down to points where I really think I am just going to sink financially. I am sick of the sinking feeling. Over it. Love and grace has brought me this far.

The stress of it all gets to me from time to time and I hate that so much. Sometimes I still feel like I did when I was 20. It feels often like everyone else has it so damn easy while I just struggle to keep afloat. Emotionally and physically.

Luckily I have an amazing man who loves me and reminds me often of my strength and potential.

It'a been almost a year since my dad died, and I still cry when I think of the fact that I didn't call him on his birthday last year. Sometimes I still question if he died knowing how much I loved him and prayed for him. Did he know how much I turned in hate for love? Did he even know how hard that was for me? Did he even know that though he was a ridiculously horrible drunk that used to beat my mom and then come after me, I still wanted his approval?

Daddy, I want to finish school so you can be proud of me. I know it's not college like you wanted, but it's something I love and at which I excel.

Alton Brown will always remind me of you.

I really miss you, Dad.

Buy my Justin's books!

2008-02-26T23:49:00.001-05:00

I am so proud of Justin. A published illustrator. And my favorite artist.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/103-1589823-6383816?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=justin+greathouse

Chère solitude,

2008-01-26T20:35:00.000-05:00

Je vous déteste. Vous êtes le fléau de mon existence. Vous êtes un menteur, parce que je sais la vérité. Je suis ai aimé. Vous ne me fournissez rien bon, et ainsi je vous banis de ma présence.

Sincèrement,
Mégohm

New Year With New Beginnings

2008-01-03T19:56:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to say that I am very glad that God has blessed me with all he has. I love doing what I do and I love being who I am. Things have been so stressful lately because I started cosmetology school and I am still working at the coffee shop. But I see the little things that are so great in my life: the love and support of an amazing man, the protection of an amazing God, and the peace I have in the promise that God's plan is to prosper me.

These are great things. And I am very glad for it all. Is it perfect? Not a chance. But I am learning every day the value of staying committed to one's goal. It's something I never grasped before and something that is very important for me to learn. I am also learning a lot about being in a relationship-a healthy one-that's growing.

Justin's love is something I have prayed for for a long time. All wrapped up in this cute little package. I love him dearly.

Moving right along

2007-10-23T09:46:00.000-04:00

That's what things are doing.

I'm back in Ohio now. It's good to be around people who love me, but it can be hard at times as well.

Sometimes, when you start getting your life together, people can't handle that and they say things to tear you down. Not for the concious purpose of tearing you down, but because they are reflecting their past screw-ups onto you and because you are making steps to let God make you better. Bettering yourself usually means your friends freak out because they don't want the friendship to change. And if you are bettering yourself, it has to.

Poo on that crap.

People, I came back here to pull things together and grow up a bit, something I never really committed to before but often gave lip service to. And that is good, great even. I am working on a career, which is something I didn't think was for me six months ago.

I am in a relationship with the most amazing man I've ever met. I'm in love. And that, my friends, is a miracle. Everything I grew up with and everything I thought my whole life set me up for failure in this area. But God's redeeming love and grace has tought me that I am free to love and be loved.

And that freedom keeps things moving right along.

My dad's obituary

2007-07-29T16:32:00.000-04:00

In case anyone wants to read it. I think my mom or my aunt wrote it.

http://www.legacy.com/CourierPress/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=91617298

I think it's funny the things we put into obituaries. Do these little accomplishments really matter?

This is so sad. Just when I started building a relationship with my dad, he dies.

I really will miss him.

Ministry Team verses for me

2007-07-28T14:38:00.000-04:00

The ministry team from the YWAM base prayed over me the other day and they got amazing words for me. I wanted to post them here because, in this time of grief, I need to remember who God is and what he has done for me.

Jeremiah 31: 21-22 MSG "Set up signposts to mark your trip home. Get a good map. Study the road conditions. The road out is the road back. Come back, dear virgin Israel, come back to your hometowns. How long will you flit here and there, indecisive? How long before you make up your fickle mind? God will create a new thing in this land: A transformed woman will embrace the transforming God!"

Jeremiah 31:21 NKJV "Set up signposts,
Make landmarks;
Set your heart toward the highway,
The way in which you went.
Turn back, O virgin of Israel,
Turn back to these your cities."

Jeremiah 31: 3-6 NLT "Long ago the Lord said to Israel: 'I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you, my virgin Israel.
You will again be happy and dance merrily with your tambourines. Again you will plant your vineyards on the mountains of Samaria and eat from your own gardens there.' The day will come when watchmen will shout from the hill country of Ephraim, 'Come, let us go up to Jerusalem to worship the Lord our God. ' "

2 Chronicles 9 NLT
Visit of the Queen of Sheba

1 When the queen of Sheba heard of Solomon’s fame, she came to Jerusalem to test him with hard questions. She arrived with a large group of attendants and a great caravan of camels loaded with spices, large quantities of gold, and precious jewels. When she met with Solomon, she talked with him about everything she had on her mind. 2 Solomon had answers for all her questions; nothing was too hard for him to explain to her. 3 When the queen of Sheba realized how wise Solomon was, and when she saw the palace he had built, 4 she was overwhelmed. She was also amazed at the food on his tables, the organization of his officials and their splendid clothing, the cup-bearers and their robes, and the burnt offerings Solomon made at the Temple of the Lord.
5 She exclaimed to the king, “Everything I heard in my country about your achievements and wisdom is true! 6 I didn’t believe what was said until I arrived here and saw it with my own eyes. In fact, I had not heard the half of your great wisdom! It is far beyond what I was told. 7 How happy your people must be! What a privilege for your officials to stand here day after day, listening to your wisdom! 8 Praise the Lord your God, who delights in you and has placed you on the throne as king to rule for him. Because God loves Israel and desires this kingdom to last forever, he has made you king over them so you can rule with justice and righteousness.”
9 Then she gave the king a gift of 9,000 pounds of gold, great quantities of spices, and precious jewels. Never before had there been spices as fine as those the queen of Sheba gave to King Solomon.
10 (In addition, the crews of Hiram and Solomon brought gold from Ophir, and they also brought red sandalwood and precious jewels. 11 The king used the sandalwood to make steps for the Temple of the Lord and the royal palace, and to construct lyres and harps for the musicians. Never before had such beautiful things been seen in Judah.)
12 King Solomon gave the queen of Sheba whatever she asked for—gifts of greater value than the gifts she had given him. Then she and all her attendants returned to their own land.

Three things:

Ask the hard questions
See what he has done
Expect his provision

Psalm 118 NIrV
1 Give thanks to the Lord, because he is good.
His faithful love continues forever.
2 Let the people of Israel say,
"His faithful love continues forever."
3 Let the priests of Aaron say,
"His faithful love continues forever."
4 Let those who have respect for the Lord say,
"His faithful love continues forever."
5 When I was in great pain, I cried out to the Lord.
He answered me and set me free.
6 The Lord is with me. I will not be afraid.
What can mere men do to me?
7 The Lord is with me. He helps me.
I will win the battle over my enemies.
8 It is better to go to the Lord for safety
than to trust in mere men.
9 It is better to go to the Lord for safety
than to trust in human leaders.
10 The nations were all around me.
But by the Lord's power I destroyed them.
11 They were around me on every side.
But by the Lord's power I destroyed them.
12 They attacked me like large numbers of bees.
But they died out as quickly as burning thorns.
By the Lord's power I destroyed them.
13 I was pushed back. I was about to be killed.
But the Lord helped me.
14 The Lord gives me strength. I sing about him.
He has saved me.
15 Shouts of joy ring out in the tents of godly people.
They praise him for his help in battle.
They shout, "The Lord's powerful right hand has done mighty things!
16 The Lord's powerful right hand has won the battle!
The Lord's powerful right hand has done mighty things!"
17 I will not die. I will live.
I will talk about what the Lord has done.
18 The Lord has really punished me.
But he didn't let me die.
19 Open the gates of the temple for me.
I will enter and give thanks to the Lord.
20 This is the gate of the Lord.
Only those who do what is right can go through it.
21 Lord, I will give thanks to you, because you answered me.
You have saved me.
22 The stone the builders didn't accept [what]
has become the most important stone of all.
23 The Lord has done it.
It is wonderful in our eyes.
24 The Lord has done it on this day.
Let us be joyful and glad in it.
25 Lord, save us.
Lord, give us success.
26 Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord.
From the temple of the Lord we bless you.
27 The Lord is God.
He has made the light of his favor shine on us.
Take branches in your hands. Join in the march on the day of the feast.
March up to the corners of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give thanks to you.
You are my God, and I will honor you.
29 Give thanks to the Lord, because he is good.
His faithful love continues forever.

Psalm 91 1-13You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
14-16 "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"

There was also talk about my name and what it means. God gave it to me and it is who I am.

One girl saw me wrapped in a blanket as we were praying, she said it means that God has rest for me.

Justin said it means I was a Megan burrito. :)

Thank you Jesus for speaking to me. I love you!

My dad died today.

2007-07-27T22:19:00.000-04:00

I'm sad.

I'm sad that I'm flying

2007-07-20T16:49:00.000-04:00

So, a lot has happened these past couple of weeks. I have officially decided to move back to Ohio, and the plans have begun. I received a grant from work to move back. And I am so excited! I really am praying that God would guide me to a car and a place to live back in the buckeye state.

I got word from my mom a couple of days ago that my dad has been given only a few days to live. The cancer has spread and he is really drugged up and has trouble recognizing people sometimes. They are keeping him comfortable at least.

I have been crying for two days. Off and on, but I will just randomly burst into sobs thinking about the fact that I really don't want my dad to die yet. But if it's his time to go, I can't be selfish wanting him to stay here on earth when he would be miserable.

At least Justin and I saw him when we were driving out here. I kind of knew it was going to be the last time I saw him. There's no way I can make it back to Indiana before he dies to be with him. The only money I have is from the grant and it won't even cover the move completely. I swear, I am so done with my life being like this.

Done.

God, please take care of my dad and help him to make peace with you before he dies. I trust that you will take care of him. I really need a car and a place to live when I get back to Ohio. Will you provide that for me please? I am going to need a second job to pay rent, and I would like a nannying job to work with kids again, and I am asking you to guide me to the perfect family. Just work it out, dude. I know you've got my best in mind and you'll handle it.

It's all relative

2007-07-03T19:15:00.000-04:00

So, in the past two weeks I have crashed, burned and rebuilt myself.

Colorado is beautiful. I love it here, but it's just not working out. Sometimes I hate it.

The truth is I am running myself into the ground financially. If I stay here, my friendship with Becca will be ruined. She definitely doesn't like me being here after all. We had dinner a couple of weeks ago and she basically said she doesn't think this time of us living together was as fun as the last time. Which really hurt me. I think that made me just frustrated.

And made me think, "What is my problem?" Why is all this so hard? Why is life so frickin' ridiculous?"

It has been so hard adjusting here. I mean, give a girl a break people! I am an emotional person. I 've had a few bad days, for sure. I can't deal with all of this stuff sometimes. Stuff of life.

And that's the way it is.

So Becca was gone last week, and I was in love with having the place to myself. Truthfully, I kind of missed her but I wasn't excited for her to come back. And that's when I knew something wasn't quite right.

We haven't been able to find roommates for our apartment. We've been sharing a car and being together all the time. Which shouldn't be that much of a problem considering our friendship is so awesome. But it has been. A problem.

She said that she felt like she couldn't hang out with her friends without asking me to come along. I promptly told her that's not my problem cause I never put that expectation on her. Besides, I had said 'no' on some occasions to hanging out so I didn't really think that was fair cause she made that up on her own.

But I see how her life is going right now and I understand why she feels the way she does about me being here. She's just starting to build a life of her own and she is trying to find her way in the world. So, me being here from her old life in Ohio has been hard on her I think. I kind of understand because when my friend Lindsey moved to Ohio I remember it being hard on me because it was like my two lives were colliding. It was very tense at times.

Anyway, things have just been hard. But things with Justin and I have been amazing. He is quickly becoming the best friend I have. I can't believe we have grown so close in such a short amount of time. But I am so thankful for it.

And I have decided that if I am going to struggle this much in life. I am doing this crap and that's the way it is, then I want to do it where I can be near him. He's the one thing in my life not stressing me out right now. And I want to see where this relationship goes. I want to see what happens. I want to fight with him, make up with him, laugh with him and get to know him better.

I can't believe I spent all that time in the same city as him, sometimes living less than a mile from each other and not knowing it, and I didn't see how important he could become in my life. How important he is. We met last fall and didn't hang out for a long time. I had my "I'm going to be single for the rest of my life" pants on. And I had a crush or whatever on another guy in our group who was completely wrong for me. Ugh.

I'm really wierd.

But at least now I realize how dumb I was being.

So over the quarter life crisis bullcrap.

Get ready Ohio. Somehow I am coming back to you.

Yes, I am a natural blue

2007-06-22T22:15:00.000-04:00

So, I really don't know what I am doing with my life, and I think I would have figured it out by now. But I haven't.

Waiting on God is hard, but I feel it's the season I am in.

I don't always love my job, but I do love the people I work with.

I feel like I am in the middle of a mid-life crisis some days.

I am not sure if what I thought God called me to is what he really called me to or if it was just me wanting to do what I want.

I know that God loves me, but at times I feel like he has forgotten me.

Adjusting is hard. I do not love Coloradoans much. I have to be honest. But I love my YWAM friends and I love the encouragement that I receive here.

I wonder what is next.

I know God has me here to keep my commitments. And that is hard.

I am learning a lot. It's just the school of hard knocks somedays.

Beauty is beauty is beauty

2007-06-16T03:19:00.000-04:00

I love that I am free.

Being free is beautiful.

Being free with Jus is amazing.

I really miss him.

Sometimes I cry because I miss him so much.

I'm pathetic, I know, but it's the way it is.

Perpetually Perpetual

2007-06-09T05:11:00.000-04:00

I feel like I am constantly waiting for my life to start. It's like it never gets going. Like it never gets "there". But where is "there" anyway? It's the wierdest thing. I feel like I am in a perpetual state of waiting on God. I am constantly waiting on him to guide my dreams into reality, and it seems every time he gets through on one thing, I add two or three more to the list. I am constantly dreaming radical dreams. But it is the heart that God has given me for life.

I don't want an ordinary existence. I am no ordinary woman. I am so afraid of doing what I have seen so many other women do, what my mom did. Settling. I refuse. So lame. So not what God wants. But what I have realized is that this gift that is before me is not settling. It is sacrificing. Sometimes, God calls us to sacrifice our dreams to him so that he can make them into something more beautiful than we could ever imagine.

And this love is going to make me or break me, cause I have never had it before. Or at the very least realized it before.

But I do love and I do care. And my heart is full of so much that I can't even put into words, but I know that God wants me to share it with others.

I am an unbridled stallion. And a bird with a broken wing. God has had to do major surgery on me these past few years. I am a testimony of his healing power.

I am a walking miracle.

The fact that I can even love right now is a miracle.

And I do. Love, that is.

I just hope that I am doing the right thing and making the right choices about my attitude, because I know nothing about being in a romantic relationship. I really don't. But I know that God will guide me because my heart is open to learning.

And I can't think of anyone I'd rather learn with than Jus. He's neato.

Between you and me, I'm still not sure I deserve him. But I will roll with this awesomeness. Because it warms my heart and makes me realize that I need to trust more.

And I do. Trust, that is.

Life is beautiful and hard and simple and complicated all at the same time.

Fun times in Kansas

2007-06-03T13:38:00.000-04:00

Erin would kill me if she knew I posted this!

At Chelsea's reception

2007-06-03T13:34:00.001-04:00

On a boat.

When God blesses, you don't argue

2007-05-17T13:16:00.000-04:00

Maybe you don't think you deserve it. Maybe you think he's crazy and this awesomeness should be given to someone else, but you don't argue. I mean, I'm not sure I deserve this. I really am not sure. But dude, I am going to take it, enjoy it, and well... Run with it.

Spending time with someone you care about is really fun. Makes me laugh. Makes me smile. Makes me happy.

God is really faithful when one is obedient.

Life is crazy. And beautiful.

I am a giddy little girl. It's so good to get a hug from someone that thinks you're cute.

Who am I?!

(o:

Ten of them?

2007-05-17T02:25:00.001-04:00

You bet. And they're all for you Chad and Crit. I missed you guys! Hee hee.

What goes around comes... Eck. Whatev.

2007-05-10T23:51:00.000-04:00

Still haven't been able to catch my manager, but I did get to talk to my store manager. I'll get the chance hopefully soon. But I don't know how to explain to people sometimes that I am frustrated with how they handle things. I don't know. It's complicated. And yet simple too.

My friends and I are watching the movie "The Queen" and I have to say that I love British culture. I remember when Princes Di was killed and I remember how wierd it was. The movie is just intense here right now because the royal family just got the news in the movie.

I got the job at the preschool but I am still praying about whether to take it full time and pass on the massive hours at the coffee shop. Or to do both part time or what the deal is. I am just still not sure.

Becca and I are still sharing a car. Pray that we can find another one soon. We also need some more roommates. One or two if need be. Cause the condo we are renting has two bedrooms and we moved in after having two roommates back out on us in three days. We both really felt and so did our friends who are renting it to us, that this was to be our place and that God would provide for us. Funny how much God has me going on faith right now. My whole freaking life is that way. I can't think of one aspect of my life that is concrete. Just funny.

I guess my age is concrete.

Faith. It keeps getting a whole new meaning for me as life goes on.

Today in Colorado

2007-05-03T20:14:00.000-04:00

Being a grown up sucks sometimes because you have to have grown up conversations about feelings. And sometimes my feelings get hurt and I just have to own up and talk to the person that hurt me. It's not easy, but welcome to the game of life. If only I could catch my manager at work to tell her how my feelings got hurt and why what she said made me a little upset to say the least. I just want to talk to her about it. And I hope she receives it well. And I hope that my words are spoken with wisdom and love. Pray for me about that? Thanks.

Um, I have a job interview tomorrow to do a pre-school summer camp at a church about 25-30 mins away from here. I met the lady who runs the place the other day and she really wants to hire me. The board of directors wants to interview me tomorrow. So... Yay!

Ch ch ch ch changin'

2007-05-02T18:19:00.000-04:00

So, I am getting settled in Colorado. It is kind of crazy, but Becca and I found a place to rent with a friend of hers, but once we read the lease it seems off. So, we are going to meet with the landlords tonight and see what they think about the issues we have. It's not really a big deal. But luckily where we live now is cool. The wife of the family that owns the house where we are staying is a lawyer. She actually worked for John Ashcroft back in the day when he was working toward the presdiency. I was actually impressed with that, and she and I have talked politics quite a few times. I am pretty excited to see what God does with this lease thing. If all else fails, we can totally rent an apartment or something.

Uh, in other news, I am really excited that God is faithful. I have been talking to a guy friend from Ohio. We both really like each other, and things have been really great since I moved out here. We were both really scared when I was back in Ohio and acted like goofy little wussies. It was wierd, but now we are both really opening up and getting to know each other better. He asked me to come meet his family at his grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party and then he is driving out here to hang out for a mountain vaca. And I am so excited to see him face to face after we have talked so much about what we both want out of life. And I think this relationship is really good. We have both been praying for each other and I think that God is showing me much about what has been messed up about my interactions with men in the past. No. I know it. And the funny thing is we have been talking about how we've been hurt in the past and the decisions we've made and all that. I have no idea what will happen and no idea what we will do if things get really serious. But, hey, I think he's worth the risk. He's fun. We laugh a lot. He makes me want to get my crap together and let God run my life more. Not saying that is easy, but hey... Sometimes, you just gotta roll with things.

Meg's CO adventure pt-5

2007-04-06T14:17:00.001-04:00

Why are we stopped? We havent showered in 2 days. Are we there yet? Somebody get us off this frickin' train!

Meg's CO adventure pt-4

2007-04-06T14:16:00.001-04:00

Bored on the 24 hour train ride.

Meg's CO adventure pt-3

2007-04-06T14:14:00.001-04:00

Asleep waiting for the train...

Meg's CO adventure pt-2

2007-04-06T14:12:00.000-04:00

Pretty Ohio skyline

Meg's CO adventure pt-1

2007-04-06T00:20:00.001-04:00

Going to the Cleave

I'm leavin' on a rail train...

2007-03-28T01:44:00.000-04:00

So, Becca and I are riding an Amtrak from Cleveland to Chicago to Denver. Cheap. Fantastic. And awesome. And fun!

Life is an adventure. And I am excited to be a part of it.

It's a long story, but renting a vehicle was way more expensive than what I planned on. And I didn't think things would be as complicated as they were to move when I just spent the past year selling everything I own except for necessities. Sometimes I wish my brain worked differently or I would think of things differently. Or that I had an amazing amount of logic. Or any amount of capacity for planning. Because my planning was the suck this go round.

I did not think ahead very well and had to spend the last couple of days on an amzingly high stress level, ready to snap on anyone that pissed me off. But hey. It all worked out in the end. And Becca and I are both excited to hang out and have fun together. And rock the rail.

I can carry an amazing amount of luggage on a train. But still not all of my stuff, so I will have to--I don't want to say it. Get a storage space. Eck. I think the apocalypse is coming. Now I have to rethink my packing strategy, because I did have one of those. But now it's gone. Kaput.

Ugh. Moving.

But--

Ahhhhhhh. Denver.

I am coming, my love. My dearest. My mountains.

My Secret Addiction

2007-03-27T01:54:00.000-04:00

Personality tests.

I was a little punch drunk.

2007-03-27T00:39:00.001-04:00

Yeah I was.

I heart Buca di Beppo.

2007-03-25T23:45:00.001-04:00

There's nothing like spaghetti and meatballs, chocolate cake and a lot of laughs!

Last dinner at Buca di Beppo!

2007-03-25T23:24:00.001-04:00

Co-workers (and one's boyfriend) are such a blessing!

Choices

2007-03-16T02:22:00.000-04:00

When given the choice between hurting now some and hurting lots a little later, I think I will choose hurt now and hope for the best.

Things not being easy is a good thing. Normal even.

2007-03-13T22:33:00.000-04:00

Phil 3: 18-21 (New Living Translation)
For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. Their future is eternal destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and all they think about is this life here on earth. But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. He will take these weak mortal bodies of ours and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same mighty power that he will use to conquer everything, everywhere.

Phil 3 (The Message)
18-19 There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I've warned you of them many times; sadly, I'm having to do it again. All they want is easy street. They hate Christ's Cross. But easy street is a dead-end street. Those who live there make their bellies their gods; belches are their praise; all they can think of is their appetites.

20-21 But there's far more to life for us. We're citizens of high heaven! We're waiting the arrival of the Savior, the Master, Jesus Christ, who will transform our earthy bodies into glorious bodies like his own. He'll make us beautiful and whole with the same powerful skill by which he is putting everything as it should be, under and around him.

This is my namesake: I am nothing if not loyal

2007-03-12T23:44:00.000-04:00

Ruth 1

Elimelech Moves His Family to Moab

1 In the days when the judges ruled in Israel, a severe famine came upon the land. So a man from Bethlehem in Judah left his home and went to live in the country of Moab, taking his wife and two sons with him. 2 The man’s name was Elimelech, and his wife was Naomi. Their two sons were Mahlon and Kilion. They were Ephrathites from Bethlehem in the land of Judah. And when they reached Moab, they settled there.

3 Then Elimelech died, and Naomi was left with her two sons. 4 The two sons married Moabite women. One married a woman named Orpah, and the other a woman named Ruth. But about ten years later, 5 both Mahlon and Kilion died. This left Naomi alone, without her two sons or her husband.

Naomi and Ruth Return

6 Then Naomi heard in Moab that the Lord had blessed his people in Judah by giving them good crops again. So Naomi and her daughters-in-law got ready to leave Moab to return to her homeland. 7 With her two daughters-in-law she set out from the place where she had been living, and they took the road that would lead them back to Judah.

8 But on the way, Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, “Go back to your mothers’ homes. And may the Lord reward you for your kindness to your husbands and to me. 9 May the Lord bless you with the security of another marriage.” Then she kissed them good-bye, and they all broke down and wept.

10 “No,” they said. “We want to go with you to your people.”

11 But Naomi replied, “Why should you go on with me? Can I still give birth to other sons who could grow up to be your husbands? 12 No, my daughters, return to your parents’ homes, for I am too old to marry again. And even if it were possible, and I were to get married tonight and bear sons, then what? 13 Would you wait for them to grow up and refuse to marry someone else? No, of course not, my daughters! Things are far more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord himself has raised his fist against me.”

14 And again they wept together, and Orpah kissed her mother-in-law good-bye. But Ruth clung tightly to Naomi. 15 “Look,” Naomi said to her, “your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to her gods. You should do the same.”

16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. 17 Wherever you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!” 18 When Naomi saw that Ruth was determined to go with her, she said nothing more.

19 So the two of them continued on their journey. When they came to Bethlehem, the entire town was excited by their arrival. “Is it really Naomi?” the women asked.

20 “Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara,^[a] for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me. 21 I went away full, but the Lord has brought me home empty. Why call me Naomi when the Lord has caused me to suffer^[b] and the Almighty has sent such tragedy upon me?”

22 So Naomi returned from Moab, accompanied by her daughter-in-law Ruth, the young Moabite woman. They arrived in Bethlehem in late spring, at the beginning of the barley harvest.

Ruth 2

Ruth Works in Boaz’s Field

1 Now there was a wealthy and influential man in Bethlehem named Boaz, who was a relative of Naomi’s husband, Elimelech.

2 One day Ruth the Moabite said to Naomi, “Let me go out into the harvest fields to pick up the stalks of grain left behind by anyone who is kind enough to let me do it.”

Naomi replied, “All right, my daughter, go ahead.” 3 So Ruth went out to gather grain behind the harvesters. And as it happened, she found herself working in a field that belonged to Boaz, the relative of her father-in-law, Elimelech.

4 While she was there, Boaz arrived from Bethlehem and greeted the harvesters. “The Lord be with you!” he said.

“The Lord bless you!” the harvesters replied.

5 Then Boaz asked his foreman, “Who is that young woman over there? Who does she belong to?”

6 And the foreman replied, “She is the young woman from Moab who came back with Naomi. 7 She asked me this morning if she could gather grain behind the harvesters. She has been hard at work ever since, except for a few minutes’ rest in the shelter.”

8 Boaz went over and said to Ruth, “Listen, my daughter. Stay right here with us when you gather grain; don’t go to any other fields. Stay right behind the young women working in my field. 9 See which part of the field they are harvesting, and then follow them. I have warned the young men not to treat you roughly. And when you are thirsty, help yourself to the water they have drawn from the well.”

10 Ruth fell at his feet and thanked him warmly. “What have I done to deserve such kindness?” she asked. “I am only a foreigner.”

11 “Yes, I know,” Boaz replied. “But I also know about everything you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband. I have heard how you left your father and mother and your own land to live here among complete strangers. 12 May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.”

13 “I hope I continue to please you, sir,” she replied. “You have comforted me by speaking so kindly to me, even though I am not one of your workers.”

14 At mealtime Boaz called to her, “Come over here, and help yourself to some food. You can dip your bread in the sour wine.” So she sat with his harvesters, and Boaz gave her some roasted grain to eat. She ate all she wanted and still had some left over.

15 When Ruth went back to work again, Boaz ordered his young men, “Let her gather grain right among the sheaves without stopping her. 16 And pull out some heads of barley from the bundles and drop them on purpose for her. Let her pick them up, and don’t give her a hard time!”

17 So Ruth gathered barley there all day, and when she beat out the grain that evening, it filled an entire basket.^[c] 18 She carried it back into town and showed it to her mother-in-law. Ruth also gave her the roasted grain that was left over from her meal.

19 “Where did you gather all this grain today?” Naomi asked. “Where did you work? May the Lord bless the one who helped you!”

So Ruth told her mother-in-law about the man in whose field she had worked. She said, “The man I worked with today is named Boaz.”

20 “May the Lord bless him!” Naomi told her daughter-in-law. “He is showing his kindness to us as well as to your dead husband.^[d] That man is one of our closest relatives, one of our family redeemers.”

21 Then Ruth^[e] said, “What’s more, Boaz even told me to come back and stay with his harvesters until the entire harvest is completed.”

22 “Good!” Naomi exclaimed. “Do as he said, my daughter. Stay with his young women right through the whole harvest. You might be harassed in other fields, but you’ll be safe with him.”

23 So Ruth worked alongside the women in Boaz’s fields and gathered grain with them until the end of the barley harvest. Then she continued working with them through the wheat harvest in early summer. And all the while she lived with her mother-in-law.

Ruth 3

Ruth at the Threshing Floor

1 One day Naomi said to Ruth, “My daughter, it’s time that I found a permanent home for you, so that you will be provided for. 2 Boaz is a close relative of ours, and he’s been very kind by letting you gather grain with his young women. Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the threshing floor. 3 Now do as I tell you—take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking. 4 Be sure to notice where he lies down; then go and uncover his feet and lie down there. He will tell you what to do.”

5 “I will do everything you say,” Ruth replied. 6 So she went down to the threshing floor that night and followed the instructions of her mother-in-law.

7 After Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits, he lay down at the far end of the pile of grain and went to sleep. Then Ruth came quietly, uncovered his feet, and lay down. 8 Around midnight Boaz suddenly woke up and turned over. He was surprised to find a woman lying at his feet! 9 “Who are you?” he asked.

“I am your servant Ruth,” she replied. “Spread the corner of your covering over me, for you are my family redeemer.”

10 “The Lord bless you, my daughter!” Boaz exclaimed. “You are showing even more family loyalty now than you did before, for you have not gone after a younger man, whether rich or poor. 11 Now don’t worry about a thing, my daughter. I will do what is necessary, for everyone in town knows you are a virtuous woman. 12 But while it’s true that I am one of your family redeemers, there is another man who is more closely related to you than I am. 13 Stay here tonight, and in the morning I will talk to him. If he is willing to redeem you, very well. Let him marry you. But if he is not willing, then as surely as the Lord lives, I will redeem you myself! Now lie down here until morning.”

14 So Ruth lay at Boaz’s feet until the morning, but she got up before it was light enough for people to recognize each other. For Boaz had said, “No one must know that a woman was here at the threshing floor.” 15 Then Boaz said to her, “Bring your cloak and spread it out.” He measured six scoops^[f] of barley into the cloak and placed it on her back. Then he^[g] returned to the town.

16 When Ruth went back to her mother-in-law, Naomi asked, “What happened, my daughter?”

Ruth told Naomi everything Boaz had done for her, 17 and she added, “He gave me these six scoops of barley and said, ‘Don’t go back to your mother-in-law empty-handed.’”

18 Then Naomi said to her, “Just be patient, my daughter, until we hear what happens. The man won’t rest until he has settled things today.”

Ruth 4

Boaz Marries Ruth

1 Boaz went to the town gate and took a seat there. Just then the family redeemer he had mentioned came by, so Boaz called out to him, “Come over here and sit down, friend. I want to talk to you.” So they sat down together. 2 Then Boaz called ten leaders from the town and asked them to sit as witnesses. 3 And Boaz said to the family redeemer, “You know Naomi, who came back from Moab. She is selling the land that belonged to our relative Elimelech. 4 I thought I should speak to you about it so that you can redeem it if you wish. If you want the land, then buy it here in the presence of these witnesses. But if you don’t want it, let me know right away, because I am next in line to redeem it after you.”

The man replied, “All right, I’ll redeem it.”

5 Then Boaz told him, “Of course, your purchase of the land from Naomi also requires that you marry Ruth, the Moabite widow. That way she can have children who will carry on her husband’s name and keep the land in the family.”

6 “Then I can’t redeem it,” the family redeemer replied, “because this might endanger my own estate. You redeem the land; I cannot do it.”

7 Now in those days it was the custom in Israel for anyone transferring a right of purchase to remove his sandal and hand it to the other party. This publicly validated the transaction. 8 So the other family redeemer drew off his sandal as he said to Boaz, “You buy the land.”

9 Then Boaz said to the elders and to the crowd standing around, “You are witnesses that today I have bought from Naomi all the property of Elimelech, Kilion, and Mahlon. 10 And with the land I have acquired Ruth, the Moabite widow of Mahlon, to be my wife. This way she can have a son to carry on the family name of her dead husband and to inherit the family property here in his hometown. You are all witnesses today.”

11 Then the elders and all the people standing in the gate replied, “We are witnesses! May the Lord make this woman who is coming into your home like Rachel and Leah, from whom all the nation of Israel descended! May you prosper in Ephrathah and be famous in Bethlehem. 12 And may the Lord give you descendants by this young woman who will be like those of our ancestor Perez, the son of Tamar and Judah.”

The Descendants of Boaz

13 So Boaz took Ruth into his home, and she became his wife. When he slept with her, the Lord enabled her to become pregnant, and she gave birth to a son. 14 Then the women of the town said to Naomi, “Praise the Lord, who has now provided a redeemer for your family! May this child be famous in Israel. 15 May he restore your youth and care for you in your old age. For he is the son of your daughter-in-law who loves you and has been better to you than seven sons!”

16 Naomi took the baby and cuddled him to her breast. And she cared for him as if he were her own. 17 The neighbor women said, “Now at last Naomi has a son again!” And they named him Obed. He became the father of Jesse and the grandfather of David.

18 This is the genealogical record of their ancestor Perez:

Perez was the father of Hezron.
19 Hezron was the father of Ram.
Ram was the father of Amminadab.
20 Amminadab was the father of Nahshon.
Nahshon was the father of Salmon.^[h]
21 Salmon was the father of Boaz.
Boaz was the father of Obed.
22 Obed was the father of Jesse.
Jesse was the father of David.

A breath of fresh air.

2007-03-08T16:02:00.000-05:00

"...what makes authentic disciples is not visions, ecstasies, biblical mastery of chapter and verse, or spectacular sucess in the ministry, but a capacity for faithfulness. Buffeted by the fickle winds of failure, battered by their own unruly emotions, and bruised by rejection and ridicule, authentic disciples may have stumbled and frequently fallen, endured lapses and relapses, gotten handcuffed to fleshpots, and wandered into a far country. Yet they kept coming back to Jesus."

Dudeology

2007-03-04T03:25:00.000-05:00

Dear men,

I just don't get you, and I wonder sometimes if you have cooties. But it's cool.

We can still "kick it like Tae Bo."

Love.
Meg.

Go ahead. What else are you going to do?

2007-02-23T15:29:00.000-05:00

Create your own Friend Quiz here

Yay for new haircuts!

2007-02-19T22:24:00.001-05:00

Cute huh?

2007-02-19T13:04:00.001-05:00

I got an awesome new cut!

It bothers me when...

2007-02-16T00:05:00.000-05:00

the only compliments from people I get are "You have totally lost weight", "You look so waify", and my favorite "You look so hot now."

Now?

Muthawhat?! I always bring the hotness. Straight up.

Betta recognize.

No seriously. It does bother me. I mean, sure I like being complimented. Every woman likes to feel beautiful.

But compliment me on something else too. Okay? Cause if all I hear from you is how I look, it just makes me feel... cheap.

Listen.

2007-02-15T14:16:00.000-05:00

2007-02-10T01:26:00.001-05:00

Bored yet?

2007-02-10T01:21:00.001-05:00

Me again.

2007-02-10T01:15:00.001-05:00

2007-02-10T01:12:00.000-05:00

I am doing my usual giggle...

Spoken For

2007-02-09T00:18:00.000-05:00

As I was driving home tonight, I heard a song on the radio and the song was titled "Spoken For." Here's some of the lyrics:

Covered by your love divine

Child of the risen Lord

To hear you say "This one's mine"

My heart is spoken for

By the power of the cross

You've taken what was lost

And made it fully yours

And I have been redeemed

By you that spoke to me

Now I am spoken for

Anyway, it got me to thinking...

If Jesus paid the price for me, and I am really “spoken for” by him, I can't just go around giving my heart away.

In the olden days, if a woman was spoken for, no man best touch dat.

When Joseph was just engaged to Mary and he found out she was pregnant, he was going to have to divorce her. They weren’t even married yet.

My heart is his (God’s) until he deems it the right time to give it to another man.

See, I have spent so much time giving my heart to men that weren't worthy of it.

When I dated John, the guy from Seattle, I was really lonely and I let him have my heart even though we were so not right for each other.

After that relationship, I know what it is like to be used. And thrown away because the guy didn’t get what he wanted.

That sucked.

But see, I have stopped giving my heart away like that. Even with Ben last year, I didn’t give him my heart. I liked him. I let him pursue me. Told him I loved him. We talked about marriage and he supposedly put a down payment on a ring.

But my heart? I’m not sure he got that. And I never got a ring… I hope he got his money back.

No one should have my heart until the time is right.

I don’t want to go giving away something that isn’t mine to give away. My heart is in Jesus’ hands now; I know I can trust him with it.

So I will.

Oh, it’s gonna be hard to trust him. But tonight in the car, I felt him really speaking to me about this matter.

Preparing? Warning? What?

We shall see.

Check it out.

2007-02-07T18:40:00.001-05:00

New hair and a smug smile.

Shibibble Flazzle.

2007-02-02T01:54:00.000-05:00

It's 2am, and I am chillin' in the basement with Chad. Well, I am online looking at stuff: jobs in Colorado, emails, and friends' profiles on myspace. Sophie was in here earlier meowing and wanting attention. It smells like fresh laundry, or dryer sheets, because the laundry room is down here and coffee because I am still in my work clothes. I just drank a half coffee cup of flat Mountain Dew (not Diet, cause Chad would kick my butt if I even touched his Diet Mountain Dew bottles.) and I am listening to him clicking on things on his computer screen and the soundcard causing beeps to flow out of the speakers. ( I don't care if that was the correct explanation. Work with me.) He is listening to some geekery radio show that makes me laugh. A plethora of empty 2-litre pop bottles parades out of the wire trash can, and looking at it, I laugh to myself. He and I both are stupid addicted to caffeine. I think of Christy and how adorable she looked tonight, walking around half asleep and ready for bed. I want to go to bed, but I know if I did, I would just lay there awake for two hours. And giving up in exasperation, I would just end up reading one of my psychobabble books about being the child of an alcoholic. Those seem to put me to sleep. Some of what the books say are good, but I just don't feel like reading anything like that tonight. I wonder what I am going to wear to "The Intranational Day of Pretense" celebration here on Saturday night. Any pretentious suggestions??

Meg, derivative of Megan

2007-01-30T23:19:00.000-05:00

Irish in origin, meaning "pearl"

Matthew 13:45-46

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it."

I like to picture my Jesus as a man so in love with me that he would give up anything to be near me, anything to hold me, anything to hear my voice.

Defense! (Clap - Clap) Defense! (Clap - Clap)

2007-01-30T02:35:00.000-05:00

I think it's so funny how with one phrase or word a discussion can quickly turn to an argument where one or both parties get defensive and then just as quickly turn back to a discussion and then fizzle into normalcy.

A lot (quite a few; enough to make note of...) of the conversations I have had with people recently have followed this pattern. And while I am still processing all of it (some, enough, nearly all) I can say this for sure:

I have some very passionate friends.

Side note on self into fervent prayer for father

2007-01-24T22:34:00.000-05:00

I have no freaking idea what I'm doing. If I have ever put off that image, I was not intending to do so. I am kind of scared to death about what's next. Kind of? No. That's not the truth. I am making a leap of faith here, and I know it's not going to be easy. I am scared. Period. And I'm not getting much reaction from people when I tell them what's going on in my life. And I don't think it's because they don't care. I just think they don't know what to say. And I think they know they don't have to say anything. At least I hope they know. But at the same time... say something. Please don't just ignore the fact that I just spoke.

Sigh.

Your decisions impact me, whether you realize it or not, Tom Perkins. What you have done has hurt my little six year old self all over again. And that sucks. But it's not important. What is important is the fact that you have spent your life rejecting God over and over again. But he never rejected you! He died for you! He loves you! Can't you see that by me doing and saying what I did, God was speaking to you and holding your hand in intensive care? All those days I was near you this summer. In the hospital watching cooking shows, Jesus was right there. In me. In your midst. Did you even notice? Please think about it and notice. Notice him. I don't care about me. I don't care whether you ever notice me as long as you notice him. Then I will be okay. Just please make peace with God before you die. Okay? Please. He's so close. He's right there. Don't you see him? He's crying. He's crying 5,000 tears for every one of yours. And he's touching your face. Feel that warmth on your face that makes your belly jump? Your heart race? That's him. He came all that way to be with you. You are not alone! He does have time for you. He makes time for you. He's there to listen. So talk to him. I don't care if you can't physically talk. Talk! In Jesus name, you have a voice right now. Your stoma is healed so you can speak to him. Speak. Speak to God. Tell him, dad. Tell him you don't reject his love anymore. Please dad. Make peace? Not for anyone else. Do one good thing for you. This is you doing something good for yourself. Please listen to his call. He's calling you not to waste your last days. They can be turned for good. Do not go out in a whirlwind of hate and anger, but with peace and love in the name of Jesus. Peace that passes all understanding. It's there. Reach out and take it. It's free. Put away your money. You are not alone.

God says to you out of the chapter of Isaiah, "Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near." (55:6) and "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock Eternal." (26:4)

The lord is near to you dad. He is so near.

I will trust in the Lord forever. I trust God won't let you die dad until you have made peace with him.

May God's loving conviction and judgement fall on anyone that does not put your spirit first in their thoughts and prayers until your last breath dad.

God is not too busy for you! That's a lie from Satan and I rebuke that lie in the name of Jesus.

God has time for you. God loves you.

It's simple truth dad. And I pray your eyes be opened. Please see and comprehend what is in front of your eyes.

I want to see you again someday. Without a bottle of Jim Beam in your hand.

I want to see the light of Jesus in your eyes.

I love you dad.

I will remember the good times, okay?

New revelation

2007-01-16T13:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I mean, I think it is possible to totally be pure when you get married. I just most people make the choice to cave.

Life is about choices.

And I don't know what choice I will make when in that position. Sure, I hope it's the one that keeps me focused and not caught up in emotions and passion of the moment.

But that's never really been my pattern or my best attribute.

I guess for me, if I ended up doing something physically with a guy that I did before Jesus was so prevalent in my life, it would be as if he had never come in. As if he had never done anything to change me. That's where I am coming from. I have done some things in my past I am not proud of. After the past few years of seeking peace and working so hard to forgive myself for being so caught up in wanting to feel loved and letting that drive me to make bad decisions with men, I hope that now I would exude the fruit of the spirit which includes self-control.

But what I say about decisions I will make in the future is based just as much on theory as it is experience.

So, basically, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Je t'adore.

2007-01-14T00:40:00.000-05:00

I have found out so many things about dating and pre-wedding relationships. Probably more than I ever wanted to know. But at the same time things I guess I'll need to know someday.

I am really doubting the fact that anyone can be completely pure before getting married. I mean, seriously, I imagine that when you are really in love with someone like that it's quite hard to ignore your passion for each other. And I'm sure that attraction and connection is really intense, especially after being engaged. I'm just saying... Seriously, the people that I thought were the strongest spiritual men and women have told me that before their wedding they were not "snow white" when they got married.

Which is funny to me.

Maybe the standard that I thought God had placed for me to follow is just something that I heard a pastor say that sounded good. Cause from what I have heard some of my friends say, things get pretty intense. Even my second mom was telling me that loving someone is really intense when dating and especially after being engaged.

And after hearing some stories, I know for sure that I have no idea what being in love is like. No idea at all.

I know what it's like to really care for someone and even though everything logical in you says, "What are you doing? Now's not the time. You're not ready to date or be involved with anyone!" you still are interested and think that person is worth the risk and want to chance spending more time together. I know what that is like. But that doesn't compare.

And part of me feels kinda weird like I should know what being in love is like. I feel kind of lame that I don't know love in that way. I mean, I'll be 28 in May. I'm a grown woman. But I also haven't been married before. The only dating I've done post giving my life back to Christ has been Ben. Who told me he struggled with homosexuality on a regular basis.

I think I am still seeing the repercussions of that relationship in how I deal with men now.

In a way, I am kind of glad that I haven't known being in love before. Because the man I choose to love will be the first man I've ever loved. I can fall for him completely and without abandon.

And that will be complicated and simple and beautiful and a lot of work all at the same time.

The Answer to Life's Hardest Question:

2007-01-10T17:10:00.000-05:00

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		95%
Wonder Woman		68%
Superman		65%
Hulk		65%
Iron Man		60%
Catwoman		55%
Green Lantern		55%
Robin		48%
Supergirl		43%
The Flash		40%
Batman		40%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

These results are really funny to me. Hilarious. But only one person knows why.

Wedding One: Check. Wedding Two: Commence.

2007-01-09T16:17:00.000-05:00

How can you tell you're in your twenties? When you have more than one wedding a quarter to attend.

Good food. Good laughs. And two people experiencing a union that was "randomly" begun by a "chance" meeting in life. It's a good time.

I had a great weekend this past weekend. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and my friend Abby looked gorgeous. Ryan was glowing and looked absolutely handsome in his black suit.

I got to see many of my friends from DTS. Which I needed to see. I needed to see their smiling faces and hear their updates on life. I needed their embrace and their lended ears. There is an undeniable bond between all of us that probably no one outside will understand. We talked a lot about all of the fun stuff that happened during our times in Colorado, South Africa and Mexico. We recounted story after story and laugh after laugh. It was a great time.

I realized that I love these people. So very much. More than ever. It was so great talking to them. Each person was there for a reason. I could feel it. I felt God so close to me during this weekend.

I had a chance to really talk to people about what was going on in my life. I could totally be myself. I could totally open up and say what was on my mind. I could say the dumbest thing ever and get reprimanded for the lie I was believing and set straight on what God was saying.

At one point, I admitted that I didn't like being me. And I was going to counseling for answers on how to stop being so weird or neurotic or whatever. My friend Abbie was like, "Megan, you're not going to get those kind of answers from counseling. If that's what you are going there for, you are going for the wrong reasons. And I have no problem telling you that." And I knew in my spirit she was right.

I have been trying to stop me from being me all this time back here in Ohio. And I don't really know why. I am not even sure what I thought. All I know is I do have to be myself, while showing grace to those around me. I am not very good at that when I am caught up in my own pain. And I have been caught up in my own pain for awhile now.

I am done with all that.

I like being me! Who else can I be? Who else could be as goofy and serious all in one person? Me. That's who.

And forget my insecurity about being misunderstood. I gotta get over that. People may not understand me, and I have to be okay with that. I can't control others and make them do and think what I want them to. Although sometimes I have to admit that life would be a bit easier if I could make everyone my little robot droid people.

But what's the fun in that?

I just need to get my bearings back. I need to take a breath and realize that there is so much love and beauty that surrounds me every day. And that starts now.

I have six friends that found love and chose to celebrate it and seal it within the first few months of this year and that is really awesome. Funny. And crazy. And hilarious at times. But still so awesome. I mean, we are all just people roaming around on this planet and we "happen" to bump into each other and see that life would be better with this person in it. How weird and wonderful and not by chance at all is that?

It's totally God. Getting us to slow down and recognize that we don't have to do everything alone. But we can choose to open up and let love in and give love to someone else and see the beauty of something God joins together.

Life is crazy like that.

Bring on the weddings. I've got on my dancin' shoes.

And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street.

2007-01-01T02:55:00.000-05:00

The past year has come and gone and I can hardly believe it! My life has changed so much over the past few months, as have I. And I am sitting here, late as it may be, wondering what the next year will bring. I have had more love surround me this year and keep me from completely falling apart than I ever thought possible. It humbles me. So do my innane mistakes. Sometimes I find myself acting like a four year old and I can hardly stand myself. But, it happens. I can't be too hard on myself either. Growth is a process, not an event.

Love is an event and the recognition of such event is a process. Interesting.

So, last night a friend of mine was telling me his new year's resolutions. And I was really impressed by the sense that he was planning them. He was planning things to better himself. And we talked about how lame the whole tradition of resolutions can be, but how he still thought it important to think about them, wanting to see each one through to actualization in his life.

And it got me to thinking about my life and my resolutions to change. And the changes I need to make in myself. I mean, how well have I been stacking up to the ideas I had for things to do when I was moving back here? Bad habits to tackle. And overwhelming as the feeling was, I decided to think about them. I decided to think it through. After much deliberation, I came up with these five things, knowing there is actually much more I need to work on.

Resolution one: Attend counseling sessions and begin to work through the abuse of my past.

Resolution two: Fast from food for 40 days. (God made me a promise and he is waiting for me to make a move of faith.)

Resolution three: Let go of my idea of what normal is and let God show me more about what is "normal" in the facets of my life.

Resolution four: Stand up for myself more without being arrogant.

Resolution five: "The Kicker." Step out more in relationships that aren't comfortable to me. Do my best to meet my friends where they are and not just strangers.

I think that's it. And a couple of the resolutions will be helped by me going through some counseling stuff, I know. But I listed them just the same. This journey I am on with God is hard sometimes. The lines can easily get blurred between right and wrong but I think as I grow more and as I learn to be more comfortable in my own skin I will be less afraid to be in situations that are outside of my comfort zone.

I really want to learn what love is. I mean, I know some of what love is not. And I know some about what love is because I recognize it when I see it in others. It's Jesus loving me through those people. But it's hard all the same because I want to know more. I don't have good examples of love in my childhood. I barely think I received unconditional love when I was a child. But I know I receive it now.

And I am glad.

Happy new year everyone.

Kick butt hair!

2007-01-01T02:46:00.001-05:00

Would my friends go out with me in public?

I missed her!

2007-01-01T02:44:00.001-05:00

Kylie and I go way back.

No more miss nice girl

2006-12-11T23:49:00.000-05:00

Seriously. I have to get rough with the crap that plagues me and keeps me up at night. Maybe God just wants me to work at the coffee house right now and that is okay with me. It took another job rejection for me to own up to that fact. Cause all the doors I attempt to walk through keep shutting in my face and I really think there is purpose in it. I don't think it is happening for no reason. I am not sure what that reason is yet, but I am trying to find out.

I have to lay off putting pressure on myself to fit into this invisible mold that I have made up for me to fit into. Cause I do not have to conform to what others do. I just have to be the best me. And there are certain things that I have not been called to. And I'm not saying I won't be called to them, I am just saying that I am not right now.

And I'm okay. I'm not in a hole. I am not drowning. I am going to be fine. I need to be more open and honest with God. I need to take some time with him and really read scripture more. I have been turning away from that, and I think that ultimately led to my cascade into depression. Plus, I have just had to deal with a lot this year. I mean-I'm trying to not be too hard on myself.

Grace is good.

I am re-evaluating things a little more right now and praying about things a lot more.

I opened up my storage bin the other day and I found my quiet time journal from DTS; while I was reading it, I began to remember things that God spoke to me during that time. And I know that they are still things he wants for me. And in those moments, remembering all the things that God promised me during that time, I found a peace that I have not felt in a long while.

I am finally getting my life back. And it is beautiful. And the people that love me are very beautiful.

And the birds are singing once again...

New hotness.

2006-12-01T15:54:00.001-05:00

Red. Spiky. Hair.

How much do I really want out of this hole?

2006-12-01T00:59:00.000-05:00

Cause I just had a really good conversation with a friend of mine.

And I am really challenged.

Cause I realized the battle has barely begun.

And I can't do this half heartedly.

Cause giving up halfway through serves no point.

And I can't do it alone.

My uncle is a douche

2006-11-30T23:48:00.000-05:00

My dad went freaking nuts-o on my mom tonight. He tried to hurt her. He was throwing stuff around the apartment and she called the police on him and had him sent to the hospital. He was crazy drunk. But we also wonder if maybe the cancer has gone to his brain. Just acting out of control. He was like that a lot when I was a kid. He could also just be a pissed off drunken alcoholic.

Anyway, my uncle goes over to my mom's apartment and begins to rant about how much I suck and how horrible a person I am because I did not move back to Indiana. Uh, I did move back to Indiana. For a whole summer, you idiot! Ugh. He's just so mean sometimes. I don't understand what his problem is. What do I have to do with any of this?

And he said some other stuff that was really crazy that I just really don't want to get into. He was just being such a jerk. It's dumb.

Happy "No turducken for you" Day!

2006-11-26T21:32:00.000-05:00

I went home to Evansville for Thanksgiving. It was really good to hang out and talk with my friend Moranda. I had a really good time hanging out with her at her house. It was sweet!

I took my mom to dinner at my aunt's house and had a really good time. When we got home my dad and I got into a fight because he was drunk and being mean. He cussed at me. It made me cry. Then ten seconds later I thought, "How appropriate," and laughed my butt off.

It is what it is.

My godson is a great kid!

2006-11-26T13:41:00.001-05:00

He is such a little chunk. Eh... He's American.

Bonfires are great!

2006-11-21T22:00:00.001-05:00

Parking tickets are not!

2006-11-21T21:57:00.001-05:00

Circa Nashvegas: November 5.

And the beat goes on... Again.

2006-11-17T00:05:00.000-05:00

Well, things are changing a lot here at chez Meg. Well, really it's not chez Meg, it's the sorority house. But that's beside the point.

You know, I've realized that things are what they are. I'm not so worried about the past these days. I'm not so focused on it. I've decided to move on with my life. I mean, now is not the time to be upset about the stuff that happened before. My life has been really tragic. It's a sad story. But it's also a story of love and hope and triumph over adversity. And I think that is what keeps me going. That and a good conversation with a caring friend. Luckily I've had a string of those lately. It has really helped me.

My dad is pretty sick. Now is not the time to focus on the bad things about his personality. When he dies, I want to remember the good things about him. The fun times we had. How we sat and watched FoodTV this summer for hours when he was in the hospital. How the first word he said with the attachment to his throat after the surgery was my name. How fun it was watching "My Fair Lady" and "South Pacific" when I was a kid. Those are things I want to remember. Lung Cancer is going to take him and who knows when it will happen, but the doctor has not given him a promising prognosis. And that is sad. It makes me sad. And it's okay that I am sad about it. I mean they pretty much said six months or a year and my dad will be dead.

And just so we're on the subject, I have to say that I really feel like every time I love something, someone, when I just let down my guard and let them in... They leave. And that makes me sad too. I have realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life overall. But I've had a string of deaths lately. People close to me. And that sucks. So many people close to me are sick or dead or dying right now. Well, at least enough to make me feel icky.

And it seems when I let people in and I let them love me and I truly open up to them they have to leave. They move away. I move away. They die. They get too busy for me. They get married and I don't see them for years. (I mean, I'm in my twenties. That's what happens when people get married: they disappear for awhile. It's just the way it is.) The point is, I realized lately that I have had a lot of loss in my life. And don't get me wrong, I'm not whining about it. I'm just saying. I have had a lot of loss. Disappointment. Pain.

It is what it is.

And the thing about all of this realization is that I have to move forward. I have been thinking a lot of the future. I am still weighing going back to school. Ugh. It's such a ridiculous argument in my head. I mean, it's not as if God is going to hold me back from going overseas if I choose to go back to college. I almost feel as if I would be saying that being an overseas missionary is out of the question if I go back to college. But I know that's just stupid. I mean really. I serve a God that is way bigger than that. And what I would be going to college to do would actually help me get into many countries and I could help people around the world or in my back yard. Hmmm.

It's just working up to it that sucks. I've been working up to it for years and I should really just let it go and stop working up to it and do it. Cause it really would help me in the long run. Ugh. Sacrifice now for the future. Man. I hate being a grown up.

I wanna be a kid again. But with less abuse and better parents.

Top five reasons today was good:

2006-11-13T21:19:00.000-05:00

5) Dreamfield's was on sale at Kroger

4) I had my tall, one splenda, americano

3) I slept insanely well last night

2) I saw a great movie with a great friend

1) I played Tekken 4!!

I sigh and I take a deep breath.

2006-11-11T12:57:00.000-05:00

I hate feeling like this. But it's the way it is as of late. I don't feel as badly as I did last week, thank God, but I am feeling kind of sad. And with good reason. Yesterday I found out that my friend's mom, Julie, who I was really close to the first few years I lived in Columbus has suffered a heart attack and is in the hospital in Florida. My friend, who has few friends and less family here was pretty upset and feeling lost trying to get a flight and stuff down to Florida where his mom is. I ended up going to his house yesterday, helping him pack and taking him to the airport to fly out all within an hour and a half. It was crazy awesome. But sad because I know that his mom is going to have a rough time getting back up to par as she recovers from all of this. While I was driving to my friend's house I called my mom to tell her that Julie was in the hospital and she called me back a few minutes later saying that she heard from my dad's lung doctor. My dad went in for a biopsy on his lung a few days ago and it turns out that he in fact does have lung cancer and it's so bad that the doctor says not to worry about treatment because it would just make my dad feel sick for no reason. The cancer has spread really fast through his lungs. And the doctor says he only has a few months to live. He said maybe six. Maybe a year. But he's dying. And that really sucks. Really badly sucks. It hurts, in fact. I love my dad so much. Despite everything. And I just want to be able to have a relationship with him but this stupid illness keeps getting in the way. But I am trying to be thankful because at least I took time with my parents at all this summer. At least I have those memories. That's something I think. But it still sucks. So if any of you are wondering what's going on with me, that's it. That on top of everything else. And I still don't know how Julie is doing. Yesterday was a wierd day. I just feel like I can't get a break sometimes, but... I guess maybe I should stop expecting one. Life is hard. And that's the way it is. Remember to breathe, Meg.

Cracks break the dam

2006-11-07T00:07:00.000-05:00

Totally true. There is no way to describe how wierd my life is. It's just re-frickin-diculous how much my life is like a dark comedy. Long story about being home and seeing my mom. Just trust me. The weekend was sweet. I got a $100 parking ticket which was the suck. And I was in someone else's car which was double suck. But what can I do? I have to pay it. The space wasn't marked. The sign was like three feet from the space and across the sidewalk, and the cop came in plain clothes and wouldn't listen when I tried to explain about parking there. He was probably a buddy of the people who usually park in that space. Has was mean. I said he was a mean redneck and my friend (who's from Tennessee) said, "Megan you don't have to bring his race into this." And she was serious. I guess I should know more about the race of redneck before I say things like that. Didn't know it might offend her. Ooops. The point of all of this is I cracked-again-this weekend and being around that group of girls was so awesome for me because they straight up told me to lay off myself. And I guess I realized that of all the disappointment I've had to square with lately, I've been more disappointed in myself than anyone else lately. And it all stems from the fact that I seem to think that I am unworthy of love unless I am perfect. And I keep going back to being in this place. I mean, I can avoid these thoughts sometimes for a period of time, but I always seem to get back here and get down on myself again. But now it's not about the way I look or my weight. It's all about my little mess-ups in life or I blame myself for things that are out of my control. I must stop this behavior-and how! It's just not fair of me to take on all this guilt for things I have no control over. It's not my fault. I can't control everything. Even though part of me wants to. Which goes back to my eating problem. I really think it stems from a control issue. Which is why I am going to go to counseling. I can't work this stuff out for myself. It's no good. At all. And I have to have help in working it all out. There I said it. I need help. Done and done. I can't let myself crack too many times. I am going to go down with a sinking ship. And then I'll be no good to anyone. So, I have to let God heal me through a way I don't necessarily want, but am forced to try. I mean I've tried to do this in so many other ways and on so many occasions. But now is the time to let God heal me through counseling. Ugh. I conceded. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, if you're the praying kind, please pray. I need all the prayers I can get. This isn't going to be easy at all. But life never is.

To my parents...

2006-11-03T12:33:00.000-05:00

I am off to see them now. I'm nervous. Less excited. More nervous. It's always easier to pretend that they are great and everything's fine. But it's not. And things aren't okay. I'm not okay. I am dealing with a lot of stuff here. And I haven't fully conceded yet. I am working up to it. My dad has started drinking again and I have no idea what I am walking into here. And again, I am facing it alone. I mean, yeah, God's there. It's just hard. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't know anything anymore. Who am I kidding? I am just a scared little girl trying to make it in the world without self-destructing. I think we are all scared little kids trying not to freak out and self-destruct. Such is life, I guess. Off to Starbux. Then parents. Lots of crying, I am sure. Driving to Nashville. Hanging with Lindsey. Tomorrow night I get to see Erin!! And I could not be more excited about it. As a double bonus, I get to see Abbie, my other friend from DTS. They live together. I am stupid excited about seeing them. I need to see them right now. This is going to be good. I am okay. I am going to be fine. I have Corinne Bailey Rae to serenade me down highway 41. Everything will be fine. I just need to remember to breathe.

It can. And in fact--does--feel worse.

2006-11-03T01:45:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow's it. The day. The day I look my nineteen year old self in the face and say, "Screw you." A nine month to one year commitment? That's a long time. But I can't turn back now. I conceded. What was I supposed to do? I have to do something. I can't keep going on like this. I cracked this week. Totally cracked. Thank God for Christy. Cause I don't know what I would have done without her there to hold me while I cried. This pain is too much for me to bear alone and I can't keep having Regret With a Side of Guilt for dinner. My childhood wasn't my fault. I have to move on with my life. Somehow. It's just a lot for anyone to deal with. Anyone that's not Superman, anyway. And I am not a man at all. Let alone Superman. I need strength right now cause I am feeling weak. And tired. And scared. I am really scared. I am so afraid of what the next nine months to a year will bring. But there it is. Before me. Ever waiting. I feel like crap. I feel so weak. And low. And completely unprepared for this. I am so afraid right now. I can't even tell you how afraid I am. This is a big commitment. And a big wall I am facing. I'm so torn between my choices. And nervous about seeing my parents tomorrow. I am in Evansville. On my way to Nashville. Just tired and scared and thinking that I am in way over my head. I am just... Done.

Just when I thought everything was falling apart...

2006-10-31T22:38:00.000-05:00

God shows up and pulls things together for me. I mean, it's still hard, but I am just thankful that he was around in the form of my good friends to help me find some peace. Even if just for tonight. I need peace to help me through this time. I am so overwhelmed by all of it right now, but I know eventually things will work out. I mean, I'm not sure things could feel worse right now.

Ugh. Ahhh.

Craphole

2006-10-31T00:26:00.000-05:00

That's what my life feels like sometimes. One big craphole. I am just dealing with so much lately and it's hard for me not to feel like I am stuck in toilet on flush. And I feel like things have been this way for most of my life. You know, maybe they have. Wait. No, they have. I've had a hard life. Really hard. That's the way it is. I'm not trying to play "pity party" about it. I am just saying. The point is that I just have a lot on my plate lately. And I am really disappointed with some things. My mom has to be on kidney dialysis permanently. I am disappointed that some friends of mine aren't totally being honest with me about how they feel, and they keep just pretending like everything is okay which makes things really awkward. I was honest with another one of my friends and he told me what I expected but not what I wanted to hear. Which I really respect, yet I still feel a little disappointed in the situation. I am disappointed that my dad has started drinking again. I really wanted to see him sober, but I may not get that chance. I hate seeing him like that. Anyway, I am also just disappointed in myself. Just because I can't handle things like I think I should. I mean, when I feel disappointed some part of me gets really wierd and starts beating up on me for feeling that way. Like I am not allowed to have emotions or feelings about my life. Like just because I am not getting the crap beat out of me emotionally by my father anymore or watching him literally beat on my mom anymore means that I have no right to complain. Or feel. Like feelings are bad. I'm really wierd. I don't understand me sometimes. That's why I really need to go to counseling. I need to just suck up my pride and go. I mean, I swore I never would go back. I promised myself I would never do that again. But I was also crazy when I made that commitment. And I mean, it was a dumb promise anyway, if I'm being honest. And it's frankly a dumb one to still hold onto. But for some reason, I just can't let it go yet. I am working up to it. But I just can't do it yet. I know in my heart that I need to though. Frack. Bleh! Yep. One big craphole. I hate feeling like this. I don't like crying over stupid stuff and bawling at the drop of a hat. Ugh. It's just not fun. I don't like it. Craphole!

Oh to be young again

2006-10-28T22:31:00.000-04:00

Sometimes things are so easy when you are young. Wait, no. Things are always easy when you are young. At least they were when I was young. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. My life really wasn't that easy when I was young. But there were those esctasy-moments when I got good ice cream on a hot summer afternoon. You know what I am saying. I just wish sometimes that I could go back there to those simple moments and live there in that euphoria forever. I was happy. Life was simpler. Or maybe I was just naive to its complexity. Either case, it was certainly different than life now.

Here's to being young forever!