It's been almost four years since I returned from my YWAM school.
During that school I really felt like God had made so many changes in my life. I knew truths that I had never heard from anyone before about God. And I had not just heard them, I'd experienced them. Life wasn't the same.
I wasn't the same. That DTS changed my life. I was ready to tackle the future head on and go anywhere God told me to. I wanted to do anything and go anywhere for him. I was in love with God.
And then I came back to reality. The infamous "real world". And God said, "Don't worry about orphans in Africa. Just let me love you. Stop running everywhere and hiding away with your unsettled heart. Go back to Ohio and let me give you a love you've never known you deserved."
So here I am. With my faults and all my pain. Pain that I conveniently thought was over after my mission was done. I buried those things with my graduation date.
But dammit, they won't die. Again and again, they resurface. The tears and the shame. And new hurts bring them out. And new hurts rip open the old wounds because I am just plain tired of being in pain. And part of me says to just stop.
But can it stop? Do the hurts of our past ever really stop? Do we ever get over them? After all I had experienced in Africa, I swore they could. I swore they would never again come back for me or have a place in my life. I swore I was healed. I told people I was healed, that God healed me and he could do the same for them.
If that's true, then why do I feel so broken? Why have some of my relationships become awkward and more dysfunctional than a friendship ever should?
Worst of all, is that my fault? Do I do this to myself? Because right now, in this moment, I feel sad. I feel like I'm just plain messed up and I'll never be better again. My pain and hurt and disappointment and brokenness feels insurmountable.
But is it?
I thought life was better, going to be awesome, and I had finally hurt my last over a dysfunctional childhood. I thought my abuse and pain would never grab hold of me again.
I thought I could move back here, be with the man I love and finally be incurably happy instead of sad and broken. And while that man does make me so very happy every few weeks I cycle back to this place. The place of brokenness. And I ask God to help me. Please, God, help me not be broken anymore.
I really thought things could be better.
But, unfortunately, life just keeps kicking me in the face. Situations and circumstances pummel me in the stomach until I can't breathe. Dear people to my heart die, younger then they should have, leaving me with questions of, 'Why the heck this happen God?' And the always underlying, 'What is the point? What's the point of all this?'
With the ever present realization that life really is so short, I wonder what my place is and what my purpose is. Because this can't be all there is to life. This moment of tears in my eyes.
After what I thought I knew and what I have seen happen in life around me, I just have to wonder where I am supposed to go from here. What now? What's the deal? And for goodness sake, I have to be missing something. There has to be something I'm not getting.
I have made lots of strides, but at the same time, I feel I haven't made any.
God, I don't see the whole picture. But you do. And while I'm frustrated, I still trust you. And when I don't trust, help me to trust you. And when I'm angry, help me to forgive. When I'm lost in the sadness, help me find my way. I don't see the whole picture, God, but help me get the point. Help me to remember that you once told me I was healed of all this. And God, I believed you. With all my heart. But I have to confess I don't believe that anymore. Help me to believe again. Help me to find healing again. Please. I don't want to be broken anymore. Please fix me. And teach me that process. I need to find my way back to healing and wholeness. I'm not feeling (or I confess, acting) very whole lately. People have said things. In anger, maybe, but it doesn't make their statements any less possible. Maybe I am what they say in some ways, but I choose not to forget what you say I am, and who you say I am. I want to live life in wholeness. Not hopelessness. And you're the only person that can do this with me. It's me and you. I can't do this by myself, I know that for sure. I need your help. What now, God?