Tuesday, July 3

It's all relative

So, in the past two weeks I have crashed, burned and rebuilt myself.

Colorado is beautiful. I love it here, but it's just not working out. Sometimes I hate it.

The truth is I am running myself into the ground financially. If I stay here, my friendship with Becca will be ruined. She definitely doesn't like me being here after all. We had dinner a couple of weeks ago and she basically said she doesn't think this time of us living together was as fun as the last time. Which really hurt me. I think that made me just frustrated.

And made me think, "What is my problem?" Why is all this so hard? Why is life so frickin' ridiculous?"

It has been so hard adjusting here. I mean, give a girl a break people! I am an emotional person. I 've had a few bad days, for sure. I can't deal with all of this stuff sometimes. Stuff of life.

And that's the way it is.

So Becca was gone last week, and I was in love with having the place to myself. Truthfully, I kind of missed her but I wasn't excited for her to come back. And that's when I knew something wasn't quite right.

We haven't been able to find roommates for our apartment. We've been sharing a car and being together all the time. Which shouldn't be that much of a problem considering our friendship is so awesome. But it has been. A problem.

She said that she felt like she couldn't hang out with her friends without asking me to come along. I promptly told her that's not my problem cause I never put that expectation on her. Besides, I had said 'no' on some occasions to hanging out so I didn't really think that was fair cause she made that up on her own.

But I see how her life is going right now and I understand why she feels the way she does about me being here. She's just starting to build a life of her own and she is trying to find her way in the world. So, me being here from her old life in Ohio has been hard on her I think. I kind of understand because when my friend Lindsey moved to Ohio I remember it being hard on me because it was like my two lives were colliding. It was very tense at times.

Anyway, things have just been hard. But things with Justin and I have been amazing. He is quickly becoming the best friend I have. I can't believe we have grown so close in such a short amount of time. But I am so thankful for it.

And I have decided that if I am going to struggle this much in life. I am doing this crap and that's the way it is, then I want to do it where I can be near him. He's the one thing in my life not stressing me out right now. And I want to see where this relationship goes. I want to see what happens. I want to fight with him, make up with him, laugh with him and get to know him better.

I can't believe I spent all that time in the same city as him, sometimes living less than a mile from each other and not knowing it, and I didn't see how important he could become in my life. How important he is. We met last fall and didn't hang out for a long time. I had my "I'm going to be single for the rest of my life" pants on. And I had a crush or whatever on another guy in our group who was completely wrong for me. Ugh.

I'm really wierd.

But at least now I realize how dumb I was being.

So over the quarter life crisis bullcrap.

Get ready Ohio. Somehow I am coming back to you.

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