Saturday, June 9

Perpetually Perpetual

I feel like I am constantly waiting for my life to start. It's like it never gets going. Like it never gets "there". But where is "there" anyway? It's the wierdest thing. I feel like I am in a perpetual state of waiting on God. I am constantly waiting on him to guide my dreams into reality, and it seems every time he gets through on one thing, I add two or three more to the list. I am constantly dreaming radical dreams. But it is the heart that God has given me for life.

I don't want an ordinary existence. I am no ordinary woman. I am so afraid of doing what I have seen so many other women do, what my mom did. Settling. I refuse. So lame. So not what God wants. But what I have realized is that this gift that is before me is not settling. It is sacrificing. Sometimes, God calls us to sacrifice our dreams to him so that he can make them into something more beautiful than we could ever imagine.

And this love is going to make me or break me, cause I have never had it before. Or at the very least realized it before.

But I do love and I do care. And my heart is full of so much that I can't even put into words, but I know that God wants me to share it with others.

I am an unbridled stallion. And a bird with a broken wing. God has had to do major surgery on me these past few years. I am a testimony of his healing power.

I am a walking miracle.

The fact that I can even love right now is a miracle.

And I do. Love, that is.

I just hope that I am doing the right thing and making the right choices about my attitude, because I know nothing about being in a romantic relationship. I really don't. But I know that God will guide me because my heart is open to learning.

And I can't think of anyone I'd rather learn with than Jus. He's neato.

Between you and me, I'm still not sure I deserve him. But I will roll with this awesomeness. Because it warms my heart and makes me realize that I need to trust more.

And I do. Trust, that is.

Life is beautiful and hard and simple and complicated all at the same time.

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