Caffeine pisses me off.

Today is my first day sans caffeine. I have a really bad headache. Coffee has so much caffeine and does not taste the same when it is decaf. Caffeine. It is so freaking good, and yet, so freaking bad for me. I get on the train, I get off. I get on the train, I get off. I can't seem to stay off of the substance. And it is heroin to my body. And I know it is poison. I might as well go buy a box of D-Con and suck on it to make it through the day. It is my guilty pleasure and addiction. For sure.

Nafu, I'm afraid I've been thinking...
A dangerous pasttime.
I know.

I am really mad at myself that I never finished college. It is becoming a huge regret in my life. Re. Gret. Everytime I apply for a job, I think how different the job search would be if I had a degree. I think about how easy it would be to travel overseas and get a job. I could do all kinds of stuff differently, and it makes me regret not finishing. The debt? Sure, I don't regret that. And truthfully, that debt thing is what has been holding me back from going back to college and finishing.

I mean, I am freaking debt free! Why would I want that kind of crap hanging over my head now? If I want to go on the mission field, I surely don't want to do it with $30, 000 in school loans hanging over my head. Ugh. No thanks.

But I have a heart to teach English. I have been researching teaching English in Korea ever since I got out of DTS because of my friends JiSook and Jin Sook. I learned that I love Korean culture, and I loved being able to teach my friends things about English language and American culture. They asked me questions often and I loved that so very much. I have been thinking about going to Korea to visit JiSook, not only to visit her and Jin Sook on holiday, but to see if I would enjoy being in that country.

By the way, I ran into the ex-boyfriend the other day. My friend Judy saw him at a restaurant in town. Evidently he is working there for the summer, and going to China for three weeks in July on a mission trip. Well, Judy all but dared me to go eat where he works for lunch the other day. I mean, it was our usual place to eat for lunch before I knew Ben worked there. I wasn't about to let that awkwardly ended relationship ruin a good salad. Besides, it was time. It's been almost a year since we saw each other. I kind of hoped it would provide closure.

So we ate salads where he works. And to boot, he was working. And we sat in his section. He was my server. And I hope he didn't spit in my salad. It was wierd. Funny wierd. Like we didn't know what to say to each other. And never once mentioned that we broke up or whatever. Or that we used to date. It was pretty... Wierd.

Like at one point, he said something like we haven't talked in forever. I said, "Yeah, it's been awhile. I think the last time we talked was..." He interjected, "Last summer." I was like, "Yeah, last summer."

Dude, why did neither of us say, "since we broke up?"

It was an interesting meeting to say the least. I asked him about his trip to China, what he was doing there. And I'm not sure why. I mean, I kind of wanted to know because I love hearing about mission trips in general. But I kind of wanted to hear what he is going to do because I think this trip will be good for him. My mission trip changed my life. I hope he has the same result. But, it's not like I wanted to be good friends again after seeing him at the restaurant. I mean, I just don't want that.

He, on the other hand, was like trying to act like we should be or would be. Dare I say it? Friends. He asked me to go to a concert at the megachurch he goes to. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, but I am not sure what to think about that. I am still freaked out a little by him, honestly. I mean, I was in his life at a very wierd time for him. Maybe he's changed. I have no idea what God has done in his life, but... It's still kind of freaky being around him. I am so curious what his life is like, yet, part of me doesn't want to know.

I just wanted to ask him with a laugh, "So, are you still gay?"

I restrained myself, but I really wanted to open the can of worms just to see where he stands now. I mean, it was "last summer" when we talked last. And that is my fault. He attempted to contact me on several occasions. Which just freaked me out because I told him when I broke up with him that I didn't want anymore contact. So when he did contact me, it just pissed me off because I felt he was being disrespectful. He probably just wanted to genuinely be friends with me, but he had just lived a lie in front of me for like three months. It almost killed me to break it off, but truthfully I was glad to be rid of him. Out of sight and out of mind, kind of thing. It helped me heal.

Guys are wierd. They deal with things differently than I do. It kind of freaks me out. Oh well. At least I left Columbus with a bang.

Anyway, the funniest thing was when Ben said that he had gotten a job teaching English overseas. He is really excited about it and wants that to be his job as a missionary. He said the job is in, get this, Korea. Not only Korea, but Seoul. (Where my friends live.)

The freaking irony of life makes me crap my pants.