Wednesday, August 10

My prayer

Look, God, I'm not going to cut corners with you okay? I'm just going to be for real. I don't know what my problem is lately. I feel so sad all the time. I don't want to hang out with people, and when I do, I'm so manic and overly thespian that I sicken myself. I play the funny girl role to the extreme. Why can't I be real right now? What am I so afraid of? And I really don't understand why I keep going through these mountains and valleys, never feeling fulfilled like you promised. Or is it that I'm not feeling fulfilled because I'm not trusting that I am fulfilled? Did you ever promise that I would feel fulfilled? Ugh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like crap. I keep letting people down, and that sucks because they are people that are really important to me. I just don't know where the love went! It's so hard for me to love people right now. I keep teasing everyone and taking it too far because I am hurting and I want them to hurt too. I don't think anyone really understands what I am going through on the inside. I feel like I don't matter. I catch myself thinking that I just want to go to heaven already because I can't take it anymore here. I mean, if I dropped off the face of the earth, would anyone really care? I really need you to work in spite of the lies running through my head right now. Please help me to do what I need to, so I can get my stuff together for YWAM. I am doing this for you, because you called me. So I really want you to be in the middle of it. I mean, if it doesn't work out then that's cool. You know? I just don't want to do this in my own strength if I am going to do it. I really don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering, "What if I would have gone through the YWAM program?" You know? When I focus on what is going on with missions stuff I feel so much better. I don't feel that sadness, but I get excited! When I think about singing to you, I get excited! My focus is so janked! I know it. I just feel so much hurt right now and I don't know how to deal with it. When I get hurt, I just shut down and get depressed. I wonder if that is what is going on with me now. Whatever, I'm just a mess, God. I can't even really articulate why I'm all bummed. I just feel sad. Would you help me? Just help me not to be all sad like this for the rest of the summer, all right? I could use your help, but I am not going to demand it. I'm just going to ask. Will you help me? I don't know what else to do. I need you. And I do love you. I just suck at showing it right now, and I'm sorry for that. Truly.

That's it. I guess...

No comments: